Category: depression

Don’t Want This Night To End

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Don’t Want This Night to End

This is a song that I love by Luke Bryan. The video is fricken awesome. Though I don’t really like the follow up video. I was kind of hoping it was going to be another song on his album Tailights and Tailgates.

I had therapy today. It went okay though I don’t think we really talk about anything that was of importance. I brought up the letter and we talked about Hyde. I felt him brewing inside but she and I really didn’t want him to come out. He really is another part of me that is purely suicidal. And I think my menses has something to do with it as well as being in chronic pain. The perfect storm for him to come out is when I am in severe, excruciating pain, late at night, and I can’t sleep. It is the midnight demon quality. I also have to be in a writing mood. For some reason, he expresses himself through writing the most suicidal letters possible. The reason we didn’t want him to come out is because there is always the chance I could attempt suicide while in that frame of mind. I have never really attempted with him in control but that doesn’t mean that I can trust him. She didn’t say, exactly, what the letter did but it apparently had a devastating effect on her.

I went to Starbucks after session like I usually do. I had a Snicker’s latte (2 pumps mocha, 2 pumps caramel, 2 pumps toffee nut) and was contemplating something to eat but didn’t get anything. I journaled a bit while drinking my latte. I wrote a little more in detail about the session as it was fresh off my memory banks. I then wrote about other things. I think the last thing I wrote about was the horrific Amtrak train accident this morning. Seven people are dead because the train was going really fast in a slow zone, 100 MPH in a 50. It’s so sad.

I drank a lot of liquid between the latte and the iced tea I had for supper. I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom until I left my house to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. The leaking started and I didn’t feel anything. I hate dribbling. Even as I was approaching the house, the urge to go wasn’t strong, yet I had a full bladder. There was no way I didn’t. You can’t have a twenty ounce drink followed by a sixteen ounce and not be full. That’s over 1000 cc’s of fluid right there! I also wasn’t happy to find out that I am having break through bleeding. Looks like I will be stopping the pill next week so I can have a mense. I went through five packs of pills so it was a good run. I am averaging about 5-6 packs between break throughs. It just sucks because I have to wear female underwear and feminine products for a week. It’s just a big blow to my ego.

Tired of Being Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Tired of Being Tired

I had no energy today. I thought I would take my sister’s car to Starbucks and have a mocha or some other caffeinated drink, and just journal for a few hours. But I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep during the 10th inning of the baseball game (around 0200) and woke up around three to turn the radio off. They won in the 11th inning. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours before my bladder said “it’s time to go”. I have been up since about six. I tried to go back to sleep but it was impossible. My bowels decided it was its turn to go and again and again and again. I had to take some Imodium to shut things down. I really didn’t want to as that sometimes bangs me up worse over the next day or two. I was exhausted from crapping all morning, literally. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I didn’t think I would stay awake during it. She was running late and I almost nodded off, missing the phone call.

She read my letter that I wrote the other night. She said that it was devastating to her. I guess it could be taken that way. I am glad I was not in the same room when she read it. I guess it upset her pretty good. That was not my intention. I wasn’t malicious in the letter. I just became really suicidal and expressed myself that way. I told her she was pretty much better off without me. Course she didn’t hear it. She still called me and then said that I have to keep all my appointments after that letter. I am stuck. She is holding the cards now. I deleted the blog that had the letter. No point in anyone reading that except her. I don’t think I should have sent it to her. I had a feeling it would worry her. Hyde writes well. I am just glad I didn’t write the same kind of letter to my psychiatrist. I think I would be in the hospital if I did.

I asked my psychiatrist to refill one of my medications to a specific pharmacy and she sent it to the wrong one. Now this pharmacy is having trouble stocking the medication. Unbelievable. I told her and she said she would send it to the right pharmacy tonight. I hope so because I am going to run out by the end of the week. And I can’t miss a dose of this medication because the delusions and psychosis will come back. She told me not to worry. I think that is easier said than done.

My sister is back home after a few days in Utah. I am glad she is back. I missed her. She sent me beautiful photos of where she was. They were absolutely gorgeous. I always wanted to go to Utah for grad school. I might have to look into it now.

And after all that I done today, which was nothing, I am tired. So very dog tired. I think that if I didn’t have my bowel issues this morning, I might have made it out today. I just couldn’t trust that it would stop. I just am sick of being tired all the time. I am sick of having my bowels dictate when I go out. I am sick of being depressed. I had no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal, an ice cream sandwich, 2 breakfast sausages, and a cookie. That is all I could stomach. And I forced the sausages down because I didn’t feel like eating. This is the second day in a row that my stomach has been feeling full with barely any food in it. I have been drinking Gatorade and water so I don’t get dehydrated. But even that, I have to carefully sip. I am not thirsty either. I just want to sleep. I was going to ask my sister for the car tomorrow so I could see my therapist but I am just too tired. I hate feeling this fatigue all the time. I am not eating so I know that is part of the problem. And the humidity and heat are only going to get worse as the summer months come. I know we are going to have a scorching summer because we had a really cold winter. I really need to get out of the house and get my routine back. But I am so tired I can’t do that. I hope that tomorrow I feel better. Because at the rate that this is going, it isn’t going to be good. I know my mood is going to plummet more during the summer months than any other time of year. I can’t tolerate the heat. It just makes me more miserable. But this fatigue and no appetite are really bringing me down. I wish I could say that sleeping helps me, but I haven’t been able to nap or fall asleep while napping. I just lay there and my thoughts go wild. I think my not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time is really messing with me. I wake up and I don’t feel restful at all. I just am more tired as if I didn’t sleep at all.

Sports rant and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sports rant and other things

Patriots have received their verdict on deflategate. A one million dollar fine for the team and Tom Brady is suspended for four games. All because he supposedly deflated a bunch of footballs for a championship game. According to the report that was made, said it was “probable”. How they defined this, I don’t know. Meanwhile someone who committed domestic violence gets suspended for two games. Seems fair. You deflate footballs, you get four game suspension. You beat your wife publicly, you get two games. I don’t fucking get it. The NFL is a fucking joke right now. Appeals will be made. I think this is just a hoopla to keep the NFL in the news as it is the offseason. No one should care about football until August, when pre-season starts. As hard as I am trying to ignore this, I can’t. I really like Tom and I don’t think he is a cheater. Cheaters don’t win 42-7.

The baseball game is late today. The Sox are on the west coast so the games don’t start until 22:00. I hate west coast games. There was talk that the lineup was going to change so I was scanning Twitter all friggen day to see if it was true. But it wasn’t. The lineup was the same, with the exception of Victorino being added to it. He came off the DL today. I hope he stays healthy. We need his bat, and his speed around the bases.

I have been feeling tired all day. I took a nap for about forty-five minutes. I really didn’t want to get up but my bladder was calling. It was humid today and still is, though I think with the sun going down, it’s cooling off and getting tolerable. I cannot stand humidity and heat. It will make me crazy. Tomorrow we are getting the remnants of Ana, a hurricane that was off the coast of the Carolinas. I am glad it will be raining. It has been really dry the last few days. We aren’t expected to get rain the rest of the week. Which probably means more sunshine. I hate sunshine. It just is too bright. It also makes me kind of suicidal. There was a study that showed that suicides tend to occur when sunshine happens for more than 7 days but not more than 30. It was an unusual finding and one that I didn’t really understand. But I do believe it. I tend to be more suicidal during the summer months than I am any other time of the year. Except it’s not even summer yet. It’s still spring. Total wackiness. But I will take the good weather over the freezing cold. This winter was harsh.

I am depressed. The past two days I have been getting by eating three oatmeal cookies and a sandwich. Yesterday I had the cookies and a hot dog. I couldn’t finish the second one. Then later that evening tried to have sausages and potatoes and I was up most of the night with a stomach ache. I just ate too much food, even though it really wasn’t. I don’t get how my appetite can be feast or famine sometimes. I wish I would lose weight but it’s just not possible because I am so inactive. I know that if I was working, I would have no trouble losing the weight during days I don’t eat. I just feel full and bloated. If I didn’t know any better, I say I am the size of a full grown cow. All I had was a turkey sub. And I had to finish the last half of it by forcing it down. I wasn’t going to waste half a sandwich. My mother would have a fit.

I don’t think I am going to be able to stay up past midnight to listen to this game. I just am wiped out and I don’t know why. I really didn’t do much today. I delivered some stuff to my father, took a nap, then picked up my niece from after school. I watched her for about an hour while I read my book and she played on the computer. I am reading “Brilliant Blunders” by Mario Livio. It’s an interesting book. Part I am reading right now is dealing with how DNA was discovered. And it was by a blunder that it wasn’t by another person other than Watson and Crick.

I hate that on days when I don’t go out by T, I am more tired than if I just stayed at home. I guess driving takes more out of you than you think it does.

Letter Writing Part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Letter writing part 2

Last night, I tried to finish the letter I started for my therapist. I was hoping it would stir up the same feelings as it did before but it didn’t. I guess I wasn’t in the same state of mind. Then I was thinking of typing up the letter I wrote to my therapist the other night, but am afraid that it will trigger the suicidal feelings that I have. The feelings are still kicking around, though they are not as powerful as they were the other night. It’s weird how they can be strong one night and non-existent the next. But as bad as those feeling were, I think my therapist will want to read my letter. I find it best to write a blog and then password protect it so no one else reads it and becomes concerned. I find that is the best way to expedite my letters to her as she doesn’t use email. She may be the last person on the planet that doesn’t use email on a regular basis. And because we don’t meet regularly, it’s hard to hand her stuff. The blog has worked out well as a go between.

I babysat my niece twice today because her father needed to go out. It was kind of good because I got to watch the ball game on the big screen TV they have. My team won so I will be having a shot of Patron later today. I watched the entire game and my foot is throbbing big time. I don’t know why sitting in a seated position causes me so much pain. I even had my foot up for a while but it still didn’t help with the pain. I am reclining now, on my bed, as I am typing this. My ankle still hurts but it’s not as bad as it was when the game ended two hours ago.

I had a BPD chat that I participated in this evening. It went really well and was really fast paced. There must have been 30 or so participants in the chat. At one point, someone got concerned and I think I missed the post. I got lost as I was trying to find out why this person wanted to be direct messaged. I couldn’t find it so I just didn’t respond to the tweet.

I just read that students at the University of Texas want to get rid of the statue of Jefferson Davis. First it was the American flag (all of whom were not born in the US) and now the Texans want to remove the South’s figure? Who the hell do they think they are?? I am for students protesting and not going along with the school but if they hated the statue, why the fuck did they go to that university when there are a million others?? And for the students that wanted to remove the National flag, why the hell did they come to this country?? As the saying goes, if you don’t like our flag, we’ll help you pack!! It just pisses me off. I know my country is falling apart when I see shit like this happen. I mean, I can kind of understand why they would want him gone. He was the president of the Confederacy but Texas is rich in Southern history, especially for the Confederacy. For those that don’t know American history, the Confederacy was the group of states that seceded from the Union during the Civil War. I hope the students DON’T friggen get their way. It’s important for this country to keep its history, however horrible it was.