OSU vs TTUN and other things

OSU vs TTUN and other things

I woke up really early, like 4. I wanted bacon but my mother was sleeping and I knew she wouldn’t like me leaving her a dirty pan on the stove when she got up. So I ordered McD’s. I have been wanting their sausage burrito for a while. I was disappointed I didn’t get the hashbrowns with my order. I made coffee afterwards, thinking I was going to be up for most of the day. Yeah, right. I brought up the coffee and drank it all while reading Coraline. I must have read like 3 pages and then sleepiness took over. So much for a caffeine kick! I set my alarm as I did not want to miss the OSU game at noon. I then slept until it went off.

I got up and the house smelled of bacon! My mother made some and left me a few pieces. Score for my bacon fix! I ate it while watching some stupid Fox analyst panel debate the game as to who was going to win, why, how, blah blah blah. Then the game started and the announcers were pro Xichigan (Michigan to my non-Buckeye fans). I had no say in the network (who does), but I ignored them the best I could. I had tweeted my therapist friend that I would be watching the game. The only time I messed up tweeting was when I thought we scored a field goal and we didn’t. Damn announcers were wrong! I ended up deleting the tweet.

It was a good game. I was sad when their starting quarterback got hurt. I later found out some camera man ran into him prior to the play. The head coach was going to find out who he was because there were a few people that said it was intentional. I don’t know if that is true but I don’t like when my QB gets hurt either. He is an awesome player and has done well with OSU. I’d really hate for a knee injury to end his senior year and potential NFL career because someone hated that we were kicking Xichigan’s ass after halftime. The backup quarterback did well and OSU won 31-20.

My therapist friend loved “watching” my tweets during the game. I laughed and told him he should watch me when I watch a baseball game. HA HA, pitch by pitch and play by play. I have entertained one of my dearest friends that I have known for almost 17 years now. It’s mostly swears, so it is very colorful analysis more than what is going on. LOL I really was surprised I was able to watch the entire game without too much pain. Today has to be the first time all week when I could actually use my ankle the way it is intended. It is a little sore now but I’ve kept up with my pain meds so I don’t think I will be up all night again. Least I hope I won’t.

I have been sneezing like crazy all day. Probably because I got the window open and it was a little warm today so pollen might have come in. I was just scrolling through twitter and one person I follow (who does Pokemon Go) tweeted that she screamed in a restaurant she was at “there is an onion bird in here” follow by pic of onion bird. OMG I am laughing so hard, I am crying. I’ve included the pic (where on closer inspection is a bird with a leek or a scallion in its wing). Hope you get a laugh out of it like I have. I might have to go through the tissue box as I am still cry laughing. LOL

Saturday blog Nov 4, 2017

I was having a fairly good morning until my pain hit. I went to nap and my big toe exploded in pain. It really caused my mood to plummet. After lunch, I took another nap. The evening shift nurse woke me from my rest to discuss my pain. I felt like she didn’t believe me. I’m so tired of having to explain my pain to every staff member on the different shifts. It’s like, don’t you read my records?

After I had dinner, I was getting sleepy again so I made a cup of tea. It was the last tea bag I had that was caffeinated. I didn’t think to pack more as I was running low my last admission. Oh well. Guess Lipton will have to do. I’m trying to get my cousin to visit to bring me some chocolate. If she does come, I’ll ask her for some tea as well.

My check in person is cool and my favorite mental health counselor is on this weekend. I really enjoy talking to her. She bought my 1st book. I tried to send her my 2nd but they had a nursing change and decided it wasn’t good to have patients give gifts to staff.

My mood sucks and I just want to die. I just feel so hopeless that things are going to get better. Just got to take it day by day. My pain isn’t so bad right now and I hope it stays that way. Last night it flared and I didn’t do so well. The staff didn’t know what to do for me. My idiot contact person jokingly said I should swift kick a wall. Yeah, that will help. I’m just frustrated with being here. Maybe Monday I can have a discharge date set up.

I talked with my mother and she asked why I went here rather than where my psych is. So in bad to go through it once again. I didn’t choose to be here. Hell, I didn’t want this admission to begin with but it was either go voluntary or be committed. So I’m just going to bide my time until I can leave.

There was only one group today. I think there is one tomorrow, too. I don’t remember. I was kind of sick this morning. I think the Zoloft is causing nausea. When I brought it up to the covering doc, he said to eat carbs. I told him I had 2 bagels for breakfast before my meds. Idiot. I’m not going to take it tomorrow and see how I do. My time on it might have run out. Another antidepressant bites the dust.

Watching some of the OSU game. They got killed by Iowa. So disappointing. The guy that served the meals is a buckeye fan. He said they weren’t on TV but I found the channel. I was getting impatient waiting for updates with the app and wanted to watch the game.

Another good game day

Another good game day

Before the games started, I decided to walk to Dunkins to get some donuts. I barely made it there and knew I couldn’t walk back. I got my donuts and then crossed the street to catch the bus home. The box they put the donuts in was flimsy and I almost dropped my delicious sweetness a few times but didn’t. My ankle is now killing me and I have been trying to stay off it but watching the games made it difficult to do.

I part watched/listened to the Sox game. They won 6-5. I was switching channels because the Huskers game was on during the last few innings and I didn’t want to miss big plays. Once the college football game went to halftime I went up to my room to really rest my ankle. It was really hurting me. I took some pain meds and decided to just catch the tweets of the game. Then when Oregon caught up to the Huskers, I had to watch the 4th quarter. I went to my mother’s bedroom and watched while putting my feet up on her bed. She has an adjustable bed so I just kicked back and really put my foot up, least until the last 2 minutes of the game. The Huskers were up by 3 points and Oregon had the ball. Luckily, due to penalties, they were 3 and 20, then went 4 and 18 and didn’t make it. I loved it. Huskers won 35-32. It was a very good game!

My OSU game has been delayed due to weather and won’t start until 2100 EST. I don’t know if I am going to stay up and watch the game. I am pretty beat and the pain meds are making me groggy. I also want to try and finish the book I started last night, “that was then, this is now”. I was reading it before my trip to Dunkin and was also reading it early this morning when I woke up in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. It’s a good book. Reading does make me tired though.

I texted my therapist a few times today, just giving her updates on how I am doing with dealing with the pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night about calling a CBT place Monday. I was hoping to get a response but haven’t yet. I have decided to try this form of therapy for pain management. If it doesn’t work or I get denied due to my suicidal history, I will just end things. I really don’t know what else to do. I can’t go on living like this and I told my psychiatrist this. I also told her I haven’t been taking too much of the trilafon because I kept on forgetting to take the afternoon dose. I usually take it a couple of hours after I am awake but it’s been slipping my mind so I just been taking the night time dose. Part of the reason I have been forgetting is because I usually fall asleep in the afternoon because my sleep has been terrible and I am tired. I have no structure so I have nothing to do but catch up on sleep.

There is a medical conference going on at Stanford and there was a chronic pain patient who told her side of the story about chronic pain patients. Here is the video from that conference:

I find it relieving that someone understands what I am going through and the hassles of going to doctor’s appointments just to get pain medication. She also talks about being undertreated and being awake at 2 in the morning. I swear she was talking about me and my struggle. She didn’t go into the suicidality of things but I am sure the thought has crossed her mind more than once.

Saturday Blog 63

Saturday Blog 63

I did not have a good night sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I took some more pain meds and tried to go back to sleep. I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I woke up with the same kind of pain in my ankle. I was glad I didn’t have to go anywhere today. All I wanted to do was order pizza and watch college football.

I was able to order pizza and it has been the only thing I wanted to eat today. I watched half of the Huskers game. They were leading 14-0 when I stopped watching and won 52-17 when I woke up from my nap. Pain meds and pizza coma caused me to have to lie down. I woke up in time to watch the OSU game. That game was incredible. They had 2 interception touchdown returns and a fumble recovery. They are currently in a weather delay as heavy rain and wind is in the area. I figured I would write as there is nothing I can do but wait till the game comes back on. OSU is leading Tulsa 20-3 at the half.

I am still in a lot of pain. I am trying to stay off my foot/ankle as much as possible but watching football gets me excited and I want to stand to watch the game on TV. Stupid I know but, I am a guy and that is what guys do. Doesn’t help that I have a small TV so I can’t see the downs and stuff when I am sitting.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am having a hard time with it because I feel so suicidal. Most of my Twitter friends are suicide preventionists so I have been getting tweets left and right about what to do if you are suicidal and all the typical bullshit that goes with it. I just can’t deal with it today so I have been on and off Twitter for most of the day. Most of the time, I will just post game updates from the OSU game but not really reading the tweets, unless they are sports related.

My sox played in between the Nebraska and OSU game. It must have been a quick game because by the time I was up around 1530, it was over and it started at 1300. They lost 3-2. I have been reading that there have been some miscues by the rookie they called up from double A. I really don’t blame him as he is too inexperienced for major league ball, in my opinion.

My foot is really hurting me and I don’t know when the second half of the OSU game is going to be played. I really want to take another dose of pain meds so I can go to sleep again. I am really tired. I had a cup of tea to try and keep myself awake but it didn’t really do anything. I really need to empty my recycle bin but that involves going down two flights of stairs and I am just not up for that. I am in too much pain for that.