Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 678

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.

I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.

One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.

Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.

I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.

I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.

I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.

I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.

All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.

Shneidman’s Psychache Theory

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide, writing

“From the view of psychological factors in suicide, the key element in every case is psychological pain; psychache. All affective states (such as rage, hostility, depression, shame, guilt, affectiveness, hopelessness, etc.) are relevant to suicide only as they relate to unbearable psychological pain. If, for example, feeling guilty or depressed or having a bad conscience or an overwhelming unconscious rage makes one suicidal, it does so because it is painful. No psychache, no suicide”. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache p56

 

Psychache is the unbearable guilt, despair, hopelessness, shame, pain, depression, and press one feels when thinking about suicide. It is the corner stone of what this paper is about. The pain of the mind can cause constriction, a narrowing of view of things. It can also lead to perturbation (an unrest that causes one to feel like doing something to alleviate the uneasiness one feels) and also to press, which is also known as stress or the pressure and weight one feels under. The combination of these three things, press, perturbation, and psychache is what is known as the cubic model of suicide.

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The cubic model of suicide is a 1-5 rating of the three things I just mentioned. The higher the rating, the higher the likelihood of suicide. The worst rating is a 5-5-5 scenario and suicide will be imminent. It is important to rate these items when dealing with a suicidal person. It will validate what they are feeling and make them feel at ease in talking about what is causing them to feel so pressured and hurt to make them think of killing themselves.

When dealing with constriction, the dichotomous thinking that a) suicide is the only way out or b) things are always going to stay the same, it is important to always bring in more options to the person so they can see things differently. In his book Suicide as Psychache, Shneidman gives the example of a young pregnant woman who was thinking of killing herself with a handgun. She couldn’t have the baby so therefore in her mind, suicide was the only way out. After discussing several options with her (calling her parents, having the baby and giving it up for adoption, discussing the situation with the baby’s father, etc.), it was agreed that the woman would call the baby’s father. Suicide was no longer the number one item on the list. To prevent a mishap, Shneidman did take the gun away from the woman. An excellent example about means restriction.

In almost every suicidal thinking, there is some measure of lethality and perturbation. You can have high lethality and high perturbation, but you don’t always have high perturbation with high lethality. Perturbation, as described above, is very much like anxiety. It is a perturbed feeling that causes one to feel pressured to do something. Lethality is the doing something.

Also in every case of suicidal thinking is the frustrated needs that bring about the suicidal feelings.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

These twenty needs are what Shneidman has called the essential ones when people are suicidal. Most of them are not all twenty but five or six as it pertains to the individual. “The prevention of suicide with a highly lethal person is then primarily a matter of addressing and partially alleviating those frustrated psychological needs that are driving that person to suicide. The rule is simple. Mollify the psychache”. (p53) Shneidman believed that these frustrated needs are what caused psychache.

I believe there should be another need, validation. Everyone needs to be validated in order to feel secure and feel okay. Without this, most people feel shamed and dumb, that what they are feeling or experiencing has no meaning or purpose. They may also feel empty and alone as no one understands what they are going through. This need when frustrated or thwarted can lead to suicide.

Shneidman, Edwin. Suicide as Psychache. 1993. Jason Aronson, Inc.

Recovery…what does it mean?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Recovery…what does it mean?

I keep hearing people talk about recovery and I am at a loss. Can someone enlighten me on what the hell it is? And what exactly are you recovering from?

I hear from suicide attempt survivors all the time this word. Do people who think about suicide really recover after they attempt? Because I keep wanting to try again and again. I haven’t made an attempt in years but I think about suicide constantly. Or is recovery just something that happens after you learn different coping mechanisms?

The reason I do a lot of suicide research is because I want to find something to help me. If I never looked for it, I wouldn’t have found CAMS and the SSF so useful. I have also found other assessment tools but nothing else worked. Traditional therapy didn’t work for me. I had to find a therapist that treated me as an equal and collaborate with me on what works and what doesn’t. It’s still an ongoing process as my suicidality gets worse during certain times of the year than others.

I don’t think I will ever recover from my mental illness. I think it will wax and wane, just like my suicidality, but it will never get better. I might find symptom relief through medication but even with medication, my depressions get the better of me. They are too severe and too frequent to really get relief from them. Medication has been proven useless with treating them. I am just left to suffer through them until they pass.

Then I have the physical pain that I deal with. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. It just seems to get worse during the temps of New England. My former PCP thought that I can just do something to make me feel better and things would be better. Wishful thinking. As much as I don’t want to be on meds, I know it’s my new way of life. It’s the only way I can survive. Otherwise, I think I would entertain the thoughts of killing myself, and by entertain, I mean attempt.

Rambling 567

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My day started off rough. I kept on waking up every few hours during the night but somehow managed to stay in bed till 10. I woke up at 0500. All I remember is having a bowl of cereal and answering a friend’s email. I think I went back to sleep as I don’t remember what happened after that.

A couple of my blogger friends are having a difficult time right now. I wish there was more I could do to help them other than being there for them. It’s so hard because they are so far away from me.

I made biscuits and heated up some gravy. It was my lunch. I then made my delicious coffee that tastes like milk chocolate. I am so glad I was able to get another bag of this coffee. It’s called Brazil Sertaozhino. This is the second kind of Brazil coffee made from small lots that I like. I have three different kinds of coffee, not counting the bunch my therapist gave me from Hawaii. I still don’t know if it will be good for the French press I have. I have to ask my niece if fine coffee grounds will work with it. The coffee grounds that I use are course grounds, a different grinding process.

I went up and down the stairs a few times and that aggravated my leg. Then my sister called to babysit and I am hurting really bad. Seems going down the stairs hurt more than going up. I couldn’t use my cane as I was carrying my laptop and my coffee down the stairs.

I don’t know how but I got a bunch of shit (lint and other things) in my bed. I don’t understand how this happened as I was wearing slippers the whole time I was in my kitchen and in my room. I was so pissed off. I need to clear my bed off so I can change the sheets. I have been removing one item or two a day. I told myself that I wasn’t going to allow stuff to accumulate on my bed the last time I changed my sheets. HA, I am funny. I might as well as said I was going to win the lottery that day.

I miss my therapist and it’s only been a few days since I last talked to her. She is only gone for a week. I have been writing letters to her. I wasn’t going to because I write these very long letters and she never has time to read them. I try to keep them short and to the point but it never seems to work out. The writing helps to let her know what is going on while she is gone because what I have to say doesn’t fit in a text message.

One of my favorite country artist is coming out with a new album. She used to belong to the duo Sugarland. I miss that duo so much it hurts. And I feel really sad when I hear Lady Antebellum’s music. They broke up a few months ago. Their lead singers, Hillary Scott and Charles Kelley have decided to go solo. Their last recorded song was “I did with you”. It was recommended by YouTube and I just cried when I heard it. I think I was just emotional that day because I haven’t cried since hearing it again and again. It still makes me sad when I hear it because I know I am not going to hear anymore music from this group. Kelley has a few songs out but I refuse to listen to him because it just hurts. I am still not over the breakup.

I want to thank my readers. I just passed the 55,000 views on my blog. I wouldn’t have become successful in the three years since writing this thing without your support. I know most of you don’t always comment or leave feedback but that is okay. I am glad people read my blog every day. It means a lot to me. My top blog is still Knackered, a Short Story about CES. My second is Analysis of a Song: How to save a life. I don’t know what my third one is.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how things were going and also to let her know when my MRI was scheduled. It’s in two weeks but I think I will try and move it up. I can’t stand being in pain that affects my walking. It’s bad enough I can’t walk that far because of my stupid ankle but to have my upper leg also bother me, NO. I don’t think so. I will really gain a lot of weight as all I have been doing lately is eating with little outside walking. I have been trying to limit what I eat but that doesn’t always work out because of my cravings. I blame my psych meds for these cravings, which usually involve carbs. Tonight I plan on having steak but I am still full from eating biscuits so we’ll see. I know my mother won’t touch the steak because she doesn’t like it. More for me! It’s not a huge piece, just perfect for one person. I would love to have it on the grill but I don’t know how to operate it. My sister never showed me and I think the grill has been put away for the winter anyways. I just broil it. It comes out just as good that way, too.

I was going to go to Starbucks today to write my psychache paper but it doesn’t look like I am. I haven’t showered in days. And I refuse to go out unless I shower. So I just haven’t gone out. Plus I am babysitting so I really can’t go out. It’s also very cold out, which explains why my spine has been aching, especially my sacrum (lowest part of the backbone). It’s kind of funny, but if I push on a certain part right before my butt, I will pee. It’s like a pee button. I haven’t told any of my doctors this because I am afraid. I try to avoid touching that area as much as possible. I know my nerves are damaged in that area. Another indication that I am fubar.

I spent at least 15 minutes on the phone with my father’s doctor to get him a refill for one of his medications. I was told that he would only get a month’s supply unless my father sees the doc. What fucking bullshit. So I had to cancel one of my Amazon orders so I can have money for Zipcar to take him to this appointment. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to tell my father when I show up with a car to take him to his doc’s appointment. I hate his doc but I have been unable to find another PCP in Boston that will take him. I have to make phone calls and I hate making them, mostly because I hate being put on hold.

I don’t like that his PCP holds his medications hostage to an appointment with him. These meds are for his heart and liver so I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. These aren’t even scheduled or controlled medications. It just drives me crazy because I am the one that has to put the effort into transportation to and from his appointment as well as stay with him when the doc is often behind. It doesn’t do my PTSD any favors staying two to three hours with my father, let me tell you.