Tag: bipolar disorder

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.

Random 167

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up early today around 0530. I didn’t stay up too long as I only got 5.5 hours of sleep. I had to use the bathroom and then I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I checked messages on my phone before finally passing out again. I couldn’t believe that I only slept 5.5 hours with all the medication that I took, including Nyquil.

My therapist is back and we talked. Mostly we got caught up in things. She got my letters that I sent her so she has something to read. I told her the 26th might be a day that I see her. She starred it on her calendar. She is too funny. I didn’t ask her a question that I wanted to. It slipped my mind as we were talking about so many things. I will try and ask her tomorrow.

My father called today and wanted me to come over the house to do his meds because he was going to spend a few days with his girlfriend. I get there and the plans have changed. He wasn’t going. I filled the boxes just the same. I hope that by doing so I don’t make Tuesday a regular day to go over there. Tues and Wed are my days to go to Starbucks and have “me” time. I don’t want to give that up. It will just mess up my routine.

Because of the detour of my father’s impatience, I again didn’t shower today. I was planning on doing it in the afternoon, after therapy, as I wasn’t planning on going out. I thought it would be too cold out as the temp was in the teens. I was fooled or maybe because I had a heavy winter jacket. There was no wind so that helped. I had coffee at home, which was good. I am glad I made it because it made reading my book easier. I really wanted to finish the book today but now I am tired and I don’t think I will be able to get back to it. My father always stresses me out when I go over there. I should have brought my cane but he would just laugh at me so I didn’t. I am regretting that decision as my thigh is burning. I can’t wait till I get the MRI next week.

I’m back to paying for my medications. I had a feeling with the start of the new year copays would come back. Only thing that sucks is that the generic medications went up to $20 for a 30-day supply. I am going to see if my doc can give me a 90 day supply as the cost is the same. My doc isn’t going to be happy with this because she hates the new system. I just refuse to pay extra money when I can get more. Why pay $60 for 90 days retail when I can pay $20 for mail order. I am going to drive my doc nuts.

I just had a bowel accident so was forced to shower. I feel like a dumdum because I trusted a fart. I was doing so well too with going to the bathroom even though what I thought to be a fart turned out to be crap. My streak of no accidents has ended. I just feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. I am just glad my mother isn’t home. She went downstairs to my sister’s. Great new year I am having. Just hate this bullshit.

Venting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Venting

I vented to FB about a blogger that was bugging me. I had to get it off my chest because it really was bothering me. I got no responses to the vent but I wasn’t looking for one.

As mentioned previously, I am reading the book “The Outsiders”. I am remembering the movie as I am reading it, even though it has been more than 20 years since I saw the movie and read the book last. I am at the part where Johnny will soon kill someone and I am hesitant to read it. It’s not a pleasant scene.

It’s official, I have a cold of some sort though I don’t feel really sick from it. I just have a miserable nose and the congestion is causing my upper teeth to hurt really bad. I have been using Afrin to unclog my nostrils but the effect is temporary at best. Then I start sneezing and I am wondering how much of the stuff I am sneezing out. All discharge is clear so I don’t have an infection. I am still taking D and drinking tea with honey. I am finally hydrated as my pee is a normal clear yellow rather than a dark orange color. I hate being sick. My lips are cracked so bad that I can’t put any moisturizers on it because it hurts and I have a bloody lip. I am really terrified that a sneeze is going to knock my back out. That is not going to be good when I get the MRI next week.

I had to refill a few prescriptions and this time it’s costing me money. I guess my free copay expired at the beginning of the year. I got to find out why one of my generic medicines is fricken $20 and the other is less than ten. I hope it’s an error. I knew I would have to pay so I have been careful with my money since my birthday. I also have my mother’s birthday coming up so I plan on getting her a sub. She loves getting an Italian sub from one of her childhood hangouts. It’s the best that I can do for her as I need to watch what I spend before the end of the month.

I feel really nervous about talking with my therapist tomorrow. Normally, I am hoping for another week off but this time, I am looking forward to our time. I need to find out about something she wrote in my birthday card to me. It’s bugging me really bad and I hope it’s not true to the extent that I think it is. I don’t plan on seeing her until the end of the month when I get paid again.

I made my phone calls today. I was on hold for a good many minutes as I knew I would be. I also reserved the Zipcar so I would have it. I have to check and make sure I have the right garage/place so I can take it. I think it is, but it’s hard to know when I don’t know the name of the garage. I requested just three hours because it shouldn’t take that long and it gives me time to get gas should I need it. Sometimes the person before me doesn’t fill up and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving a vehicle with less than a half tank of gas.

I knew I was going to be up late. I hope to be sleeping by midnight. I need to have rest but with all the tea I drank, I have to use the bathroom. Plus I drank caffeinated tea so I am kind of wired from that. I just took some pain meds because my thigh is acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees so I am hurting. I knew I was going to be anyway from all the walking but I wasn’t expecting the temp to be in the teens. I am glad I had my mother turn up the heat as it’s nice and warm in my room. I don’t have to be putting on layers of clothes to stay warm, which doesn’t help when you have a stupid cold.

I filled my pill box. I am thinking one of these days I should rearrange where the pill bottles are so it’s easier for me to go through them. I have them spaced out all over my bureau. I should just have them in a box so I know that is what I need. Job gets done but I feel like I am playing don’t knock down dominoes because I have so many pill bottles. I honestly don’t know how I got to be on so many meds. It’s crazy that I take so many pills. I know most people with chronic conditions like me do take a lot of pills, maybe even more than I do. It just sucks because I remember the days when I was just taking two or three pills a day and now I am on four times that amount. And I take meds twice a day now where before I just took them once. I know I have to be on them if I want to survive but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary. Like being on two BP meds. Maybe a higher dose of one med would be sufficient to keep my blood pressure in check. I know losing weight will be the easier answer but I don’t see that happening. The meds I take make me hungry. I eat late at night because for some reason, after I take my meds, I feel like I am starving. And I can’t sleep on an empty stomach. If I do, I usually dream about food and wake up hungrier than I did before I went to sleep. Then the docs wonder why I can’t lose weight. They think it’s easy to control your eating but when you have meds that make you hungry, it’s kind of a losing battle.

A story is percolating around my brain. I am hoping it comes out soon. I think I am ready to write about my childhood fantasy as my mental illness short story piece. I just hope that when I do, I don’t fall back into the delusional thinking and lose track of where I am and what year I am in. I want to discuss this with my therapist first as I will need her support around this or I will become dangerously psychotic.

I never showered today. I got too congested and didn’t feel like it. I seriously need to shave and that is part of what is holding me back. It just takes so much time and it is exhausting. Then you need to shower to rinse off the hair and stuff. It always takes so much out of me when I do it. It also sucks when you are sick because you just want to get in and out. But I have neglected shaving for some time now and it’s causing me to itch and I hate it.

A Flurry of a Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Flurry of a Day

My middle sister called me at 0630 to do her a favor. I was to take my niece somewhere as she was not feeling good. I had about three hours of sleep. We had to be at the place by 0800 so needed to leave soon. She gave us money for a cab and off we went, only to find an hour later we didn’t have to be there at all. I was annoyed and so was my niece. My niece went off to school and I figure I would go to Harvard to get my beanie hat and did. It was fricken so cold this morning and it didn’t warm up. When I got to the bus station to head home, there were snow flurries flying around. I decided then, my day is done and I am going to stay home.

I still need to make a few phone calls today but I think after the lunch time hours, I will just make one. It will be to my father’s doctor to make an appointment for him so his medications aren’t being held hostage.

While making a cup of tea just now, I noticed a different tea bag in the box. Bigelow left a trial bag of American Breakfast Tea. I tried it rather than my regular English Breakfast. It is about the same with a little more flavor than the English tea. It is also a little stronger, but I might have steeped it a little longer than I usually do. I like it, but then I am a fan of black teas anyways.

Not sure if I mentioned it in a previous blog, but I entered a reading challenge through a book website. My goal is to read 20 books this year. One of the books that I marked as read counted toward my goal. The other did not. I might have to figure out why or just let it be. I just realized that I don’t really have 20 books that I can read. I will have to buy some more I guess. I still have the Dostoevsky collection. I think there are at least 10 books in there. It will be a pleasure to read them all. Dostoevsky is not an easy read like S.E. Hinton. But we’ll see how far I get. I got at least four books on my to do list before I can read the Brothers Karamazov. That is going to be the most challenging to read.

Man, my pizza place is losing my business because I keep putting off getting pizza or a sub from them. I am actually craving their pizza or a nice steak and cheese sub from them. Their steak and cheese calzone is pretty good, too. I was good though, I had the left over pizza my mother made last night. She would have killed me if I bought pizza instead of eating hers.

I have gone back to listening to Eric Church. I just love this album so much that even though I was mixing it up with other artists, I just wanted Church’s songs. I think this is the longest I have gone listening to one piece of music for so long. I feel like I am neglecting the other music that I bought as I really haven’t listened to it. But these songs by Church just speak to me more than any other artist does.

My mood has been relatively good today despite being woken up before dawn. I didn’t get to do what I wanted to today. I haven’t showered but I did brush my teeth. I was going to take a shower when I came home but the house was too cold. And I wanted to warm up some. I might take a shower before bed. I also need to fill my pill box. Because I was out and about so early, I had to skip my morning BP meds.

I didn’t leave the house with my cane, which now turned out to be a big mistake. My thigh pain has returned. I did a lot of walking this morning and my thigh just didn’t like it. My ankle hasn’t flared up yet but I know it will later tonight. I really am not going to do much else today except read and maybe write in my journal. Or maybe even blog this evening. These activities should keep me off my feet!