Category: suicide

to go on living a life you don’t want to live

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.

I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…

OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.

I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.

nothing man

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

“she loves him// she doesn’t want to leave this way// she needs him that’s why she’ll be back again”. Better Man, Pearl Jam

This is how therapy goes with me. I need it, she needs me.

****Warning might be triggering****

I was thinking about writing a story about my suicidal thoughts and I think I have it all set. Here goes:

He cuts the length of rope that needs, enough to cover the bed and his neck. He doesn’t know why they don’t sell a smaller rope size. 250 feet is really too long to do the deed for such a small space. All he needed was about 50 or so feet. If they sold it in bulk, he would have asked for that but the Home Depot didn’t. Somerville Lumber did. How he misses working in that store. He misses the people more than he did the regular customers that really kept the business alive.

He figures out the length and then carefully double knots everything so it stays in place. All attention to detail must be made. The biggest fear he has is that the bed will come with him as he hangs out the window. It is a cold day today. Maybe he should put on some heavier clothing, he wonders then laughs at the idea. He hopes God will forgive him as he take the final step out the window. Good-bye world he says, to himself. No one else can hear him. He struggles with the rope around his neck. He wants it off, it is strangling him. He feels like he is going to lose consciousness and finally he does. He just hangs there, lifeless. His task completed. His horror over.

awful session with therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

It came! My World Series cap finally arrived today. I hope it would have lifted this awful mood I am in but it hasn’t.

I don’t know where to begin. I had an awful session with my therapist last night. She was asking what to do with her anxiety and how it could be put to rest. I said valium is the answer. She said that wouldn’t make me less suicidal. True but she could zone out about it. I am joking here. I know suicide is not a joking matter but this is my blog and I will say what I want. She talked about how her anxiety revolves around my safety and she just doesn’t think I am safe anymore so how can she simply ignore that when I keep talking about putting a rope around my neck. And that is not to accessorize. (ok, another bad joke.) I think she should consult with someone. I really think that SHE needs someone to talk to about my case. Maybe they could help her. I know you can’t go alone when you are dealing with someone and their suicidality. That goes for client and therapists. I will tell her this on Tuesday when I see her. Or just send her this blog so she reads it and maybe it sticks in her head a little bit better.

I don’t know why I am in such a rotten mood. I guess because I made my therapist cry and I feel bad about that. Another indication that we are too close. I so very badly want to cancel Tuesday’s appointment but I have no where to go that day. Monday I see my psychiatrist. I don’t know how much of this I am going to tell her. We (therapist and I) talked about the hospital but what good will it do me. They don’t have you talk about stuff when you are there. They make you fill out a distress tolerance bullshit form. Like that is really going to help in times of wanting to put a fist through the wall. I don’t feel like doing that. I do feel like finishing off my bottle of whiskey. What would it hurt? Except for writing more “truth serum” blogs? I guess I am feeling hurt because that is really the only time I want to drink. Listening to Lady Antebellum is helping. They have made some their song acoustic and it is really cool. I need music right now to right this wrong I feel that I have done.

No one in my family knows about this. I haven’t talked to anyone. I wrote a friend an email asking what do I do but I haven’t heard back from her yet. It might be a few days till I hear back from her. She is the slowest person to respond to email because she is so busy. So I wait.

Other than a blogger friend, I really have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. But I am just not in the mood for talking right now. Today is my sister’s birthday and I am supposed to go to her party in about four hours from now. I really don’t feel like it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and hide under the covers. I forgot to get her a birthday card but then I think that birthday cards are stupid. All anyone cares about is what is inside. They don’t care what the card says. And they are more expensive now than they were in the past. Some as much as four fricken dollars? For something someone glances at and then junks? Seems ridiculous to me and a waste of money.

I have eaten only small meals today. I am starting to get hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I hate that. I just don’t know what I want. I kind of want Pad Thai but I think I will get that Monday when I see my pdoc as the restaurant is around the corner and it is a late appointment. Even if I wanted to go into the hospital I can’t. Not until I see my PCP for my monthly pain check visit. He is another one that wants me to call him if I feel like acting on something. What is he really going to do I have no clue. Not like I am really going to call him anyways. I have a crazy, lunatic therapist and my pdoc to call first.

issues of control and books

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I finally got Andrew Solomon’s new book Far From The Tree today and as expected, it is big! I am glad I got the hardcover and not the paperback because I know I probably would have wrecked the spine. I don’t know when I am going to start reading it. My reading concentration has been nil since finishing Team of Rivals. I have been trying to get into a Harry Potter book but even that seems overwhelming to me and I love reading Harry Potter. Chock it up to the depression being lousy. I still have at least three other book that I have not read but are on my list. One is a book about the American Revolution, a Civil War battles book, and another book on Lincoln. Can you tell I love history?? I also have others that I won’t mention because they will cover the whole spectrum of things. I always seem to buy books, a lot, in a short period of time and then when it comes time to reading them, I can’t decide which one to choose. And I have to say there are at least two books on my Kindle that are not read yet. I am an avid reader. I still have not finished re-reading Noonday Demon, though at this present time, I don’t know where it is. I know it is in one of my many bags.

I still have a clinical book, cognitive therapy for suicide behavior, that I have not finished. I will have to read that over because I forgot where I left off. If I start reading a book and leave it off in the middle for a long time, in this case more than a year, I usually start from the beginning just to refresh the old noodle.

I am having a slow day today. I just woke up from a nap and was hoping the mail came so I can have my World Series Baseball cap but looks like just the bulk mail got delivered. Dammit! I have decided that in order for me to cut my hair short again, I have to lose at least five pounds in the next two weeks. Which is going to be difficult because I love Thanksgiving and my mother is making the turkey and desserts. So much delicious food. Will I have the will power to stop myself from overeating?? Probably not which is why I am starting the diet today so I can indulge a little bit next week. But for right now I have to stay away from my mother’s chocolate chip cookies. They are my true weakness.

A friend of mine asked me to be part of a research study and it had a follow up interview as part of the thing. I should have said no and went on my way but I like taking parts in interviews. This one is about suicide attempt survivor and some family related stuff, which I don’t think it going to be useful to her because my family knows of three possible attempts and not the many. It is going to be tough and I am not sure I can do this. But then I always think of the worse and it never ends up being that way.

I have set my goal for the rest of the month. If I can get to page 100 I will get myself Starbucks coffee for home use. This way I don’t have to worry about going out for coffee on those days that I need to stay home. I just have to make sure I have half/half. I am thinking about making coffee now so I will stop here to have my fix.