Tag: bipolar disorder

Five fucking hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Five fucking hours

I am so fucking glad these Oxygen people came for their equipment. I waited five fucking hours in my dead father’s apartment for them. They called me around 1445 to tell me they are lost. I was so pissed. The other guys knew where the apartment was. So annoying.

I got some stuff that I wanted from my father. Then when I was on my way home, my sister called and wanted me to bring home the eggs in the fridge. Really? You couldn’t tell me that when I was on the phone with you three hours ago?? I am so aggravated. Then on the bus this disabled lady comes on, and immediately spills her coffee at the front of the bus. The whole bus ride smelled like French vanilla. I got off three stops before my usual one to walk off the steam. I was so annoyed.

My mother called to ask if I ate. I haven’t had anything since I got to my father’s apartment at around 1000. I am not hungry because I am so aggravated. Maybe if I calm down, I will have something. I feel like ordering Chinese food but am afraid of spending $30 on food and not being able to eat it. I finally found a good restaurant that delivers, though you have to spend a minimum of $25 and they charge a delivery fee. So worth it though to have decent Chinese food.

I didn’t do anything but listen to music while at my father’s and go through some of his things. I took stuff off his wall that he had pinned up. He won’t be needing his reminders of doctors appointments anymore. I got a shaving kit that he never used. It must have been in his apartment for a while because there was at least an inch of dust on it. I also took the rest of his Ensure and his soap that wasn’t opened. My sister had bought him Dove because he got really dry skin and was scratching himself though he blamed it on bugs biting him. We had I don’t know how many exterminators come to his apartment and they never saw these bugs. After my father got some steroid cream, the bug bites stopped and we didn’t hear anything more of it. Though he kept spraying himself with alcohol to prevent bug biting him. He was a character.

I played the Powerball tonight because it’s $314 million. I played two quick pics. The first one has my father’s month and year of birth. The second has my Godfather’s birthday. Fucking weird. Hope it comes out.

fucking pissed off II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Fucking pissed off II

I received a text from my sister. She can’t make the time tomorrow for the oxygen assholes so guess who is going in her place?? Yup, me. I was so looking forward to just staying home, waiting on a delivery that is for me. I have a feeling I know who it is from because they actually specified my floor I live on and there are very few people that know my home address outside of family. So now I got to sit at a dead man’s apartment again. This time, I am taking a few things home with me, like his Ensure and his dirt devil. I don’t think my sisters want it. My youngest sister said she just wants a frying pan. I am also going to take his little basket of quarters. That will be my inheritance, LOL.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep. I bought Martina McBride’s latest album Reckless. I am listening to it now. She has such an amazing voice. She made a song that is on Lady Antebellum’s last album and now I can’t decide who sings it better, Martina or Hillary Scott. Think Hillary sings it better. But I love the lyrics to the song.

I am so aggravated that my sister bailed. I am not surprised though. Just pisses me off that I am still expected to drop everything and do something for a dead guy. I now have to catch the morning bus to his house which means getting up early so I can make coffee and be some what awake to go out. I have been sleeping so poorly the last few nights. Been waking up early morning hours. But that could be the depression, too.

I called my psychiatrist. I didn’t do it as an emergency. I just felt like I should check in with her as I haven’t talked to her since our emergency session last week. I have been emailing her but I really wanted to talk to her. I kind of feel that something is wrong with me because I am not experiencing emotion except anger and that I haven’t really cried for my father since he died. She said what I was feeling was normal. I felt better but she wants me to page her Sunday afternoon. Was not expecting that! Guess she is worried about me.

I was talking with my cousin today. He is really going to miss my father. He is the only male cousin, other than the cousin-in-laws. I feel sad for him. His mother is my Godmother, my father’s sister. I know my father loved him a great deal. He wouldn’t drive people crazy if he didn’t.

As mad as I am, I am also sad. It comes in spurts but doesn’t last too long. I still haven’t cried. I don’t know when that is going to happen. I think me breaking down the other night is what I needed, even though it was more for my aunt than my father. But they were tears none the less.

Don’t like this new album by Martina. There are no songs that hit me other than the title track. It’s not like Eric Church’s album. Maybe I should put him on…

Immortality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Immortality

I came home from the funeral reception a little while ago and decided to play some music. Pearl Jam’s song “Immortality” was the first song played so thought it would be a perfect title.

I didn’t think I was going to get through the funeral mass. My nieces said some scriptures and both broke down. It was heart breaking to see them cry. I feel really bad I am still in a state of shock and feel no emotion. I didn’t cry except when I found out my aunt was sick and thought she wasn’t going to be ok.

It was okay at the reception. I didn’t eat too much because I didn’t want to get sick. Lately I have been eating more than I have the past few weeks and my stomach has been hurting me afterwards. We have been having chicken ziti and broccoli all week. I don’t mind because I love the dish. My sister has been having edible arrangements delivered all week. We have a lot of fruit to eat.

I really haven’t cried for my father’s loss all week. I have moments of sadness but mostly I feel relieved. I really dislike my aunt (mother’s sister) who has been coming over with her loud mouth talking about anything and everything. It’s pissing me off because I just want things to be quiet and she just yells to get her point across. She was telling me that my cousin on my father’s side paid her a compliment about my grandmother and she cried. I wasn’t phased. She can cry at the mention of her mother’s name or grave site or anything for that matter. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she didn’t care for my father at all, not one fucking bit yet she is playing sympathy to him. She is something else and it bothers me so much. I really want to kick her out but she is at my sister’s place so I have no right to kick her out. So I leave to be alone and away from her.

I called the stupid oxygen people and said I wanted a fix time that they would be by because it’s hard to be at my father’s apartment waiting for them to come. They said they will be over between 1100 and 1300. My sister will be at his apartment to do some cleaning up. I am not sure I will be over. I got a call from a florist saying that there will be a delivery for me tomorrow and it’s perishable so I need to be home. My mother is deaf and won’t hear the doorbell. I have been going all week without a chance to breathe. It’s been go, go, go all week. I finally had a chance to email my friend to let him know my father died.

I am exhausted. I went to bed last night around midnight only to wake up at 0200. I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 0400. We had to leave early this morning for the church and our final goodbyes at the funeral home. I snapped a pic of my father in the casket because that is how I want to remember him, not the way I last saw him before they collected his body. I made coffee this morning and had an Ensure for breakfast. I wasn’t up for eating anything. I had a small dish of pasta at the reception and some cheese when I came home. I am not hungry. I am sleepy, however.

Last night, I was talking with one of my cousins that I am really close to. Some how the whole transgender thing came up and I said don’t worry, I have had to play “daughter” all month and use my real name as well. It bothered me but I got a couple of sir calls last night with the funeral home men so that made me feel good. And there was an older gentleman that called me sir as well. I guess that is why I don’t feel like crying. I’m too stoic and I feel like I have to be the strong one while my sisters lose their emotions. I do feel inhibited for some reason. Like if something doesn’t go my way, I will blow up. Which is probably why I left my sister’s apartment before I blew up at my aunt and her ex son in law. I really don’t know why the fuck he was there.

Post 1727

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.