Tag: bipolar disorder

Breakdown here

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Breakdown here

Today I broke down, while at the nursing home. My younger sister snapped at me and that was it. It started a cascade of tears and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried. Then I would get my composure, start talking and the tears started up again. I finally stopped but after I wrote to my psychiatrist about the ridiculousness of the day, I started up again and couldn’t stop. I was in my room and thought I had privacy until my middle sister came to check on me. Then I cried harder. It was such difficulty to stop when I couldn’t.

Found out my middle sister reads my blogs. So I kind of had to stop posting on FB my posts. I will lose some views per day but least she won’t be “spying” on me. She was reading my blogs to check up on me and I had no idea until today. She and my other sister were upset that I didn’t tell them my thoughts on how long my father had left. I told them that it could be a few days to a week to ten days or more.

I am really tired and in pain. I have been up since 0400. I left the house early because I wanted coffee even though I had made a cup at home. I just needed to get out of the house. I didn’t have a breakfast sandwich today because I wasn’t hungry. I had a black bean burger and some baked beans for my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with a bottle of water. I just am not hungry today. Last night after we left the nursing home, my sister took us out to eat and I was still kind of full from that. My stomach is just not the same as it used to be. I lost a few more pounds though I am still not less than 200. I am working on it though. I will be weighed tomorrow when I go to my pain management appointment.

I did a stupid thing today. My father needed to use the bathroom while I was there. It was just me and I thought I would be able to handle it. Wrong. He lost control of his legs because he was so weak and I had to lower him to the floor because I couldn’t maneuver him back to the bed. I had to call for help and the nurses looked at me like I had three heads. I was like WTF. I hurt my back in the process. I think it’s just soreness and I hope it goes away. The whole episode left me very upset. Hence why I was so tearful.

My ankle is killing me and so is my foot. I feel like I should ice it but sometimes that makes it worse. I have already taken multiple doses of pain meds. I might have to take a strong one to calm it down. I think I might have twisted it without realizing it while dealing with my father. Course, I have been standing a LOT the last few days on it so that might be another reason why it’s so damn painful.

After I wrote my psychiatrist the email, I became really suicidal. I would have slashed my throat or something if I had the means. I was desperate to die. I texted my therapist that I was having a breakdown. She called me a few hours later to find out what was going on. I told her that I really wanted to be in the hospital but can’t because I have a meeting with the nursing home people on Tuesday and because I am the health care proxy, I have to be there or they can’t give out any information to my sisters. Next week is going to be really tough because the insurance my father has runs out and the state insurance is still in process. They are so damn slow. My father could die while waiting for the application to go through. I’m still hoping that he does die but an assessment today said that he could live for the next 10 days or so. It’s going to put a financial burden on us if the thing doesn’t go through. We don’t have the money to pay the nursing home fees. I don’t know what we are going to do if we have to take him home. I just worry that comfort measures won’t be so suitable in my father’s apartment like they will be in the home. Just add a little more stress to my life, why not!

Grief is a Process

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Grief is a process

I am reminded of the words said in the movie “Analyze That” where the psychiatrist who lost his father says that grief is a process.

I found out today that my father does not have long to live. They have given him a week tops. He is severely dehydrated. I would be surprised if he lives longer than the next 7 days. I found out this information right before my psychiatrist appointment. I spent most of the time there crying and trying to hold back tears. I was so grief stricken.

My phone kept going off because I forgot to shut it off before the appointment like I usually do. I was just out of sorts today. I haven’t told my sisters yet. I really don’t know what to tell them because we know he is going to die. We have hospice tomorrow so I think that will hopefully sink in a little more for them than it does me.

Been listening to Pearl Jam since I left my appointment with my psych. It’s the only music I want to listen to when I am upset. I feel numb since being told about my father. He is on comfort measures only, which I want him to be. I have to change the orders because I had given them permission to go to the hospital for fluids. That was when I thought he would be recovering and be sent home. Now things have changed, drastically.

My therapist asked me a stupid question today. She asked if I remembered what my father was like when I was between the ages of 1-5. Like seriously? Who has those memories? I am lucky if I remember what I had for breakfast today, let alone what happened to me when I was 5. I know the voices started when I was 5, but other than that, I don’t remember much.

It’s warm outside today but the house is cold as anything. I had to wear my thermal socks as my feet are wicked cold. I’m also in a long sleeved t-shirt. I am so tired. I have been up since 0600. It wasn’t planned as I had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to go back to sleep because my alarm was set to go off in 45 min. I have been calling family members which has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. But grief is a process and dealing with family members and their support means so much. I feel like a burden has been lifted and that it’s not a secret anymore.

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t sleep for a lot of reasons

I am so tired that I can’t sleep. I have a million things on my mind. It didn’t help that my brother in law pissed me off with his ignorance in medical matters. The idiot thought my father is in acute liver failure. I had to correct him several times. Then he thought that the medication my father has been taking for years has contributed to the kidney failure. He just doesn’t get it. And it’s so painful because he thinks he is right and the world is wrong.

I also have been fighting my suicidal urges for most of the evening. I took 2 mg of Ativan to calm myself down as I am just a wreck. The news of my father being in KIDNEY failure is not sitting well with me. I know that it is going to be down hill after this. He is just going to get worse. I keep praying he goes in his sleep one of these days.

I also took 900 mg of Neurontin because I can’t stand the burning in my ankle/foot anymore. It’s been helping increase my appetite the last few days. I am hoping I can have my favorite breakfast sandwich tomorrow and finish it without a problem.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am nervous about seeing her. I told her today that I think my father is going to die within a week’s time and that hospice has been called. I also told her that I have to put off going in the hospital because my father is closer to dying. I can’t wait for this to be over with. It’s been really tough. My youngest sister is in denial about him dying. She said it “doesn’t make sense”. I don’t know what to say to make it make sense for her. She thinks that my father will bounce back and have the energy he once had. Denial is a powerful thing.

I hate being in pain but especially nerve pain because Neurontin is the only thing that helps with it but it takes hours for it to work. That’s why I took the Ativan to help me sleep. I really felt like taking the rest of the bottle but I didn’t. My psych would have really put me in the hospital if I did, regardless of the situation with my father. I can’t risk being sectioned involuntarily.

I wish I could just lay down and fall asleep. I am going to try in a little bit. Today has been such a hard day and I didn’t need the tangle with my brother in law to get me more upset. I just hope that I don’t wake up at 0400 like I have the past few mornings. That has really disrupted my sleep, not to say I have been sleeping right but it just makes it worse.

I have been slowly gaining interest back with the Sox. They are doing horrible tonight. They have had a few chances to score and blew it. Right now they are scoreless in extra innings, least they were when I last checked.