Category: transgender

Tea time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Tea

I know most of you who read my blog think I am mostly a coffee drinker but there are times, like when I am sick, that I drink tea. If it is too late, like it is now, to have a cup of coffee, I will usually make a cup of tea to give me the caffeine I need to keep going. I like black teas, though I bought oolong tea and find I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. I think it is an acquired taste. I do like herbal teas, lemon, orange spice and chamomile. I usually buy only one brand of tea and that is Bigelow. I find their English breakfast really good. I know it is expensive for 20 bags of tea but I like what I like. I also know that 2 bags of Lipton tea will give me the strength I need that one bag of Bigelow does. I guess I just prefer the taste better. I don’t like fruit teas other than lemon and orange spice, though I have not tried them all. I know I don’t like apple tea. I prefer to eat an apple than drink it, though I do like cider, but I have not had it hot. Starbucks makes a hot cider during the winter months but I never tried it. Maybe I will this season, if I am around.

I still have my bloody menses (no pun intended). It is really showing no signs of stopping, even with the new patch. UGH I don’t know what to do. I hope my doc isn’t on vacation when I call tomorrow. I am not bleeding too heavy but it is just aggravating me at this point and I don’t need the aggravation. I especially hate it when I soil my pants, which is happening almost every fricken day now. And because of the pain in my ankle, I can’t shower every day so that poses a very difficult problem for me hygiene wise. I need to shower and have to force myself to and then pay the consequence of standing for ten minutes. I hate myself so bad. I really get mad at myself and start thinking that if only I had done things differently, I never would have gotten CES. But then if things didn’t play out the way they did, I wouldn’t have made so many online friends and have good relationships with people all over the world.

I really can’t wait for my therapist to be back on Tuesday. There is so much to catch up on. But then she will be on vacation again the week after so I am not happy about that. I wish she would have just taken the two weeks off in a row like normal people rather than take a week here and then a week there. But then she is a looney tune.

I was up most of the night. I didn’t fall asleep till at least 5 or six in the morning. I was reading after a phone call with a friend and time got away from me. I am still reading Team of Rivals and it just got interesting as the Civil War started. I really like this book but can’t believe it took 12 chapters to get to the war. I still have 12 chapters to go as I read almost three chapters last night. I think after I read this book, I am going to go back to the Harry Potter books. I have been meaning to re-read them.

I have to get started on my cauda equina paper. I am getting more and more search term hits on my blog. Though my blog Knackered has many hits, it doesn’t necessarily give the information that people are looking for. I did make my post CES a page, which I hope has been helpful to someone.

Random things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

There are huge shake downs in Boston right now regarding sports. The hockey team lost the finals. The basketball coach was fired. A football player is accused of double homicide. And while that is all going on, my baseball team is red hot and in first place for the first time since the 2009 season. That is all I am going to say on the matter as I don’t want a ragtime blog of my opinion on the subjects as other than baseball, I really don’t care. Right now only one sport exists and that is baseball. Anything concerning my players or the other teams is of interest in me. Otherwise, I don’t care.

I got a tweet last night saying that there is a 1,200 year old tomb that was found intact. I thought at first it might be a Maya tomb but that would be too late. It was of the Wari people who I didn’t even know existed. I am not too good on the early peoples of South America other than the Maya as they have plagued my interest since learning of their short ruling period. I also have an interest in the Inca as they are presumeably the ones that took over the Maya temples and such and faced the same fate once the Spanish invaded Mexico.

Anyway, I became interested in this tomb as I love archeology. I think that finding things from the past is fascinating. Yes I am a lover of the Indian Jones movies and maybe my fascination came from his work. But I am also interested in the dinosaurs and how things evolved from an evolutionary standpoint. I have yet to read Darwin’s Origin of Species but I plan to one day.

I saw my psychiatrist today. And she didn’t hospitalize me but I did tell her that I have a future date of potentially killing myself. She thinks that I am hormonal and asked that I contact my reproductive endocrine doc, which I did. To my surprise she was available for meeting with me to talk about what to do as I have my menses. She checked the lining of my uterus to see if there was a problem and there wasn’t. What she FAILED to tell me was that it could take up to three months for this new patch to work. That would have been helpful to know!!! So I am going to stick it out the three months (I have two months to go) and see if this patch is better than taking a pill every day. But I have had it will this period bullshit. My psych knows what havoc this is causing me. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I feel it is hopeless to transition. I can’t even talk about it without being very depressed about it. It is killing me more than having boobs.

I normally don’t think about being a male every day because I already think I am one as long as I don’t look at my chest. But when I get my menses, it really, really messes with my head and reinforces the notion that I am in the wrong body. I guess I have been in denial the past week. It just has been so hard but my suicidality has not peaked, least not yet. I feel that I should stop this and try and put it out of my head that I am a male. But that is so hard to do. I am not talking about changing my dress to female or anything of the sort. Just to stop thinking that I would be a male someday. Even if I were to get hormones, I doubt my breasts would shrink enough not to be noticed. I am morbidly overweight so they do have some fat and unless I starve myself, I really don’t see a way to be back to normal weight. I just bought some cereal to help with the diet again. I figure if I just eat cereal for two meals and then eat a normal dinner with some kind of protein, I should be ok. I just hope that I can stick with it. But losing weight is just one of the issues that I have with my self-esteem and body image issues.

My therapist thinks that I have body dysmorphic disorder. I think she maybe right as I do hate my body, every stinking inch of it. And in turn, I hate myself deeply because of it. I really think I am ugly and unattractive. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I am glad I don’t have any mirrors in my room except a very small one that I use so I can put eye drops in my eyes. Even then I loathe looking at myself. It is just another reason why I want to die. I don’t feel I deserve to be living because I am so heinous looking.

fuck its

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Feeling wicked distraught right now. I have breakthrough bleeding and it just kicked up my fuckits big time. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I am on the patch and I am hoping it doesn’t last more than a few days but I am really tired of this crap. I know that it’s the natural law of things for a woman but I am not a woman. I am a man and this thing just messes with my head. Now the suicidal tendencies have returned and I don’t like it one bit. I am so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know what to do.

Every time this happens, I feel like a little piece of me dies. The one wish that I could truly live as a man without menses is never going to be fulfilled. I am having cramps so that can’t be good. I just feel cursed. I know it is because I am in my fourth week of the patch. It’s almost like my body is saying you are going to bleed anyways and I don’t care what kind of hormones you throw at me. I guess I will just have to take a break from the patch this week and see what happens. I will have to go back to wearing woman’s underpants and feminine products. This saddens me to no end. I could cry right now.

TG issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

So my AAS blog post was posted today. So far I don’t have any likes or comments. I hope that changes in the next twenty-four hours. I feel that it is an important post that people should know about.

Today I went to see my reproductive endocrine doctor to get a handle on my periods. We are trying a new patch that I will start sometime next week. I hope it works because I am started to seriously doubt if I am a man. And if I am not a man I might as well be dead. It’s bad enough I had to have a breast exam today and it only made me want to cut the suckers off all the more. I really am in a bad place. I know I can’t go on like this. I just feel like everyone is against me. I have changed my Facebook name to GC rather than Mike because I feel so discouraged. I am having like an identity crisis. I can’t really decide which name I like better. GC would be easier to deal with for everyone because it’s closer to what people call me any ways…G. But I always felt like Mike was a good name for me since I was a kid. I don’t know. It is so very frustrating. And then today I thought about how many doctors I will have to see to get fully transitioned and get testosterone. Then I thought what if my insurance won’t pay for it? What will I do then? I just don’t know anymore. I wish there was some FTM I could really talk to about this other than my therapist. But I don’t know of anyone. I just know MTF.

And about the bus saga…I was coming home and the bus driver didn’t stop at my stop! I was so pissed. Not that it was a huge deal but I hated the fact that he just went right by it. I am glad that the next stop is just as close to my house as the one I missed. Only problem is that I was standing and doing a balancing act while the bus was in motion. I am now hurting. I pulled a hip flexor or something that is giving me sciatica. I have pain going down my right leg. I hope it settles down. I have been trying to keep off my feet as much as possible to avoid the inevitable ankle pain that will be flaring up any time now. Because I am already in pain, I decided to take a pain med. It is making me feel a little drowsy but then I have been up since 8 this morning.
I have been trying to avoid thinking about the TG stuff for the past couple of weeks. I know that if I think about it too much it gets me into a depressive funk that is hard to get out of. But today while at my doctor’s appointment, my doctor figured out why I wanted to stop my periods. In addition to them triggering my suicidal tendencies, it also reinforces the fact that I am not who I really am. I can’t even begin to tell anyone how much this hurts. They say that emotional pain lasts only 15 mins and any longer is self-inflicted. Apparently these people have never dealt with true emotional pain from being in a different body all the time. Pisses me off that these same experts think that I should be dead. But that will happen later this year, or maybe sooner. I just can’t help but think about it all the time now. I wonder what I am waiting for. I just feel like I should have things planned out so that there aren’t any questions when I go. I want to leave behind notes to people because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t love them enough or that it was their fault I was dead. That my therapist and psychiatrist didn’t do enough to help me. They have done more than they could have done. But the demon inside needs to be let out and kill me. I am holding it at bay but it is so tough not to give in every single time it crosses my mind.