Category: depression

random 498

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression

Got about two hours before the Pats game starts. Figure I would do some writing.

Back is better but the same as I can’t really stand too long and I can’t sit too long either. This sucks. I really was hoping that being back on my pain meds whenever I needed it would settle it down but it hasn’t. I tried to do some PT exercises today and they went well. I didn’t do the pelvic tilt exercise because I still am sore and just trying to move my pelvis hurts.

I found out today that one of the head coaches for Nebraska was fired today. I find it sad because he had been with Nebraska for so long (7yrs). But the team has been sucking, losing a lot of games this year. I haven’t really been following them because the games are not near me or on my network. I just get updates from the CFB app and Twitter. But it hasn’t been good updates. They might be winning in the first half then lose in the second. Very rarely have they held onto a lead. I don’t know what the w/l games are but it doesn’t look like they will be heading to a bowl this year. They have not announced the replacement. It seems sucky to do with just a few games left of the season. But what do I know. It happens in baseball all the time, firing the manager near the end of the season so why not football.

It’s warm out today as the snow has melted but it’s cold in my room. I am debating putting on a long sleeved T shirt. But I am braving the cold as all I need to do is go under the covers as I am in bed. I am always in my bed when typing my blog or on my laptop. It is my “office”. Only thing I can’t seem to do is write something meaningful and insightful. And that frustrates me. I don’t know why that is. I haven’t had coffee today. I thought about getting a cup but then I realized there is no more cream. OI, the nuances of getting a cup of coffee at home! Tomorrow if I am feeling better I will go to the store and get some cream. I would have gone today but I didn’t want to tweak my back again like I did yesterday. I got to stop sneezing or I am never going to get better! Even with an antihistamine, I have been sneezing. It isn’t doing my back any favors!

I really want a rice dish for dinner tonight but there is no rice in the house. Figures. I would make it but I suck at making it. I either overcook it, under cook it, or burn it. I like the 90 sec rice from Uncle Bens. You can’t screw that up!

With my back acting up, I am surprised I am not having more PTSD symptoms. I think because the pain is localized in my lower back and not shooting down my legs, I think that is one reason. Either that or I am trying hard not to let it get to me. I am getting worried though as this has been a week and it doesn’t seem like it is getting better. But then, I haven’t hurt my back in so long that maybe this is going to stick around a little while because I am “babying” it. I am trying to do more stuff but it hurts if I stand too long. Even the few minutes it takes to cook an egg, hurts my back. I also am not as depressed as I was before I hurt my back so that is good. I just hope that this mood change stays the way it is and I don’t crash.

No Latte Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

No latte today

I thought I was well enough to go into town today to get a latte but the walk just to the bus stop proved to be more than I bargained for. I was cramping up big time so just decided to get my prescriptions and call it a day. I got to the pharmacy and of course had to wait because they are so damn slow, especially on the weekends. I then find out my debit card can’t be processed. Luckily I had another one to use. I thought I might have mismanaged my funds but nope, McAfee decided to go ahead and charge me $100, making my account insufficient! It is going to take 5 fucking business days to clear up! I am so pissed!!

I then had to empty my recycles because they were getting all over the place. I should have emptied them last week but I didn’t know I was going to take out my back with a sneeze. I am moving okay today, but like I said, I am cramping up for some reason. This sucks. I probably am just dehydrated but with my funds all screwed up, I can’t replenish my powerade supply until next week. I hope it will be on sale. So much for trying to save money.

I just realized that I cannot replenish my Starbucks funds until next month. I have $7 left in that account. So technically, 2 lattes. What pisses me off is that I didn’t have the full amount of the McAfee charge in my account, which brought my account in the red. Yet, when they wanted me to renew, they kept lowering the price. They first said $80, then half that, then $24. So why the hell were they charging me fucking $100??? No matter, I will get the CD from Best Buy, which will be around $40, next month and then I won’t have to worry about it for a year. I like them better than Norton so I like to stick with them, even though they are crooks.

Today, I have decided I am just going to eat pie all day. I started off the day (0700) with chocolate pudding pie. Now I am going to eat custard pie. Then tonight, I will have some turkey, if there is any left over and cherry pie. Got to have some sort of protein! LOL

Being aggravated has not helped my back situation. It is really tense. I took some Ativan to calm it down as it’s the only thing I can think of to do for the cramps.

OSU is beating Michigan right now and I am happy about that. I haven’t been watching the game but have been getting updates on my phone. It’s been a tight game. JT Barrett has passed the most TDs by a QB. It’s an all time CFB record. I am very happy about that!

Ativan seems to be kicking its head in right now as I am feeling very sleepy. I didn’t sleep very well last night because of pain. I hope that I can snooze for a little bit. But my QB got hurt in the 4th quarter and there is no update on his injury. FUCK! He was such a good QB too! But we did beat Michigan 42-28.

I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep

I had another sneeze attack today that left me in more pain than I was. So another setback. This sucks because I can’t move. Just turning in bed hurts me. Sitting hurts me so I try and do as little of that as possible. Which means I don’t spend as much time playing my game or on Twitter as I would like. I really haven’t been on Twitter other than to update saying my back is caput. This has been going on for almost a week now. I was doing better before the sneeze attack. Now I have to continue to rest it to feel better.

I have no new symptoms that would worry me that I need to see a doc ASAP. I have no weakness, loss of bowel or bladder (no more than usual), or new numbness. In other words, no red flag symptoms of CES. I am glad because I really don’t want to have another surgery. I think this is just muscle related more than anything. I just wish the muscle relaxants that I have been taking would work enough to ease the pressure a little bit. I have been taking two different medications and I still have not found relief, though all it does it make me sleepy. I somehow lost two pounds with me not getting around as much but that is because I haven’t been eating as much either. I just am not hungry at times. I think I am down to just two meals a day and that is all. So I guess that is good and that I am not starving at the end of the day. My appetite has been decreased. I really don’t feel like eating because the movement hurts too much and because I am depressed, I don’t really know what I want to eat. It just is so difficult when it shouldn’t be.

I am so very tired but I can’t sleep because of pain. I really can’t wait to have my therapy session on Tuesday. I would ask for a Monday appointment but she usually doesn’t have one available. I just feel the need to talk. Next week is my father’s surgery. I hope my back is better by the end of next week or it’s going to be tough. I also have my eye appointment but I will put that off too if I can’t get around. I am not going to push through it like I usually do. I will for my father’s surgery but not for my eye appointment. I am glad I have my pain medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping with the pain so I am not using too much of it. I really wanted to go out and get a latte today but after the trip to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, I was in agony.

It’s 1 am and I still am not tired enough to sleep. I feel really depressed that I am awake. Lately, I have been having the feeling of a weight on my chest. I think I know some of it has to do with my financial situation right now and trying to finagle how I am going to get my meds for the month. I have three I have to pick up tomorrow. Then I have to refill my bp medication. I am almost out of that. It will not last another month. I can try and stretch it out but the way my blood pressure has been running, I don’t want to chance it. Funny how it is lousy at home but at the doctor’s office it is normal. Drives me crazy. Maybe I do need a new machine. I want to get a wrist one but those are $45. I think I will be able to afford that next month. I had to pay extra for my cable and cell phone bills because I was behind on them. I still am trying to play catch up without having to rob Peter to pay Paul. I really would like a job that I get at least a 100 bucks a week. But with my back and leg issues, I don’t see how I can be working.

At least I am not suicidal or planning my death. I still want to be dead though. I just don’t have a reason to live. Voices have picked up a little bit. They have been nagging me to write this or that. Luckily I can type and they don’t bother me as much. They can be so nosey at times!

Happy Turkey Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Happy Turkey Day

It’s the annual Thanksgiving tradition of saying grace and what we are thankful for before eating a huge meal. This year I am thankful for the Twitter buddies that I have met over the course of a year, my friends and immediate family members, and that we are not yet in world war. That is a deep fear of mine as the world seems to bombing this country and that and Islamic State seems to get more powerful with each passing day. I hope that it never happens but you never know what the next president has in mind. Eventually, someone is going to start bombing the US because of our lax of security. Americans can think they can sleep at night without these fears but sometimes it does keep me awake.

My back is still out of commission. After I had my dinner, I had a sneeze attack that further aggravated by back. Then continued to sneeze when I got to my room. I am HURTING. I just took my last two pain pills until tomorrow. I took one of the strong medicine pills this morning so that I could make it downstairs for my meal. I am hoping to sleep through the night and then tomorrow I can get my refill. I hope that the pharmacy is open at its normal times. I have no idea if they will be on holiday schedule or not. I know they are closed today.

I sent out an email to my family and friends wishing them a Happy Turkey day. I usually send out text messages but I can’t sit long enough to do that. Just writing this blog is torture. But I have a high pain tolerance and as long as I don’t make any sudden moves, I am pretty good sitting the way that I am. I was hoping the storm we had yesterday was part of the cause of my pain but it passed, but my pain did not. I hope that it will pass but I think the sneeze attacks that I had really messed up my healing. I will be grateful to have my pain meds back in stock tomorrow!

I know I should be re-reading “Managing Suicidal Risk” so that I can write more about it. But lately, I haven’t been inclined to read anything. I tried reading “suicide myths” by Thomas Joiner last night and had to put the book down, mid-chapter, because I lost interest half way through. I just am not up for reading and sitting up for more than twenty minutes lately has been hurting my back so then I have to lie down. I know I should be trying to do some PT exercises and I do do them, they just don’t seem to help. Nothing really is helping me and that is kind of scaring me. I was hoping the baclofen would help me and it hasn’t, really. I have added Ativan and that just helps to relax me enough so I can sleep.

I am really torn. I have been listening to Ed Sheeran’s album “X” and so far the two songs I have heard, have been dope! I really like his voice and his songs. But I am short this month with cash so I can’t get my music. I got paid my royalties today, a day early. I really want to start saving but I have a feeling I will need to spend it for some emergency. Maybe I can get it next month when I get my birthday money.

My friggen therapist had to bring up my birthday as it will be the last day we talk before the holidays. She will be out for about two weeks. She asked me what am I doing that day. I told her I have no idea. It is just another day to me. My mother has asked me what I plan on having for birthday cake but I can’t decide what I want. I think I want a marble pound cake would be nice with icing. Or I can go with my favorite, yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I just don’t know what I want. Then there was a recipe for a cheesecake cake that I thought would be super. Now I have to find it so I can write down the recipe. I have gotten a few good recipes from Facebook. When my back is better, I plan on making my pumpkin cupcakes and ice them with cheesecake frosting. I am really looking forward to making those.

All this talk about cakes, is making me want something sweet. So hope all my US blog reader had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!