Another good game day

Another good game day

Before the games started, I decided to walk to Dunkins to get some donuts. I barely made it there and knew I couldn’t walk back. I got my donuts and then crossed the street to catch the bus home. The box they put the donuts in was flimsy and I almost dropped my delicious sweetness a few times but didn’t. My ankle is now killing me and I have been trying to stay off it but watching the games made it difficult to do.

I part watched/listened to the Sox game. They won 6-5. I was switching channels because the Huskers game was on during the last few innings and I didn’t want to miss big plays. Once the college football game went to halftime I went up to my room to really rest my ankle. It was really hurting me. I took some pain meds and decided to just catch the tweets of the game. Then when Oregon caught up to the Huskers, I had to watch the 4th quarter. I went to my mother’s bedroom and watched while putting my feet up on her bed. She has an adjustable bed so I just kicked back and really put my foot up, least until the last 2 minutes of the game. The Huskers were up by 3 points and Oregon had the ball. Luckily, due to penalties, they were 3 and 20, then went 4 and 18 and didn’t make it. I loved it. Huskers won 35-32. It was a very good game!

My OSU game has been delayed due to weather and won’t start until 2100 EST. I don’t know if I am going to stay up and watch the game. I am pretty beat and the pain meds are making me groggy. I also want to try and finish the book I started last night, “that was then, this is now”. I was reading it before my trip to Dunkin and was also reading it early this morning when I woke up in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. It’s a good book. Reading does make me tired though.

I texted my therapist a few times today, just giving her updates on how I am doing with dealing with the pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night about calling a CBT place Monday. I was hoping to get a response but haven’t yet. I have decided to try this form of therapy for pain management. If it doesn’t work or I get denied due to my suicidal history, I will just end things. I really don’t know what else to do. I can’t go on living like this and I told my psychiatrist this. I also told her I haven’t been taking too much of the trilafon because I kept on forgetting to take the afternoon dose. I usually take it a couple of hours after I am awake but it’s been slipping my mind so I just been taking the night time dose. Part of the reason I have been forgetting is because I usually fall asleep in the afternoon because my sleep has been terrible and I am tired. I have no structure so I have nothing to do but catch up on sleep.

There is a medical conference going on at Stanford and there was a chronic pain patient who told her side of the story about chronic pain patients. Here is the video from that conference:

I find it relieving that someone understands what I am going through and the hassles of going to doctor’s appointments just to get pain medication. She also talks about being undertreated and being awake at 2 in the morning. I swear she was talking about me and my struggle. She didn’t go into the suicidality of things but I am sure the thought has crossed her mind more than once.

Saturday Blog 63

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.

College Football Blues

College Football Blues

I am not meant to watch my college football games for week 1 today. I have to get updates from Twitter or ESPN. I couldn’t even watch the UCLA game today because it was not within my network. I was watching the Georgia/NC game as I had my dinner. It was some kind of satisfaction I guess.

The past few hours, Peter Pan (song by Kelsea Ballerini) has been running through my fucking head and I can’t turn it off. If I don’t think about it (hard to do, by the way), it switches to a mumbling David Nail song. I think I found out what it was this afternoon but I seemed to have forgot it now. I had his songs on repeat to drown out the noise in my head. I texted my therapist that I just want my head to be quiet but it’s not happening. I forgot to take my trilafon at 1 like I usually do today. I get to take my second dose soon.

My Sox don’t play for another hour. The new rookie they have been raving about all season, Yoan Moncada, is starting tonight. I think he is from Cuba, which makes him special. We’ll see. I don’t buy into the hype. They always rush these players and then they are a flop. Like Benitendi. They rushed him up from single-A and then he hurt his ankle.

I am really upset I am not watching the Huskers tonight. I should have checked the schedule so I wouldn’t be so disappointed. But then, I had other plans for today. I doubt I will be awake enough to listen to the ball game. My favorite announcer has the flu so someone else is filling in for him. I’m not a big fan of his. I just don’t find his analysis interesting and his voice is just irritating. And my other favorite TV announcer isn’t on TV until the 15th so there is no point in watching TV. I am stuck just watching Twitter tweets or checking Sadly, I am paying extra in my cable bill for this channel I refuse to watch when my favorite TV guy isn’t on. I don’t think that is fair, but I have no say in the network. Only reason I haven’t cut my bill is that my mother’s channels would also be cut. She pays for my internet so that is the pay off. She watches TV and I have internet.

A Hopeless Friday

A Hopeless Friday

I woke up late this morning and was hung over. The Benadryl always makes me hung over. I needed coffee badly so I had just enough time to get dressed and catch the bus to the Square. I had to go to the bank anyways to deposit a check so it worked out. I wanted a burrito again, so I went to Chipotle and had one. It was really messy, more messy than last night’s. They didn’t wrap it right so it basically fell apart. I had maybe ¾ of it and then I couldn’t finish it. I was full. After I ate, I went to the bank and then Starbucks to write a little bit. I made the perfect soy latte. It was really yummy.

About 45 minutes into being there, my ankle started hurting really bad. I had to wait fifteen minutes or so for the next bus so I continued to write as best I could but I was distracted. I guess all the walking and standing I did yesterday is catching up with me today. It immediately soured my mood and I felt hopeless, like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I hate being in chronic pain all the time.

I came home and my room was stuffy so I put the AC on, even though it’s barely above 70 degrees today. I really want to take my pain meds and nap, which I might do. I just feel so damn sad. My eyes are puffy from all the crying I have been doing the past few days. And I have dark circles under my eyes so it looks like I have been beaten up. They also are wicked dry but I am too damn lazy to put in the eye drops to make them feel better. I hate using eye drops.

I might write a little later to get my book going again. I really would love to write at least 850 words about the past struggles with my mental illness. In the book, I have been talking about the “pink rectangular pill”. I am no longer taking that because it became useless, which is why I am on trilafon. My psychiatrist finally called in the right order so I can freely take 2 a day without having to ration my pills, least for the next 30 days or so. I am happy because it gives me peace of mind and the trilafon really works for me. I haven’t been as psychotic lately and my paranoia has been way down. I see my psych next week. I was thinking about calling her today but I won’t. I might shoot her an email, just giving her an update on things.

I tried to nap but never slept. My mother called and I got angry. Dinner was ready. I really wanted to make just a bologna sandwich, which I might have later tonight. I ate what she made, which was chicken stir fry. It was okay. I took some pain meds because my ankle is really screaming at me now. I was being patient in thinking the pain would just go away if I didn’t think about it. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

I am having musical hallucinations again. Songs are playing in my head over and over. It’s funny because when they start, my voices are quiet and when the voices are running, I don’t have these type of hallucinations. Right now my song of choice is Peter Pan. It just runs non-stop in my head.

In other news, college football starts tomorrow. I cannot wait to don on my OSU hat. Which reminds me, I MUST get a Huskers shirt. I wish my Nebraska connections were still in Nebraska but they are now in Texas. Those are the two teams I support during the season. Last year when I ordered my OSU hat, it took several weeks for it to come. They had to get the hat at another bookstore. I have a small hat size so it’s hard to fill. This year the team is all new because most of the players are now in the NFL. They are all on different teams and none on my Pats. I am hoping for a trade or something in the future. These guys are really good players. I really don’t know how I became a Buckeye fan but I am one.