Tag: bipolar disorder

Anxiety surrounding death

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.

Disappointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disappointment

This is today’s Daily Prompt from WordPress. I have been trying to think of something to say about this but I got nothing yet have a lot to say. It’s hard to get the words out. Today is one of those days where I am just staring at the screen wondering what to say. So I will just say what is on my mind and hope that I find the words to tell it.

My mother’s sister is a bitch. I do not like her at all because she is so conniving. She likes to talk about anything and everything yet it’s always about other people and how they acted. She is the biggest hypocrite out there. What really pissed me off this week is that she has been telling people about my father. She hates my father as much as he hates her. Now I hate her even more for talking about my father behind his back. I found this out because I told my cousin that lives in Texas that my father was dying. He said that he already knew because of my aunt. When she was over the house yesterday at my niece’s party, I so wanted to say something but I knew I would be upset and start crying and there were other people at the party so I kept my mouth shut. It still bothers me that she wants to find out things about him to invoke sympathy for her, not for us. That is her game. I don’t like it at all.

I really wanted a tuna sandwich today but I am out of the tuna I like. I felt like going to the store to get it but I really need a shower and I just don’t feel like taking one. I will eventually today, but not right now. I am waiting for someone to call me back about hospice for my father.

I am not in good space. I really feel like I need to talk to someone about the stress I feel about the upcoming few days. It doesn’t look like my father is going to die in the next 48 hours so he will most likely be sent home on Monday with services. This is because his insurance will no longer pay for his stay at the nursing home. It’s a tough situation and it’s putting extra stress on me and my sisters. It doesn’t help that my ankle is being a brat right now and I am in mega pain. I took some pain meds and I am getting sleepy from it. I so want to take a nap but I am waiting for a callback from hospice to see if they provide services my father’s town that he lives in.

For the first time in months, my hunger has returned. I have been eating today. Not a lot but enough to get by. I think the physical symptoms of depression are now behind me. But we’ll see. Tomorrow might be totally different.

After the Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

After the Party

I left the party soon after the cake was served. I had two slices and a lot of pizza. My sister had made this flatbread type pizza with I think pita bread and it was so damn good. I couldn’t stop myself from eating it. I overate and my stomach is killing me. My ankle was bothering me and I couldn’t stand being near my aunts and uncles so I left. I went to my room and watched a few episodes of Friends.

After the shows, I started feeling palpitations. Now I feel psychache and I want to die. I just don’t want to live anymore and am contemplating drinking gin. I just took my night time dose of pain meds. Alcohol would not be a great idea. I just want to feel numb. Drinking will do that. I have thought of going in the hospital. But I know my family needs me and it’s killing me. The next few days are going to be tough. I just don’t know if I can be there mentally. I am already stressed to the max.

My biggest fear about my father being home is that if he ends up being in pain, we can’t alleviate it because he can no longer swallow. His mouth is just too dry from the dehydration. He can barely spit his phlegm out. Then I worry about falls, either with my father or my sister transferring him. We don’t have a wheelchair so I don’t see how we are going to get him to the bathroom should he need to go. I know he isn’t eating or drinking and his kidneys are shot but he still needs to poop. And wheelchairs are expensive. My sister thinks that we can just get an ambulance to transport him home. I don’t think she realizes that is not how ambulances work and even if we did, we would have to pay for it and it could be at least $1000 or more. I just have a bad feeling about this and unfortunately, there are no other alternatives. We can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home.

I just don’t know what we are going to do. We know he doesn’t have that much longer but we can’t make it go any faster. I just feel awful. I am tired and I need to sleep but my worries are keeping me up. I never showered. I might do that tomorrow. I hope I sleep through the night. Last night I went to bed early and woke up around 0200. It just stinks having broken sleep on top of being depressed and grief stricken.

I am tired of fighting my suicidality. I want to give into it so badly. I want to get a life insurance policy so my family doesn’t have to worry about my funeral expenses. But suicide is usually excluded from policies or you might have to wait until the policy matures or something. I am actually kicking myself for living through my birthday because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my father dying and shit. I would be fucking dead. I’m going to drink and take some Ativan after I take my night meds. Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.

Just Another Day II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day

I had my pain management appointment. For some reason, the new system kicked out my medication that I take so the medical assistant had to put it back on. It was the only medication not listed. Weird. I talked with the NP about the situation with my father. After the appointment, she gave me a hug, which I thought was nice. She is a good person.

Today is my niece’s birthday. Kids are over the house but the food isn’t out yet. I only had Ensure for my breakfast and lunch because I wasn’t hungry. I still am not hungry but I will try and have something at the party. I am down another six pounds according to the scale at the doc’s office. This keeps up, I can be at my target goal by the end of the year.

I still feel an overwhelming sadness around me. I still have my menses which is aggravating the fuck out of me. It should be over with by tomorrow or Sunday. I need to take a shower because I feel gross but it will have to be after the party. I don’t know if taking the shower is going to aggravate my ankle and I don’t want to miss the party because of pain.

The hardest part of this, other than my father actually dying, has been my gender identity issues. I have had to play the role of daughter the past few weeks and it has been killing me. What is worse, is that everybody has been calling me my birth name, which I hate. Having my menses always fucks with me but having to be a “daughter” rather than a “son” is just painful. I have had to grin and bear it because there is nothing more that I can do. It’s like no matter how much progress I make with transitioning, there always seems to be a few steps back. And it hurts.

The stupid bus was late on my way home. My ankle is not too happy with me right now. I went downstairs to get some chocolate. I was going to have a bowl of cereal but I never opened the new box and I didn’t feel like going to the porch to get it. I’ll just have to wait for the party food.