I’m back to being psychotic. delusions are currently out of control and the voices are not helping (bad ones). Islam is being controlled by aliens which is why they want to take over the world and destroy the white house. I can’t be more specific than that as you won’t understand it. Allah is a false god, similar to the G’ould in the Stargate series. I can’t reality test and I believe these things. I don’t know what to do. My thinking is erratic and I know this but I can’t stop the thoughts. I am very paranoid. AND NO I don’t want to go to the hospital. They will plant shit in me and I don’t want that. Taking some trilafon and hope that things are better in the morning.
Category: psychosis
to therapy or not?
To therapy or not?
I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.
She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.
I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.
I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.
So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.
Enchanted
Enchanted
I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!
I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??
Delusional and Perturbed
I keep hitting dead ends. I just can’t hold on any longer. My mind is so fucked up, I don’t think anyone can sort it out. I can’t even sort it out and it’s my mind!
I am just in one of the moods because of this agitation that I am in. I tried taking something for it but it hasn’t helped. Now things are swirling in my brain and I think writing about it is the only way to get these demons out of my head.
There was a seminar going on today on Twitter, dad2summit. I don’t know what it was about, but the last segment, of course, talked about “Man therapy”. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Go to mantherapy.org and you will see how stupid it is. But if it helps prevent a man from acting on suicidal thoughts, then I am for it. That is why I don’t downcast it too much for that reason.
There has been a lot of roof collapses in the Boston area since the snow is only 8 feet on some roofs. I am now worried about our roof tops. I know I shouldn’t be because we don’t have a flat roof on my house, but there is one area of the house that does, the extension part. Trouble is, there is no way to get there because my back porch is piled with snow and that would be the only way to access it. So I am having dreams and fantasies of it collapsing. I just don’t feel safe and I know it’s irrational. But every time I get a tweet saying to check your roof, I panic. It’s like a command hallucination or something, telling me what to do. Maybe I am becoming delusional, I don’t know. I hate when I am agitated because that never bodes well for me.
I added a conclusion to Brick Wall, my short story that I have been working on the last few months. I am thinking about publishing it on my blog just so my therapist can read it. This is the first piece of work that I have worked on that I have not published on my blog. It’s kind of strange not to post it. But I still am kind of working on it and so I don’t really want to publish it until I am really done with it.
I have been thinking of preparing my “darkness will always win” into the template so that I can get things ready for my next book to be published. It will be a much shorter book. I don’t know how many pages it will be. Darkness is about 13 or 14 pages right now, alone. And the Brick is about 3-4 pages. I need to have at least 24 pages to make a book. But that requires me formatting and coming up with a title page, chapter page, etc. I am going to do things differently than I did with my first book, now that I know the formatting deal. I just hope I can do it. I already have my self-doubts about it not selling. And that I think it is stupid making a short story collection book knowing they don’t do well. But if Lawrence Block can do it, I can try. I just have to have the motivation to actually do it. I just don’t know which blogs I want to put in the book. The blogs that I had chosen are really short, like 2 pages! That is not going to get me far.
I just have the who fuck its going on right now. And this perturbation that I am feeling is not helping me. I wish I could email my psychiatrist and ask her what to do about this. Better yet, call her and ask her. But I doubt I will get a response quickly. I hate this delusional feeling that is creeping up. I might have to start taking my psych med every day as this is the second time in two weeks, three weeks, that this has happened. I can’t/won’t go back to the hospital. Why can’t tomorrow be Tuesday so I can talk with my therapist! She is on vacation so I can’t even text her because I won’t know when/if she will be able to call me back. We do have our code words for when I am in real distress. I am not psychotic, I just feel really perturbed!! And it’s stressing me out. And when I get stressed, the voices start acting up. Think I will take some trilafon and see if that helps calm me down. It’s the only thing I can think of that will settle the delusions about the roof collapsing and the command tweets that I have been getting.
midnightdemons7 
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