Tag: baseball

Saturday Blog 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30

Last night I was in a lot of pain. I slept for a few hours and then had a bad dream that woke me up around 0100. I stayed up till around 3 and then slept for a few more hours. I didn’t have to get up for any reason. When I did, I made some coffee. I also made some toast to have something in my stomach. I have been listening to the ball game. We are killing the Mariners right now, 15-2. We have scored so many runs to make up for most of the month in the last two games. I hope they continue to go well but they are playing a sucky team with a similar record to the Sox. Though I don’t know what happened to the “King”. He usually is a dominant pitcher but we chased him from the game in the 3rd inning.

When the ball game is over, I plan on typing up what I wrote yesterday. I can’t wait to get this paper written up and done. It is something that I started out as fun but is turning into a chore. I really thought it was just going to be an easy blog but the terms have proved more difficult than it’s worth. I just hope the people that read it like it.

I can’t believe that I had another bad dream for the second night in a row. I don’t know if pain has something to do with it. It just sucks because I am feeling really sluggish for most of the day from lack of good sleep. Even though I had coffee, I still don’t feel up to task. But I know that I will catch my second wind sometime after seven. It’s a hot day today and muggy. I am staying in my room, like I usually do. I really would like to be in my office and work from there but I have crap on my desk chair that I don’t feel like moving. It will be hot in there and I work better in cooler conditions. My room is the only room that has the AC.

College football season starts in about three weeks. I cannot wait. My teams, Nebraska and Ohio State, are playing and luckily are at different times. I have been looking forward to college football since the Sox started really sucking, which was about a few weeks ago. I usually don’t pay attention to any football until baseball season is officially over but I make an exception to college ball. OSU won the National Championship last year and were almost undefeated. They lost their first game and won all subsequent games. It was tough because their main QB got hurt and went out for the season. Then the backup QB got injured close to the end of the season. Their 3rd QB brought them to the championship game. I don’t know who is going to be their starting QB, the 2nd or 3rd. I haven’t heard anything. I am hoping it is the 3rd QB. He has some moves. The main QB is now a WR.

Another Ramble about Meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Ramble about meds

I just emailed my doctor’s office. I didn’t call them idiots. I checked the email that was sent to me and I didn’t put a mistake. The mistake (sending it off for mail order) is all on my doctor’s head. He should have read to see where it was going and he didn’t. Now I am out of my blood pressure meds, well one of them anyways. I think I will be able to survive the next few days without one of them. I have a BP monitor that I just bought to keep track of my heart rate when I have panic attacks due to pain. So far, it has worked well and my BP has been in the normal range. I hope it stays like that.

I went on a chat tonight that sort of has me triggered but not really. It was about sex abuse and mostly about how family denies it. DING DING DING. That would be my family, except for my father. He doesn’t know or my cousin would not be living today. The chat brought back memories of what happened. I won’t go into more detail than that. I really should be sleeping right now because my niece is sick and I need to babysit tomorrow morning, early. It’s going to be a long fucking day.

Sox lost because the bullpen can’t hold on to a fucking lead to save their lives. It was terrible. I couldn’t bare to watch after the top of the 10th when the Sox failed to do anything. I knew they were going to lose. They hardly win in extra inning games. But then, they are more on a losing streak than a win streak any day of the week. This is why I still have my bottle of Patron. For every win, I have a shot, which hasn’t been many since I came up with this idea. The sox have more losses than wins, like almost 20. I think the record is 50-69, or something like that. It’s sad.

I have a thermal sock on my bad foot because it was ice cold. It’s getting warmer but I might keep it on because it’s cozy. But it hurts really bad. I haven’t taken my pain meds yet because I feel nauseous. I don’t think having cereal with expired milk was a good idea. I was hungry, like I usually am at night. For some reason, I keep burping up the coffee I drank hours ago. Not helping the nausea.

In addition to the Sox losing tonight, I am also pissed that the article I was reading for my language of suicide paper was a part 2er, meaning it was shit that I read and what I am looking for is in the Part 2 paper. I am so fucking mad. I spent the last two days working and thinking about how I am going to review this article and it was for nothing. I still might include it as background information before getting to the real terminology. I feel like a fool for reading it. And it was a long article too, like 14 pages, not including the references. The second article is just as long. I hope it is worth my effort and someone finds this paper useful. Otherwise, I am just wasting my damn time.

Because I will be babysitting, I got to find a place to have therapy for 50 minutes. I am thinking about my sister’s bedroom where there is AC. Tomorrow is supposed to be muggy so the house is going to be warm. I will melt if I am not near an AC.

Reading and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night was a difficult night. I finally read the “language of suicidology” article and it frustrated me. There was still no clear definitions of terms and far too many synonyms for things that should be clear but are not. I plan on finishing up the “tower of babel” articles some time today. I was too tired to read the thirty pages last night. I did tweet my frustration on the terms they were using last night. It was all that I could do to try and get myself ready for bed. Problem is, I have been wicked sleepy most of the day and had at least three naps so far. My head is not clear so I might take the articles to Starbucks tomorrow when I go for my coffee. I could make a cup now but it’s after three and I really don’t want to be up all night, again.

I finally took a much needed shower and feel refreshed but have no energy to do anything. It took all I had to take the shower and now I feel like going back to sleep. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I have energy and sometimes I don’t. Today is one of those times. I am not in serious pain. My ankle is behaving, some how. I haven’t really taxed it the last few days. My back has been sore after the shower, which is weird because I usually don’t have back pain. I didn’t stand too long so I am not understanding why I feel so low and why the back of my hip is throbbing.

I am listening to the game. We are currently winning. Dammit, Masterson just gave up a homerun. It is 3-2 Sox. JBJ comes through with bases loaded! 6-2 Sox!! Holt comes through and brings home JBJ. 7-2 sox. This is turning into a ball game! I might have a shot of Patron tonight. It will be the 50th win of the season. They haven’t had many wins that I can enjoy a little Patron. And strike three called, Sox win!!

I have been feeling low most of the day. It’s fairly muggy despite the low temps. I hate muggy weather. I really am not a summer person. Give me a cold day any day, but not below zero cold. I can’t tolerate that kind of cold. I don’t know why my mood sucks. I am thinking of calling my therapist tomorrow and see if I can have a session. I think being wiped out after taking the shower is taking a toll on me. It sucks that “normal” daily care is so tough.

I have started Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. I really love that book. Goblet of Fire is not my favorite because the descriptions of Voldemort coming back to life were really creepy. I don’t like creepy. Since buying the box set, I have been reading the books in order. I really thought about “cheating” and skipping Goblet of Fire for Order of the Phoenix but I just couldn’t do it. This book is bigger than the previous three books. I judge it will take me a week and a half to read.

Saturday Blog 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 28

Listening to the ball game. We are currently leading 5-0. I don’t believe it. The way the season has gone, it is a miracle they are in the winning column right now. Usually it’s a reverse. Now the question becomes, can they hold on to the lead? Of course not!

I haven’t showered in a few days. I need to do so today. I think I will after I finish this blog. I have gone out today to get my prescriptions. I couldn’t pick get them yesterday because they were having electrical issues. A transformer blew on the main road in my town so the businesses were out of power. I meant to get some snacks but didn’t. Now I am too hot and tired to go back to the store. When I came home, my brother in law asked me to watch my niece. I did. He will be getting me half and half. I hope he gets the half gallon and not the quart like he did last time.

Finally finished “Chamber of Secrets”. It might have taken me about a week to do but I finished it. As I was reading it, I was keeping an ear out on the game. The starting pitcher gave up four runs. The Sox still have the lead, but barely. Bases are loaded with Sox now, with Bogey at the plate. Only one run scores though. The second run that tries to score is out at the plate. Sox up 7-4. Sox scored a couple of more runs. It’s now 9-6. I am so glad the manager of the Rays is someone other than Joe Maddon. I cannot stand Maddon. I prefer ARod over him, that is how much I can’t stand him. He plays dirty and I just don’t like him, though he thinks he plays fair. Now the idiot is the Cubs manager.

I have been thinking about starting another letter for my therapist to read. I really don’t feel like having therapy anymore. I don’t know if I need it. I forgot to discuss this with my psychiatrist yesterday. I just don’t think it is worth talking anymore. I haven’t been getting anything out of it other than frustration. We are coming up to our 15th year anniversary. I have never been with someone this long before. We know each other fairly well. For the most part, we don’t argue that much. Only time we argue is about my safety and my suicidality. Thing that gets me is that my therapist, I think, has an anxiety problem she refuses to acknowledge. She gets very nervous with me and it prevents “therapy” from happening.