The chief shortcoming of suicide is that it unnecessarily answers a remediable challenge with a permanent negative solution. In contrast, living is a long-term set of resolutions with oftentimes only fleeting results. Edwin Shneidman Suicide as Psychache
Category: depression
Can’t do anything
Can’t do anything
I tried to go out today and failed. I wanted to get my prescription and a snack at Walgreens but my back was just hurting too bad. I don’t know what I did. It started when it rained and it still is hurting be, even though the rain stopped. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the left over sandwich from last night. But that was at 0530. I haven’t eaten nothing since then. My mother is cooking so I just have to wait for it to be done. She is making fish and sweet potatoes with spinach I think. I don’t care, I will eat anything at this point. I also have not had anything to drink. I was able to make myself a glass of ice tea but that was all. I will have more when supper is ready.
So much for walking down the street to get donuts. I have been thinking about them all day but I am still hurt with my back. Maybe it is a good thing that I can’t have them right now.
I finally got the October issue of the Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal. It has an article about CAMS and I can’t wait to read it.
I just got a call from my PCP’s office. They wanted to talk to me about a medication I requested to get filled because I don’t take it every day. Long explanation shortened, they need to talk to my doctor and then possibly see my neurologist. I don’t understand what the problem is. I have been on this drug for years now and never had a problem getting it refilled. It just frustrates me. It’s not even a narcotic so why there is trouble refilling it, is beyond my understanding. And of course it is Friday so I won’t have any answers until next week. I am glad I called when I did because I might run out before this is settled.
I am so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. I wish I could say I slept but my mother was fucking calling me every two hours to see how I was. I should have turned my phone off. Now my back is hurting me more because I attempted to go out and had some dinner. I just want to sleep. And read Harry Potter. I hope my back is better by tomorrow. It sucks not being able to get around.
waking up with more back pain
I realized I didn’t have my quote of the day so I just posted it. I don’t know what I am going to do when I am finished with this section of the book. I have been slowly reading it to get more quotes but nothing is “popping” up at me. I might have to get another book and start from there.
My back still hurts. I woke up and found myself sleeping on it. Then I really couldn’t move. It’s a little ginger when I twist or try to stand up but it is getting better, I think. Last night, I ordered a sandwich and only had half. I think the rest of it is going to be my breakfast. It’s pretty good, turkey breast with avocados, bacon, and cheese on sourdough bread. It’s the first time ordering a sandwich from this place. I usually get their burgers, but I wasn’t in the mood for a burger. Their burgers are huge and I wasn’t that hungry. I haven’t eaten much all day. Taking pain meds and muscle relaxants most of the day kind of kills your appetite and everything else. I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two days. It’s going to suck when I go. It always hurts when I go, another reason why I want to be dead.
I still want to get my blasted donuts. I am determined to get them, even if I have to crawl. But my walking isn’t too good. Even going a short distance in my house, say from the living room to the kitchen, hurts me. I don’t know how I am going to make it down the street. I might have to take the bus. The rain has stopped so I don’t understand why I am still in pain. It should have stopped like a switch going off. I just don’t get it. And the temperature is still “high”. It’s in the seventies now. Weird weather for October.
It’s weird typing on my old laptop. The keys are a little differently spaced. But I am getting the job done. Pats won last night 36-7. I am so happy for them. They have yet come into an opponent they have competition with. It’s been fun to watch though. I didn’t see the game as I was in la-la land because of my meds. I took them early because I didn’t want to get up again to take them. I am glad that I fixed them in my pill box because otherwise, I wouldn’t have taken them all. I would just take the important ones and screw the rest.
I still need to get a haircut. If my back is doing better later today, I will try. I also will bring a copy of the NYT article with me to show it off to the barbers. I don’t know if they would be interested but I don’t mind bragging a little bit. I hardly get to brag.
I’m going to get that sandwich now and then hopefully get back to sleep.
Quote of the Day 30-Oct-2015
There is nothing intrinsically wrong (or aberrant) in thinking about suicide; it is abnormal only when on thinks that suicide is the only solution. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
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