Category: depression

3500th Blog post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

3500 blog post

This is my 3500th blog post. I have been blogging since 2012, the year I got disabled. It was a tough year and I was depressed and suicidal most of the time. I had a lot of time on my hands and so I think writing about how I was feeling helped to get stuff out of my head. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. I don’t know what I would do without it.

Yesterday was a really challenging day. I had therapy in the morning. It was stressful. We talked about things that were hard to talk about. She is good at keeping me on point rather than going off on a tangent. I told her I would work on self-care and brushing my teeth/showering. I have been bad at doing these things. I don’t like brushing my teeth but I know it has to happen. I have been showering at least once a week but sometimes I can go 10 days without a shower. I need to work on clearing my bed for the week as I have nothing scheduled the rest of the week. It would be good to change my sheets.

After therapy, I had an hour before I had to leave to get my 2nd vaccine shot. I took public transportation to the hospital and back. I was seen really quickly at the vaccine clinic. I was in and out in twenty minutes. I then went to the square and got a caramel macchiato. I had a half hour before the bus was to come so I just sat on a bench and drank it. It was peaceful at the station. Not too many people were there. I was already feeling pretty tired. I brought a Powerade bottle with me to drink so I would stay hydrated. PT was torture. She had me do one of the machine and within a minute or two, my CRPS ankle flared up. I went as slow as I could possibly go. I didn’t care. I was exhausted and just wanted my bed. Afterwards she worked on my legs to get the knots out. She accidently put too much pressure on my nerve injured thigh and I screamed in pain. She avoided the area the rest of the session. My legs felt better but I got up too quick and got dizzy. She had me drink some water and rest. I then realized I had not eaten all day. I ordered Kung Pao chicken on the way home from PT. It was so good. I really love this dish.

Today I have been tired because I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up at 1 to pee and had trouble getting back to sleep. It could be a side effect of the vaccine as well but I am going for my long day yesterday and being up in the middle of the night as a reason why I am so exhausted today.

I don’t know if I will listen to the entire game but I am going to listen to the first couple of innings. They are facing the Braves, which has been on a hot streak. We have been on a losing streak so will be fun to see what happens. I love baseball so much. I am keeping track of games lost/won again on Twitter. Right now their record is 29-19 and we are in first place.

I got a craving for donuts so I ordered them. Now I am happy because I haven’t had donuts in more than a year since the pandemic started. I am going to try and take my night meds around 7 but it might be earlier. I am just so damn tired but if I go to bed now, I most certainly will wake up before midnight and be up all night.

Long Ass Thursday

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Long ass Thursday

My day started around 5 am when I had to get up to pee. I couldn’t go back to sleep so decided around 6 to make some coffee. It has become my morning routine to have a cup of coffee when I get up in the morning. Today I had to have two cups because I had PT in the afternoon which I will talk about later. I had psychotherapy at 8 which my therapist had to send me the link for because stupid website thing never registered my visit.

Therapy was frustrating. I wanted to know if the abuse my mother did to me was sexual or not and my therapist didn’t want me hung up on labels so wouldn’t tell me. I got hit with sadness while we were talking and I felt like I was going to cry. She tried to get me to talk about it but I had no words. I just wanted to feel what I was feeling with someone present. I didn’t want to cry and I knew that if I tried to talk about what was going on, I would. So I just sat there as my therapist is pleading with me to talk. I guess she felt like if I didn’t talk, I would push the feelings down and it would be harder to feel the next time I felt anything.

My therapy appointment was at 8. I tried to go back to sleep afterwards but I was up. There was no way I was going to nap. My PT appointment was in the afternoon. I ordered Chipotle because I have been craving a burrito bowl. It was good but I didn’t finish it. It was too much. I ate most of it though.

I wanted to shower but I didn’t have the energy to. After I had eaten Chipotle, I made another cup of coffee. I was getting so sleepy but I knew if I slept, I wasn’t going to PT. I had some belVita with the coffee. It goes hand in hand. If I drink coffee I have to have the belVita cookies with it. I have been keeping track of my calories and I haven’t been eating close to 1000 lately so I know I will be losing weight soon.

I struggled during PT. She had me do some balance stuff and one of them I failed. I nearly fell. Then she had me go on the machine and I was so knackered it wasn’t funny. I was just so tired. She gave me some exercises to help with the balance, nothing I haven’t had before. She was following some new protocol that they had come up with for Covid conditioning.

I came home and I didn’t do anything but sit on my bed. My legs and back were hurting me from the machine. I thought about a shower but I had no energy or motivation to do it. I had been up for almost 12 hours and I was really tired. I didn’t want to sleep because I knew I might only sleep till midnight and then be up most of the night. I took my night meds on time and then tried to stay off my phone so I would get sleepy. I had an Ensure with my meds because I didn’t have any dinner. I wanted to make a burger but that wasn’t going to happen.

I was so tired, I didn’t even tune in to the ball game. After I took my meds I laid down and it was lights out.

Trauma and Memories

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Trauma and memories

Trigger warning: childhood sexual abuse

Monday I had therapy. We talked about stuff and somehow got on to talking about my mother. We didn’t discuss what I was thinking about but I could have sworn my therapist mentioned rape and it all sort of clicked. My mother raped me a few times during my childhood. I won’t go into specific details because this is just triggering for me. There is a lot to talk about during next session. I am glad it is next week. I don’t think I can handle another session of this caliber. To say I hate my mother is an understatement. I haven’t been talking to her the past few days. I’ve just been ignoring her.

I have been in a funk since this realization. I got so many feelings about it, mostly shame and guilt. I don’t know why I feel guilty as I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess the depression just loves to throw that in whenever you are down just because. I also been feeling disgusted whenever I am around my mother. The price of having to live with her.

I had therapy today and we talked more about the abuse my mother put me through. I talked in detail about what she did to me. Not all at once. Just in pieces. My mother had this thing of looking at me after I showered. She paid particular attention to my genitals. One day she saw that my labia was long. This concerned her. She forced me to be examined by her. Then she took me to the doctors to be examined by them. Nothing was wrong with me. Just like there was nothing wrong with my breasts when she examined me then took me to the doctor then to a surgeon at the age of 13. This was because one boob was bigger than the other. She has always done her exams out of “concern”. Guess putting things in my vagina was out of the same concern. She had this weird idea that my vagina was closing and she was determined to keep it open. I was 3 when this happened. I only knew about it because I got my pedi records. It still burns me that my pediatrician didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. My mother was always interested in my genitals and then when I developed breasts, my breasts. She was always looking for ways to touch them.

I feel disgusted about this and sick to my stomach. I feel like an asshole. I don’t want to feel like this but I guess it goes with the territory. I still find it hard to have these feelings and be around her and act like nothing is wrong. I have to stuff the feelings down because I have no where to express it, except to my therapist but getting it out is so hard. I don’t know what I am feeling all the time other than shame and disgust. I am hurt because I was violated by someone that was supposed to care and protect me.

The abuse happened throughout my life until I was 15. That is when we really came to blows and I suffered from a deep depression that made me angry at her for not getting  me the help I needed sooner. She was of the mind that all I needed to do was talk to her because she was my mother. But I had so much hate towards her for everything she did to me that she was the last person I would go to for help and support. Even today, I am not likely to talk to her about anything regarding my mental health issues. She lost me when I was a teenager and I don’t think she will ever get me back. What she did was hurtful and traumatic. I am glad I am talking about it now even though it is really painful to.

Lazy Saturday Blog 15052021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Lazy Saturday Blog 15052021

I wanted to change my sheets today but I was too tired. I didn’t sleep again through the night. I kept waking up with shoulder pain. I got up around 9 after I emptied my bladder. I thought it was going to burst I had to go so bad. After I had my coffee and a little something to eat, I went back to bed and slept all afternoon. I had something to eat and made a cup of coffee to wake up and it has failed me. I could go back to sleep right now. I don’t know why I am so tired.

I wanted to shower today but that hasn’t happened either. It has been warm out so I have been kind of sweaty. I really want to shower to maybe feel a little better than I do. My left leg is still bothering me. I don’t know what to do with this hamstring pain. My jaw, neck, and shoulder have been hurting me the past few days. My left side compared with my right is all swollen. I don’t know why my jaw has been giving me so much pain lately.

I have half decided that I am going to write a second memoir on my transgender experiences. I am not sure how to start this. It is just an idea for right now. I have been mulling over what to write but I haven’t been in a writing mood lately so it has been difficult to put my thoughts together. Doesn’t help that I have been having brain fog nearly every day for the past week. It has been hard to crank out my blogs because of it but I seem to be on a roll right now.

Last night for the first time in a long time I forgot to take my night meds. I have no idea how I forgot as I am usually good about taking them. But I was just so sleepy from taking the Latuda early last night that I really have no clue what happened after I shut my med alarm off. No wonder I didn’t have a good sleep.