Tag: bipolar disorder

Emotional Numbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Emotional Numbing

I was talking with my therapist today about being numb. Seems that since I went up on my mood stabilizer, my writing has been affected, and not in a good way. I feel numb and its hindering my writing abilities. I only write “good” writing when I feel strong emotion. I know it’s easy to blame the meds but this time I think it is affecting me more than my bipolar. I am going to experiment and see if lowering the dose helps. I know this might now be a good idea but I got to get cracking on my book. It’s already February and I haven’t written one page of stuff.

I hate it when I feel nothing, no sadness, no happiness, no joy. Nothing at all. It’s like I am on an even keel. I am not used to feeling this way. I am used to feeling suicidal and depressed all the time. I guess it is better that I am not feeling this way but it’s weird. There have been times I feel depressed, mostly at night. That is when a switch goes off and I feel some emotion. But most of the time, I am on an equilibrium.

I think reducing my meds will help. I can’t stand the numbing anymore. I know I risk becoming hypomanic by doing this or worse, a really bad suicidal depression. I don’t think it will happen quickly. It will happen over time like this numbness has occurred. Last night I was annoyed at the postman. He refused to deliver my package because there was light snow on my stairs. I was really pissed off and it took me a while to calm down. I then started a Twitter rant about being suicidal. No one responded, as usual. I took my Twitter posts off my Facebook feed. I was tired of having to post on Twitter and then get a response on Facebook. Now whenever I retweet something it gets posted to Facebook. If Twitter does indeed change their formatting to Facebook like posts, I might just be on blog mode or something. I can’t stand the Facebook timeline. It drives me crazy.

Today was a cold day and I need to rest my ankle so I didn’t go out. I made Kona coffee that gave me the jitters. I was having an anxiety attack by the time my therapist called me. Talking to her about it helped calm me down. I can only feel anxiety and annoyance or pissed off lately. Maybe the depression is so deep that I just can’t feel it. That is another possibility. But I hate spending most of my day just staring at my bureau listening to music, just zoning out. Music doesn’t even seem to reach me. It used to. I don’t sing the songs out loud anymore. I will just sing them in my head. The voices have been quiet so I haven’t even had conversations with them.

My therapist and I also talked about how my suicidality has taken the back seat, causing Hyde to feel sad. I didn’t bring up my plans in a few weeks. Even though I am not actively suicidal, I still want to die and I am going to put that plan to action. I just can’t stand living anymore. She commented on how I have been texting her that I am depressed and wanting to die. Most of that talk was because I was in really bad space with my physical pain. I just want to give up on going on because the pain is just so awful.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. She hasn’t been in the office because a family member is sick. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. Hopefully the family member will get better soon and she will be back in the office. I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t been emailing her updates or anything because I thought I would be seeing her after my father’s appointments. Guess that isn’t going to happen now.

Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday Blues

I took my father to his appointment. We got there early and they took him early, which was a shock as the last few appointments they were late. They had a piano playing so I couldn’t read. Live music tends to interfere with my reading voice. So I just played with my phone and texted my sister. My mother is not destined to have a new fridge. She ordered a new one but they had trouble getting it up the stairs. So again, no new fridge. My mother is very upset as am I. I wish she would just let me order from the Sears website but she doesn’t trust her information on the web. UGH. So annoying!

Things with my father went well until the last leg home. That is when he annoyed the hell out of me. My father isn’t happy until he pisses you off. And that he did. I am still fuming. I can’t fucking stand him. I try not to sit next to him on the train for this reason but there wasn’t another seat to be had.

Despite being mad, I am also feeling wicked sad. I keep thinking about Hyde and how sad he is, which makes me feel sad as well. I am the host. I feel what my parts feel. I just don’t know what to do. I do plan on doing something soon. I thought that would make him happy but it’s not. I think he is sad because he hasn’t been able to write dire things lately. I haven’t been able to let him “out” so to speak. I just haven’t been feeling that level of depression since I upped the trileptal or at least starting taking the full dose of it. I had to take it because I kept becoming hypomanic and the crashes were terrible. I could lower the dose again. Only problem is that I really don’t want the psychache to return.

I can’t live with both physical pain and psychological pain. Having both just makes me suicidal. I think that is what Hyde wants. He feeds off it. It is what fuels his writing. Sadly, it also fuels mine as well. Since being on the “right” dose of trileptal, I haven’t been able to write painful stuff. Actually, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. I just don’t feel it. Writers have said that if you wait to feel it, you will never write. Well, that is my muse. High emotional stuff gives me things worth writing about.

I seem to write good blogs. My readership has gone up the last few weeks. I even have a consistent reader from Guam that is reading (hi!). I should feel proud of myself for be successful but I don’t feel anything. I feel like I should write more but sometimes I feel what I am writing is boring and mundane. My blog used to be about being suicidal. Now I don’t know what it’s about. My daily life and the struggle I have with chronic pain, either physical or psychological or both.

Speaking of chronic pain, last night Bill Maher made a comment that those that use opioids are “junkies” because of the stupid commercial they had during the Super Bowl about a medication for constipation. The asshole didn’t realized what the presence of the chronic pain community he pissed off, including myself. I didn’t participate in the hashing but I did call him a dick. That was all I could think of to say.

I just get frustrated every day because I feel like I write the same things only it’s a different day. I write because it makes me feel better. It’s like an itch that I have to scratch. If I don’t write everyday, I feel like I am missing something. There are some days when it’s hard to write more than 300 words and then there are days like today where I can write 600 or more. I keep track of my word counts because I am a number nerd, just like I keep track of my blog stats. It gives me something to focus on during the day.

Getting back to Hyde, I just don’t know what to do about him. I guess I should just try and let him out more if I am able. It’s just that there has to be circumstances to let him out and I am not always under those circumstances. He is a difficult part. And it hurts me knowing he is too.

Random 655

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got off the phone with my sister earlier today. She said that my mother ordered a fridge that was 67 inches. Our current fridge is 65. I don’t think it’s going to fit. And I am not going to be moving stuff out of the freezer tomorrow because I will be too exhausted to go to my father’s appointment. It’s supposed to snow again tomorrow and on and off most of the week. Just great. I hope my ankle doesn’t flare up.

I have been eating since I got up. I think I am ready to bust because I had two bowls of my brother-in-law’s chili. It was that good. I had two turkey bacon sandwiches for lunch and then the chili. I think that will be all today.

Last night, a song that has meaning for a friend of mine came on my MP3 player. I had to email her to tell her that I was thinking about her. I didn’t write more than I was thinking of her. She wrote back saying there was a lot going on in her life but she still thought about me. I really wanted to tell her that she was no longer my contact person for emergencies anymore. She just isn’t reliable when I am having a hard time. I found someone else.

I was expecting to feel something today but it’s just another day. I don’t feel any different. My pain levels are minimal today, though I did a lot of stair walking. I had to babysit so I had to go from my apartment to the first floor. Then my niece needed the wifi password so that was another trip up and down stairs. I was going to go out today but I don’t think I will. I am too full and I am getting sleepy. I know it’s nice today but I just can’t muster the energy to get dressed. I wish I could go out in my PJs. I still need to shower, which I plan to do sometime tonight. I won’t be watching the SuperBowl. I just am not interested in it.

Ankle just started hurting so I think I will take my nap now. I need to lie down.

Saturday Blog 42

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 42

I have been listening to all my songs rather than a particular artist the past two days. I have heard music I have forgotten about, music that has lifted my spirits, and music that makes me think of better times. Yesterday, I was thinking of changing the selection to just Bon Jovi as I wanted to listen to their music but every other song was a BJ song so I just left it. The fun part of listening to this selection of songs is that I don’t know what song will be next. It could be a BJ song, Garth Brooks, Reba, Taylor, or Bruce Springsteen. My tastes vary and I like listening to old stuff and new, though I don’t really have new rock stuff. I have the latest Pearl Jam and Linkin Park albums, but that is all.

I realized five years ago today my Godfather passed away. I didn’t have this blog then although I did have a blog. I think it was on blogspot but I don’t really remember. It only had about 10 blogs on it. I had to stop it because I had a person that was annoying me following it. Then they found my new blog (this one) and it was really creepy.

I miss my Godfather. I think about him often. We were somewhat close. I didn’t call him every day because he had Alzheimer’s and I would have to explain who I was every time I called. He always asked the same questions when we talked. What I would give to talk to him just one more time, for him to ask me those questions. He left his wife of only 3-4 years. I still keep in touch with her because she was an important part of his life. They were together more than twenty years but he wasn’t the marrying type. I think they got married only because his health was declining and he had no one to make decisions for him. His brother had died some years ago and he never had any children. He was a good man, funny, kind. I miss his laugh and the way his face would light up when he did.

I remember at the wake, my cousins got around and were laughing at something. I went over to investigate and they told me that now that Leo has passed, that would make my father the patriarch of the family. It was a joke, and what a joke that was. My father is not someone who would lead. He would be the first one out of a burning building, to hell with everyone else.

I wanted to take a shower today but it never happened. I took a nap around 1700 and woke up around 2130. Now I don’t think I will sleep for another couple of hours. I took my night meds. I am hoping it will knock me out in an hour or two but I doubt it. I just don’t feel sleepy. I hope I am not up all night. That will suck.

I started reading a writing book called “Writing Tools”. It’s not a very in-depth book but it does make me think about my writing. The chapter are short, the most four pages long. One chapter I think was only two pages. The author doesn’t call it chapters. He calls them “tools”. It is an interesting book and I am learning a lot. He recommended another writing book, which I am thinking about getting. It’s expensive, like $70 but I think it will be worth it because it has a good section on punctuation. I really would like a book to learn about this. Sure I use periods and commas, but I hardly ever use the colon or semi-colon because I don’t know how to. It’s a craft and I am interested in it.

I have been trying to read the 6th book of Harry Potter, again, but it’s difficult because I always dissociate while reading. It’s like the book transports me to England and I am there for hours when in reality, I have only been there for a half hour or so. I always feel disoriented when I stop reading. It’s an uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it. I just read it chapter by chapter or as long as my attention span permits me to read. Sometimes a long chapter will have to be split up because I just can’t read it in one sitting. Then I feel bad when it’s only a half hour has passed. I used to be able to read these books like I breathe air. I don’t know why things have changed. My therapist has no understanding of why this happens. I haven’t talked about it with my psychiatrist. I thought this was just a one time thing with these books, but it’s been happening every time I read a chapter. I am fine with other books but Harry has something over me and I don’t know what it is.