Category: suicide

just the beginning

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I did it. I made it to 3000 words on my short story that I am hoping to publish before my book. I have been working on it slowly as this depression just sucks. Words don’t flow the way they used to. Thinks are slower. My brain moves slower. When other people used to describe this, I thought thank god I don’t have that problem but now I do. I guess it’s because I am a writer that I notice it more? I don’t know. It is just so frustrating. It is literally like extracting teeth or something. I just find it awful to go through this.

I took the Remeron last night in the hopes of sleeping till eight. No such luck. I slept till six. And there was no way I was starting my day at six with my father’s doctor’s appointment at one. That would cause me too much anxiety. So I took some Ativan and slept till eight. I made my breakfast as I was starving and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I took a draining shower that sucked all the energy from me. I swear if I didn’t have to go out, I would have put my PJs back on and gone right to bed. I was completely worn out. JUST FROM TAKING A SHOWER!! I was really pissed. But I waited until I cooled off, then put some clothes on and caught the next bus. I went to Starbucks and had a latte. Then I got hungry so I got something to eat. I knew it would be awhile till I ate next. Went to the hospital early and waited for my father. The appointment went fast. There were no new developments, other than the abdominal fluids. But I was shocked to learn he still had cancer all this time. I thought the tumors were gone and he was cancer free. Not fucking so. I hate these doctors but they are the best in the field of GI cancers so I can’t really drop them.

Now I have the task of relaying all this information to my family members, immediate and not so immediate. I really don’t want to tell my cousin. She is a little hot headed but I know if I don’t tell her, the next time she sees me she might cause a scene. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what she knows. I don’t want to say the C word if she doesn’t know my father had C to begin with. UGH I am so stressed out and this is just the beginning.

I am just exhausted. I am also anxious. I don’t have a great relationship with my father but I still care for him on a humanitarian level, otherwise I doubt I would care at all. Maybe one blog I will divulge the family secrets but not today. Dealing with him while he is sick is one thing I can’t stand to see as he has always been so healthy. He hasn’t been a health freak or anything of the nature but his genes has long lines. But I don’t want to lose him. I may think of him as a sperm donor at times, but he is still my father none the less.

I hope to talk to a blogger friend tonight. Our chats are really random but she makes me laugh and we forget about life for a while, which I think is good for both of us. I sure can use it tonight.

very bad in my head

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis, suicide

Having a really hard time. Going through financial issues with my therapist because she got a new billing service and they have been harping on her for payment. I haven’t paid her in a long time since being disabled and the whole thing is stressing me out. So now I have to pay what I can pay her so her billing people aren’t harassing her. The whole stress of the matter, which I knew would happen one day, has caused the bad voices to come out and command me to do things, mostly to cut because I am a bad person. My therapist was telling me that this voice is wrong and full of shit. I wish she could hear them sometimes and maybe she would understand what I go through. It’s not easy telling them they are full of shit when they are screaming that you are nothing but a moron and an idiot all the time. Then I have another voice that is trying to get me to do the right thing and take care of myself and these other voices start harping on her. It’s very bad in my head right now and I feel so stressed about it. Every time I get a little stressed the voices come out. My therapist wants me to take some extra meds which I guess I will do tonight. And also to take my pain meds when I am feeling pain not hours later when it’s beyond control. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. Like I am being punished by this pain so just let it be but she said that is not how it is. I don’t know if I am making sense. I have been up since five and have not taken a nap. I am really tired and I am sick. I took a fall today and my knee is hurting. Everything is hurting. I wish the pain meds helped with the internal hurt but it doesn’t.

I have been having urges to cut since I cut last week I think it was. I don’t even remember. My therapist doesn’t want me to cut over the financial situation but I know that I will feel better if I cut. She said that she won’t. I gave her my word that I wouldn’t cut. I am also to keep texting her over the weekend to let her know how I am doing. She is worried right now because I am psychotic. And of course she brings up the hospital whenever I tell her about the voices. I sometimes hate bringing it up but I just let it happen and then I hate myself for bringing it up. She doesn’t understand what it is like living with them. These voices are mean and nasty. They watch everything that I do and criticize everything that I do. It could be the way I cut my chicken up or the way I go down the stairs. Sometimes they want me to take extra medication but I don’t do that. The only medication I will take extra of is Neurontin because I know the effect of this med. I did take extra Ativan the other night. I had to because all I wanted to do was sleep. I think I am going to take Neurontin with some trilafon tonight to ward off the voices. They don’t like the trilafon. That is the one med they don’t want me to take. But I need to because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital.

I emailed my PCP tonight. I told him that I don’t want to see anymore specialists. I just want adequate pain control and that is that. The nerve block didn’t work out and for three days I was in excruciating pain. It took two kinds of pain meds to bring my pain under control. I don’t want to go through that again. The pain was horrible. It brought me to a dark place, granted it didn’t take much to bring me there but still. I hated being there. And now I am thinking of ways of killing myself because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired of living a life in pain and if my PCP won’t acknowledge the fact that what we are doing is fine then I might as well kill myself now than go through hoops to get pain meds.

So I am psychotic, in a lot of physical pain, and am deeply depressed. Yup…I am FUBAR…fucked up beyond all rehabilitation.

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity
It was enchanting to meet you
Your eyes whisper have we met

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is It was enchanting to meet you
This night is sparkling don’t you let it go
I spent forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

These are the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s song “Enchanted”. Every time I listen to this song it I think of the night that Dr. Jobes read my poster and I was enchanted by what surrounded me that night. He shook my hand and said good work. I was floored. I still am. He is my idol, my superstar. But that night and the next day changed me. I wish I could hold on to that feeling forever and this song takes me back to that time when I knew I belonged in the suicidology world and not a crummy lab working as a lab assistant. The next day, I got to meet David Lester and Antoon Leneears. Big names in the suicide field. I had just read their article the night before that they co-wrote along with Mauricio Pompili about Shneidman’s psychache pain scale. It can never work in the real world as it is a very complex scale not for the person taking it, but for the person interpreting it. I wish I could remember the name of the article and post it for those that want to read it but I would have to dig for it as I don’t know where it is. Anyways, I met these guys that I read the night before and how cool is that?? Total Enchantment!!

It was my first conference at the AAS, American Association of Suicidology. I still can’t believe that they accepted my paper for a poster session. It was unbelievable. I got to meet people and other grad students. I was probably the only undergrad there. It was such an amazing experience. I was on cloud nine for days. It made me want to get my degree faster but that would end later that year as I suffered a psychotic break and never fully recovered from it. All the pressure of that year through me into a psychosis that was hard to manage. I was also taking at the time a very difficult psych class and I guess it also didn’t help me. I ended up failing that class. I went from enchanted to disbelief. But nothing can take away that feeling of meeting Jobes and him shaking my hand.

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.