Tag: bipolar disorder

Wasted day but not really

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wasted day but not really

I had gone to my father’s for nothing. The stupid oxygen people called me at 11 saying they would not be able to make it and had to reschedule. Fucking waste of my time as I sat in my dead father’s apartment for the second day in a row. I was able to rent a zipcar to go to therapy today. Some how between my father’s and home, I crapped my pants. This makes no sense as I didn’t have loose stool today or I wouldn’t have gone out. Stupid CES.

In therapy, we just talked about my father and how he died. I still feel guilty as I feel there should have been more I could have done for him. She told me there was nothing more I could have done. It helped a little coming from her. She asked how my grief was and I told her it was still in the shock/numb stage. There are moments where I will feel sad. I was riding on the bus today and was overcome with sadness. I thought I was going to cry. I didn’t but it was very difficult going to his house.

I have been up since 0500. When I woke up, I didn’t want anything to do with the wake or funeral. I really don’t want to go. I know I have to or I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Found out my Godmother, who is my father’s sister, was taken to the hospital. She is doing better now. I hope she can make it to the wake but I will understand if she can’t. She is 91 and has Parkinson’s disease. She didn’t react well to losing her brother. I am really worried about her.

My cousin made us homemade mac and cheese. I was very hungry after not eating all day because I was sick this morning with a migraine. Now I feel sick after all the food I ingested. I have such a sour stomach it’s not funny. I ate it cold because I really don’t like reheated mac and cheese. I hope it stays in my stomach. I am not looking forward to taking my meds later tonight. If my stomach is still bothering me, I’ll just take the important pill and leave the rest.

post 1725

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, mood disorders

I had therapy today and all we did was talk about the passing of my father. Then I waited, in his apartment, for a while for the oxygen man to come remove the equipment they delivered yesterday. It was hard being in his apartment alone. I have been up since 0600 so after my therapy appointment, I took a snooze. I slept in his easy chair, not his bed because that would be too weird. My father had a clock that whooshes and birds call on the hour. I think when he heard it, it made passing easier. Today I heard it while talking to my therapist and busted out laughing. She didn’t get the joke. I tried to get her to understand but I was laughing too much. He loved that clock.

I am brain dead. I am going to take my meds and call it a night. Got to be back at my father’s apartment by 0930 tomorrow. I tried to rent a zipcar but because of this stupid oxygen tank bullshit, I had to cancel my reservation. I am pissed. But if the guy comes before 1000, I might still be able to make it. We’ll see.

Solemn Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.

Difficult Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The side of my leg has been killing me the last few days. Today was the worse of it. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I am not having back pain with it nor is it radiating pain. It’s like this patch on my leg is throbbing really bad. It’s worse if I am sitting in a chair. I have been visiting my father for the last few hours. He only has a few more days to live.

I talked with my cousin today and she is going to let his surviving brother know, though he isn’t in too great of health either. He is 90 and has dementia. I have let my other cousins know via Facebook that live in France. I don’t know how else to communicate with them as I don’t have their numbers and I don’t speak French. I had to use Google translator to send them the message. I didn’t want to do it this way but I am out of options.

Tomorrow is going to be tough because I have to deal with setting up my father going home. I was able to extend his insurance through an appeal but the nursing home can deny it and bill us anyways so it’s better to take him home with us to die. The social worker said that they will set up services and stuff before discharging him so I am hoping that to be the case. This just buys us some time to actually get those services where he lives. Hospice is coming in the morning so I have to be at the nursing home early. I just hope my leg pain is gone by then.

I have been going through some difficult emotions today when I saw my father. He was sleeping and then would become agitated and restless. We had to give him morphine because he was in pain and Ativan to keep him calm. He is not communicative anymore so we have no idea where it hurts. He also has been having the hiccups which seem to be painful for him. It gets him all upset afterwards and my sister has to calm him down. It was hard to watch as I felt so helpless. My youngest sister was in tears watching him today. I don’t know how much more she can take. She tries to be strong but I know she is hurting inside. I wish I could talk to her but I don’t know what to say as I am going through it, too.

I am feeling really distraught over this. Being in physical pain isn’t helping. Last night, I found out I have bruises on my ankle and I have no idea how I got them but it’s making my ankle pain through the roof. I just want to take a bunch of pills and see if I sleep till oblivion. But I can’t do that because I have other obligations. I really need to be in the hospital but I can’t until after the funeral.