Tag: bipolar disorder

Dead Poet’s Society

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dead Poet’s Society

I watched Dead Poet’s Society for the first time. I cried at the end. It was the second movie with Robin Williams that I have seen since his death. I thought there would be a hanging not a shooting death but I knew there was a suicide in it. The aftermath can be so scary. I miss Robin Williams very much. I have loved every character that he played. It’s so hard watching him perform knowing that he is dead.

My mother made pizza for supper. She also wanted me to do a “few chores” before we ate. I was too busy watching the movie and unlike my TiVo, I couldn’t pause it. It was very frustrating. So I snuck a few slices in between the low points of the movie. That tided me over until the end. I had to keep my face hidden because I couldn’t allow my mother to see that I had been crying. She would have thought something more was going on. Then when I was trying to remember to find my glasses, I had a smile on my face so she said something about that. There is no in between with her. It drives me crazy. You just have to be miserable like her, I guess.

I wanted to read a chapter or two of the Outsiders but I am feeling low and not really in a reading mood. I don’t know why, but every time I watch a television show or movie I feel tired afterwards. I am sure crying didn’t help. That always exhausts me.

I partially watched a pitiful football game. The Patriots were supposed to be playing but I don’t know who showed up in their uniforms. They were just awful. I thought they were going to comeback in the final quarter but no one showed up. It was just terrible.

My thigh pain has returned. I was limping most of the day. Sitting watching the movie didn’t help it. I haven’t taken anything for it, yet. I am afraid that if I do, I will fall asleep. I really don’t want to wake up again around 0330. That’s an awful time to wake up. I know that is probably why I am so tired, because I didn’t sleep well. I am thinking of going out tomorrow but I have a lot of phone calls to make. I got to find out if I am still enrolled in my insurance as I didn’t receive a confirmation of benefits like I usually do. I’m kind of anxious to make the call because I hate making calls. I am always afraid I am going to be rejected or be spoken to in a mean manner. I think I still have benefits because I think I would have received paperwork for COBRA if it lapsed. I just don’t know if my premium went up or not.

I made no effort today to clear my bed off. Between the movie and football game, I really haven’t spent that much time in my room today. I still need to fill my pill box for the week. I really don’t want to go through every pill bottle every night like I did last week. Even then I was just taking what I felt like taking.

Sunday Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog

My day had started at 0330. I woke up thinking about weird things and then having a conversation with them with the voices. I was up for a half hour before my ankle decided it was going to flare up on me. I took some meds and wrote to a friend as I didn’t wish her a happy new year yet. She is a dear friend who also has the same condition as me. We have been friends for at least 11 years now. Strange how that works. She is worried about my upcoming MRI and what will it show, too. I haven’t had anymore thigh pain the last few days. So maybe the herniated disc went back in place and healed on its own. The doc said it could do that. That will be a load off my shoulders if that is the case. It’s one week till I have the test.

I made breakfast. My mother made some bacon and I made some scrambled egg. I was going to have a burrito but I don’t know what I was thinking, I made toast. No burrito today. I am definitely going to have a burger for lunch with mashed potatoes and gravy. I think I will kind of make like a Salisbury steak. The burger tastes like it as it has onions and stuff in it. It’s made my by Ball Park. I love their hotdogs and now I love their burgers.

I didn’t make coffee today. I am still sort of sick so I made a cup of tea, black caffeinated. I will need at least three cups to equal one cup of coffee but it’s something to keep me away. I hope I don’t nap again. I keep thinking today is Monday. The holiday on Friday just messed me up. I have to shower sometime today. That is one of my goals for the day. I also need to start taking stuff off my bed so I can change the sheets. I also need to fix the bibliography that I have for the folder that I have of research articles on suicide. I have 4 more to add. I haven’t decided if I am going to just tack them on or rearrange the whole folder. Might be easier just to tack them on than rearrange everything. Damn. I just thought that I should have bought another magazine holder for my journals while I was in Harvard yesterday. I need another one for this year’s journals. I don’t know where I would but them but at least they would all be together. I also have to think about whether or not to be a member for AAS for another year. Only reason I am a member is to get the journal articles so I can keep abreast of the latest research.

For the first time in a year, my book sales for the month of December were zero for both paperback and kindle. I have stopped promoting the book on Twitter. It took some effort to come up with a sales pitch that would be contained in 140 characters. After a while, I just got bored with it. Some would like it but not buy it. With my depression being so bad during December, I just couldn’t put forth the effort. I’ll try again sometime this year when I am up to it. Self-promoting is very difficult.

Saturday Blog 40

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was going to order pizza but now I don’t have to because my mother is making it. She makes good pizza, though I love the dough more than the sauce and cheese. I got a calendar but it isn’t the one I wanted. They were out of them. I thought about ordering it on Amazon but I didn’t want to spend another $35 just for free shipping. I got a calendar at the Coop for $7 and I will make it work. Right now it’s too long and needs to be moved over so I can have access to my light switch. I really didn’t want to put another hole in the wall but seems I have no choice. While I was at the Coop, I saw a nice leather pouch with the Harvard logo on it. I so wanted to get it. I also wanted to get a knitted hat but refrained. I kept my hands in my pocket and just kept walking.

I got my Starbucks soy latte. Today was not the day for specialty drinks. I have been having the gags most of the day. They will come on suddenly and without reason so I think I am getting a migraine. My head doesn’t hurt yet, but I am sure it will later this evening.

I plan on watching a movie tonight. Last night I watched the Goonies. Ridiculous movie if I ever saw one. I really don’t get the appeal of the movie. I will watch Pretty Woman tonight. I love Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. It’s one of my favorite movies.

I almost didn’t go into Harvard today. I saw the bus home and almost decided to take it and go home with just my latte. But I pushed through the tiredness and trudged on. I went to my favorite stationary store and realized I forgot the pen I needed a refill on. So I bought some more V-Ball pens and another notebook. They didn’t have my calendar I wanted. They had every other calendar but the one I was looking for. A lot of pretty ones, too. But they were too big for the space that I needed it. Doesn’t matter now as I need to move up the nail and make another hole in the wall.

All I had to eat today was a pop tart. I couldn’t finish the second one. I have no appetite today. I am trying to drink more fluids so on the way home I bought some mineral water and a coke. I know I will drink the water. I can’t drink that much soda like I used to. I usually have a few sips a day until it’s gone. I plan on making a cup of tea when I am done with this blog. I need something warm to drink. I still am sick. I still have pain in my ankle as well. It didn’t help that while putting on my PJs my ankle turned. Luckily, I was standing by my bed or I think I would have fallen.

I entered a reading challenge this year through the website GoodReads. I finally finished the book Far From the Tree but for some reason it didn’t register in my challenge. Maybe it takes a day or so to do it. One of my friends suggested that I read “Game of Thrones”. I told her I already tried and failed to read it. I am just glad I didn’t buy the book set. It was just a weird book. I am going to try and read “Explorations in Personality” by Murray. I started it a few weeks ago. It is very dry reading but interesting. I keep calling the biases of the experiment but back then, you didn’t have diverse populations. It was mostly white people and middle class. The study that I am reading is about white undergraduates. Harvard wasn’t that diverse in the thirties. Book reminds me of the book George Apley. I never finished that book either because it was wicked dry reading and kind of boring. I hope to read Murray’s book as a tribute to Shneidman. That is my goal for 2016.

Still Shitty, but a different kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still shitty, but a different kind

I must have sneezed a thousand times today. It’s official, I have a stupid cold to start off the new year. I don’t know how it happened as I have been really careful, washing my hands after going out and stuff. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a chest cold because I hate that more than sneezing my head off and not being able to breathe through my nose. I feel weak at times. I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluid but I will be making a cup of tea shortly. I like drinking hot tea when I am sick. I usually just drink chamomile and honey.

For the past hour, I have been experiencing spasms in my foot. It’s causing my foot to jerk upward and it is very painful. Then I got zaps in my toes that made me jump and swear. Ativan and pain meds seem to be helping. My ankle is really hurting from the spasms as all the muscles in that area tightened up on me. I hate when that happens. It’s always my left, never my right. But then, all the nerve damage has been in my left leg.

I woke up early despite going to bed late. I was going to make breakfast but I think the thought of cooking made me sleepy so I went back to sleep. I woke up from my nap after having a strange dream. I was in my old house that I grew up in and my father was giving me a travel kit of toothbrushes and toothpaste. It was weird as it had the Starbucks logo on the little cup they provided. In the dream, I wanted chocolate or was eating chocolate, I couldn’t tell. It was just a strange dream.

I watched the OSU game today. They beat Notre Dame. It was a blow out in the first half and then they really beat them in the second half. I was sorely disappointed that the main defender Bosa got ejected for targeting. It was a dumb thing to do especially in the first quarter. He apologized afterwards. Zeke scored 4 TDs and his last one he gave the Bosa shrug. It was awesome.

I feel pretty shitty physically. The spasms wore me out and this cold is kicking my butt. Mentally, I am still feeling out of sorts. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things but I just ignore them. They want me to take a bottle of pills but I am not going to do it. I guess that is my fault they are active because I didn’t take my meds for two days. Last night they wanted me to take all my meds; I did, just one of each or two depending on what pills they were. Resisting their insistence is very tiring. I hope they go away soon. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because of them. I know they have surfaced because of the stress I have been under with the MRI and because my therapist and pdoc have been on vacation. They will be back in the office next week so I just have to hold on till Monday. I will tell my therapist about the voices but I am hesitant to tell my pdoc because I am afraid she will put me in the hospital. It’s always a slippery slope with her. I sometimes feel like I can tell her anything and everything and then there are things that I feel I should keep from her, to protect her. Or maybe to protect myself. I don’t know. I have known this doc most of my life and yet she still scares me sometimes. I guess I don’t want to worry her with my stuff.

My therapist is different. I can tell her anything and all it will do is increase her anxiety so we don’t talk about anything else. Then she will talk psychobabble about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I don’t get to talk much when she is like this. She has her own ideas of how things are even if they aren’t that way. I just laugh, especially when she tells me to increase my medicine or to take a PRN. I won’t do it unless my pdoc says I should, which would mean having to tell her that I am hearing commanding voices. Being sick isn’t helping the voices because I am more vulnerable. I should just take Nyquil and be done with it. I will be knocked out. I wish the makers of Nyquil could just market doxylamine without the alcohol and Tylenol content. It’s a nice antihistamine that is very sedating on its own.

Other than football, I did do some reading. I am up to the chapter of Rape in Far From The Tree. It’s not about child rape but about women who had a child because of rape. I am still not looking forward to this chapter and might skip it. I never skip a chapter in a book so this will be the first time I ever did so. I just don’t want to be triggered or have images in my head of women getting raped. That is not why I bought the book.

Weatherman just tweeted the forecast for the week. Seems like tomorrow might be a better day for me to go out than Monday. Monday is supposed to be really cold. I guess if I am up to it, I could go to the Square and then go to Harvard to get my calendar. We’ll have to see how my ankle feels because right now it’s in a lot of pain and I am sure the spasms are going to cause some soreness.