Tag: bipolar disorder

Happy New Year 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year to my blog readers. I don’t feel particularly happy. Damn depression is just awful. Taylor Swift came out with a new video and I wanted to share it because I think it’s one of her best videos yet.

Someone read a blog that I wrote about stigma and ice cream. I think I am going to include it in my book even though it’s less than 500 words. There’s an important message in the blog and I think it will be cool to write it in my book. That is one page down. Another 148 to go.

I wanted to be asleep by midnight but that didn’t happen. I was catching the scores of the Bama game. They killed the Spartans 38-0 and will advance to the National Championship game. I was hoping OSU would be playing that game but it wasn’t in the cards. OSU will be playing today at 1300. I can’t wait to watch the game. I have been looking forward to this game for a month now.
I had a cup of chamomile tea to try and ease my worries that I have about a relationship that I need to end. It’s not really a relationship, just a friendship that I don’t feel comfortable with any more. I wish my therapist were here so that I could talk to her about it. I also have been listening to Mary Chapin as she soothes me. Her voice is so calming.

I have been feeling really shitty still. My leg isn’t any better going down stairs and I am very worried about what they will find on the MRI. I am also worried about who will take care of me now that my PCP is gone. I am fearful that I just will be pushed aside or not taken seriously. I have to make an appointment with the new doc so that at least we know each other. I will have to do that on Monday. I am just afraid that I will have to wait a long time to see her. I just had a physical with my old PCP so I can’t even see her for that. I don’t know what I will see her for. Maybe I will just say a hi visit so she can know me? If I want her to fill in some paperwork that I will be needing, she has to know me. I really am mad at my old PCP for leaving.

I know it’s late but I feel like having a cheeseburger. I didn’t have dinner, well I did. I had a bowl of cereal. But that was hours ago. It’s almost 0100. I should be sleeping instead of having a burger. I got to learn self-control. I am really surprised my night meds haven’t knocked me out. I really hate that I am still awake because I know that I won’t fall asleep until after 0200. Think I will read Far From The Tree. I was hoping to finish that book by the end of the week but the damn depression ruined those plans for me. I hate when the depression affects my ability to read.

Hope all of you had a safe and Happy new year.

shitty mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I am still in a shitty mood. It’s not as cold today so I ventured out to my father’s. It went okay. I did what I had to do and then I left. I was the mailman today as both my father and mother gave me stuff to mail. I also had an item to put in the mailbox. I just hope that my therapist gets it by next week. I came home and made a steak. I also had some cookies my mother made. Now I am probably not going to eat anything for the rest of the day. I wish my mother didn’t make the cookies. They are my favorite kind, chocolate chip.

I took a shower today. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I just couldn’t get enough energy to go. I will try and go Saturday. I need to go to UPS that day to drop off my package. It’s in the Square so I can get my Starbucks afterwards. I wanted to go today but it would be too much. I am already pooped from going out to my father’s. One outing is all I can tolerate.

It’s not cold out but my room is freezing. My feet are so damn cold. I just put socks on and I might put on my long sleeved shirt. I am debating on watching a movie rather than go to my sister’s party tonight. I just am not up to seeing people and interacting. I really just want to go to sleep. I am so wiped out. I had the longest bus ride home because there was traffic and then a person in a wheelchair came on board. That took another fifteen minutes to get him on and situated.

At midnight, or thereabouts, if I am still up, I will post my year in review. I had a good year, blog wise anyway. I really had a year filled with depression and suicidality. I was also hypomanic for a little while. My only highlight was the New York Times article that got published. I will never forget those feelings. And I have the emails to remind me.

I still need to work on my book. That will come in time. I just hope that my therapist and psychiatrist lay off asking me about my writing enough that I can actually write. I have to put some more time into developing my ideas.

venting ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle has been bothering me all fucking day. Seems every time I am close to getting to sleep, it flares up angrily, like I wanted to use it or something. Or maybe it’s mad that I am resting it. I don’t know. It just hurts and I don’t know why. I never know why. Three years and no one has been able to tell me why. They think it’s this, that, but it doesn’t change the treatment or course. I think it is a little bit of complex regional pain syndrome. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome as I do have pain and swelling. I can’t walk as far as I used to because of pain. It just sucks.

I need to go out tomorrow to my father’s. His weekly visit. I wish I could stop doing this every week but out of obligation, I do it.

In addition to this lovely irritable mood that I have been in, I think I am getting my menses. Just what I fucking need to start off the New Year. It makes me depressed and pissed off. I guess that is why I gained so much weight. It’s probably all from feeling bloated. I hate being in this body so fucking much. Another year to remind me I am in the wrong body. It totally messes with my head and how I feel.

I wish I could just spontaneously combust so I wouldn’t have to think about killing myself. Of course, planning your death isn’t the same as going through with it. I plan and plan yet I am still fucking here. A 22 year-old died the other day while swimming. Just like that he was gone. Why couldn’t that happen to me? Why must I fucking live this life I so don’t want to live? I wish I didn’t have the SSD review hanging over my head. I just don’t know if I am disabled “enough” to meet their requirements. I still don’t know if I got it based on my physical and/or mental disability. I wish I knew so I could fill in the right doctors for their consents and stuff. I just hate waiting. And I also worry that I will have to see their doctor. That will fucking suck. And I am in so much pain more at night than during the day. The depression is year round so I don’t have to worry about that. I just worry that I will be denied and then I will be screwed financially.

I wish my therapist were here. I so need to talk to her. I have been texting her but I never get a response. Of course, she is out of office so why would she respond? Nothing I have been texting her needs a response anyways. I think this is the first time that I haven’t thought about leaving her. Usually, I always plan my escape when she is on vacation. It’s my way of getting away from her permanently. But she never usually allows a cancellation. And if I do need to cancel, she wants to make up that time.

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a month. She had her hip replaced the beginning of December. I am scheduled to see her next Friday. It will be good to see her again. I miss her, too. We have been emailing each other. She does respond and she tells me she is doing well. It’s kind of sad that when I see her next, I will be the one with the cane. I still can’t trust my leg. I don’t know how much of it is mental at this point. I just know there is a security there and I need that. Plus, my leg doesn’t hurt as much if I have that extra support. Wish I could say the same for my ankle.

I read a horribly written blog yesterday. It was by one of my BPD chat friends. There were a ton of run on sentences. And the grammar was just horrible. I want to say something but I don’t want to offend her. I am not close to her so I am not sure she will accept criticism well.

I cannot believe that I have done nothing but lie in bed all day and my ankle is screaming at me. I so want to tell it off, like what the hell are you hurting for when I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I didn’t overuse it. I didn’t go up and down stairs a million times. What the fuck gives??

Because I was a lazy bastard, I have to return a calendar I bought from Amazon. It was way bigger than I thought it would be. I should have known that a 12×17 wouldn’t fit on my wall. It would but I would have to move it over and put another nail in the wall. Too much effort for a lazy person when I don’t need that big of a calendar to begin with. I am an idiot. I was too lazy to get up to see the SKU for the calendar I do have. Now I have to go to Harvard to go to my favorite stationary store to get the calendar I need, which is what I should have done to begin with. I thought Amazon would get me what I needed and now it didn’t. I am a lazy bastard.

too tired to care

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

It’s another cold fricken day. The temp was supposed to warm up but it’s barely 30 degrees out. I was going to go out today but I am feeling really tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night and my stupid phone kept on going off with messages and alerts. I should have shut the ringer off.

I just feel really blah and don’t want to do anything. My tolerance today is zero. I am just in a grumpy mood and I can’t shake it. I’m trying to increase my fluids today, to see if that helps my bladder situation. But all I want to do is sleep. I just can’t deal with it. I really want pizza but I don’t want a whole one. Just a couple of slices. That would mean having to walk to the pizza place and I am not up for it.

I am feeling really depressed. I don’t want to talk with anyone, much less my family members. I am just so tired and wiped out. I know part of it is the stress of the upcoming MRI and knowing the results of it. It’s all I have been thinking about. I keep thinking that the surgeon is going to tell me that I have CES again and I just am not going to be able to cope with it. My worse fear is that I will have to have a fusion. Then I was talking to my bipolar cousin and he is like “don’t let them cut you open again”. Thanks, just what I wanted to hear. Like my four surgeries have been voluntary. They haven’t, they have been under emergency circumstances. I just can’t deal with ignorant people.

I’m going back to bed. I can’t stand being awake anymore. I am too tired.