Tag: blog

My Sunday Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

With the help of my psychiatrist, I was able to avoid being in the hospital for a few days. If I didn’t have commitments over the next few days, I would have gone in. She was talking about short term hospitalization (most hospitalizations are) but I couldn’t do it knowing that I had to babysit tomorrow. There would be no one to watch my niece and I would feel bad.

I haven’t eaten anything all day except for some melon. I am hungry but I’m not. I really just want an Ensure and go to bed. I have a splitting headache. Two ladies in front of me were singing and humming and were so damn off key it was pathetic. It rang through my head like nails on a chalkboard. Then there was a teen that was vomiting. I tried not to listen and he was a quiet vomiter so I didn’t get sick. Eight hours after being there, I finally saw the psychiatrist. She really wanted me inpatient and I think she had her heart set on it but I didn’t. I wasn’t in a suicidal state. I just needed an understanding ear, which I got with the doc. I know I could have paged my psychiatrist and talked but I really wanted to be in an environment that wasn’t my room. And believe me it was tempting to say yes but I had to decline. I do have to see my psychiatrist on Wed. I feel really bad now because she said she had a jam packed schedule. I know it’s the depression talking. I really understand her worry for me but I think I am okay now. I spent eight hours in an ER that was for me, though I had memories of being with my father there. In fact, I was across from the bay where my father was where I poked him after he wanted to leave AMA the last time he was there.

The place was busy as is usual for an academic hospital center. I swear more people were piling in as the hours went on than when I first came to the area I was. It was all open so you could hear all the talk. This one had a kidney stone, that one had an infection, some were psych patients waiting to be admitted. I found out one psych patient on Friday had pulled the sprinkler off and flooded the psych ER. That was why they were in a different area and more security was around. I think it was funny as the nurses were describing it but it isn’t really. Now the psych patients are in with the general ER and it can be quite disturbing.

I was glad that I was discharged after seeing the attending psychiatrist. It was quick and I was happy. The nurse gave me a ginger ale as I requested some juice or something as I could feel my own blood sugar plummet. I was starting to get the shakes and I feared I would get a dizzy spell. That would be all I needed was to pass out in the ER after I said I was okay to go home.

Now I got to fill in my pill box for the week. I still have my bag packed in case I go in next week. I think my father might have just a week or so left in him from what I hear from my sister. He really is deteriorating quickly. I feel so bad and sad. But it would really kill me if he died while I am in the hospital. I know that I need to be there to take care of myself but I have to put myself aside for the moment.

Saturday Blog 47

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 47

I have been feeling uneasy all day. I have been contemplating going to the ER for an eval, just for shits and giggles. But seriously, I just want to talk to someone neutral about what is going on and if I truly need to be in the hospital or just continue struggling as an outpatient. I was so torn that I decided to use a crisis hotline text chat to see if they could help. They gave me a support website for groups. I will check it out later. I felt better about talking with them about my father dying and it being hard to deal with. I also been talking about my suicidal urges that have been cropping up the last 24 hours. I just feel like I have to do something and I don’t know what that something is. Waiting for my father to die is not something I am looking forward to. I know it is going to happen but dammit. If I had a time frame, that would be fucking great. Like say he is going to die on x day at this time, then I can plan my hospitalization around that and things would be better. But life doesn’t work like that. I don’t even think my father knows he is dying because he is trying so hard to make it so he can go home. I don’t think he is going to go home, unless he doesn’t get state health care because we can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home at around $100/day.

I got some more Ensure because I was out. I still am not eating regularly. Coffee was my breakfast and a muffin with some fruit was my lunch. I have no idea if I am going to eat dinner. I have no appetite so an Ensure might be my dinner.

I don’t think my sister is going to visit my father today. She is already out and about doing things. She might be too tired to go. I don’t mind not going. I really find it hard seeing my father the way he is. Because his liver is damaged and is continuing to be, his body is producing ammonia more than usual. This is making him confused and sleepy. And he isn’t taking the medication used to bring the ammonia levels down because it’s a thick fluid and I think it tastes gross for him. I don’t know what it tastes like as I don’t have liver problems. Least I hope I never do.

The hard part for me is that I don’t think anybody has told my father that he is dying. I know my sisters haven’t told him and I am sure no medical professional has either. And what kills me is that they are giving him PT and OT to help him go back home when he is getting weaker and weaker. How is he supposed to go home when he is at risk for falling? Just getting him to the bathroom the other day was an ordeal. He almost fell backwards because he lost his balance while pulling up his pants. I just don’t get it. Then he was too tired to do anything else when we got him back to bed. Just changing him to his pajamas was tiring for him. And I think I am tired after taking a shower. The poor guy was ready to pass out he was so exhausted. It really killed me seeing him like this. And I know that it’s only going to get worse with time.

Because of his weakness and fatigue, I don’t think he will be a candidate for surgery for his other problem that he so desperately wants to take care of. And I think he might be dead before the appointment happens. I think I am the only one being the realist in the family about this. Sure we have made plans with the funeral home for his death but since we aren’t sure when he is going to die, it’s just putting more of a burden on us than we realize.

In the meantime, I am struggling with the black dog and suicidal feelings left and right. I know I should be in the hospital if anything for self-care, but I can’t take a chance that my father will die while I am there and it will just break my heart for that to happen. I want to be there when he dies, though I am still hoping he dies in his sleep.

Broken Sleep Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Broken Sleep Sucks

I woke up at 0300 today and it sucked. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom nor was I in pain. I just woke up. I didn’t even have a bad dream. I took an Ativan because I wanted to get back to sleep. Within a half hour, I did. It really sucks and then I woke up four hours later. I am going to need coffee soon. I got a fricken headache and it’s really bright outside. I hope I don’t get a migraine.

I am feeling really sad. I feel like I need to talk to someone. I thought about paging my psychiatrist but it’s really early and I don’t want to alarm her. Last night I went through my old address book and found the paging number that I didn’t have in my phone. It was driving me crazy because you get a person when you call rather than just punching numbers in with the other number that I have.

Facebook has this memory thing that shows pictures you posted a few years ago. Today it showed my swollen leg when I was in the hospital four years ago. Funny how things have not changed. My leg is still swollen and no one knows why. I have a lump on my leg. I really want to cut it open some times and let the fluid out. I feel this way when I am in a psychotic state. I guess you can say four years ago is when I started taking the abilify daily rather than PRN. And I can’t mess with the dose because I will become psychotic or delusional. If I miss a dose, I am in trouble. It’s so weird because I never was like this when I was younger. Seems that when I get older the worse my psychotic symptoms became. I am just glad I only need abilify to control the symptoms and an occasional trilafon when I have breakthrough psychosis. I really like trilafon. It is my go to when all else fails. They have changed it over the years. It used to be a gray sugar coated pill. Now it’s just a plain white pill. I used to call it candy so I could trick the voices into taking it. It’s a little bit more difficult to trick them now because there is no sugar coating on the pill.

I am feeling really sad. My sister hasn’t called me yet to ask if I am going to see my father. I really don’t want to see him but I feel that I should. It’s just so hard seeing him so frail. And knowing that it’s just going to get worse makes me even sadder. I think he will die in two weeks time but I could be wrong. He does eat breakfast but won’t eat lunch or dinner because he is full. We have tried to get him to drink Ensure but he is used to the bottle and what they have in the nursing home is a juice box type of container. My father is very particular about things. He won’t take something that is different from what he is used to. We might have to bring in a bottle so maybe he will drink it.

I feel so frustrated because there is nothing that I can do to help him. I really hope that the state health insurance kicks in soon or we are screwed. I am also pissed off because the damn social worker never returned my phone calls. In his voicemail message he says that he returns calls “promptly”. Yea right! I have only been waiting two days. How promptly is that? I hope he calls on Monday even though it is a holiday.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the Boston bombings of the Boston Marathon. Hard to believe it has been three years since it has happened. There were 264 survivors. Most of them have lost a limb or two because of the injuries they had. I will never forget the people that died that day and the officer that died the following day when the pictures of the suspects were posted. The officer died a needless death. It is so sad. He was a cop in my town and every year a local bakery runs a charity event to honor him.

I am still torn about going to the hospital. I kind of want to get evaluated by the ER and see if they think I should be inpatient or not. I have some suicidal tendencies but they come and go. Last night, I had some urges to kill myself. I distracted and ignored them. I tried to think of other things. I think I watched three episodes of Friends. It helped make me laugh. I love Joey and Rachel. The show is really funny. It really helped to calm my urges. Music also helps. I think I just want someone to make the decision for me as I just can’t decide if I want to go in or not. I plan on bringing a bag of clothes with me just in case it doesn’t go in my favor. Like I think I won’t be admitted because I just want to talk. I will have to conceal my suicidality otherwise I am at risk for admission. I hate lying but sometimes you just have to. I won’t go to the hospital where my psych is. I will go to the local hospital where they know me.

I am preparing a bag but I haven’t put stuff in it yet. I have written out the medication that I take. It’s easier to give them the paper than trying to remember doses and names. I always seem to miss one when I try to recall from memory all that I take. I didn’t put Neurontin down because I only take it PRN. They think I take it three times a day but I don’t. I have been on it for years so I know that taking a dose here and there helps me more than taking it every day. I will write the story I plan on telling in another blog. I really have to be careful with what I say. If they decide to admit me, I am kind of screwed. My father could die and I won’t be there. That will just break my heart.

random 878

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I talked with my therapist this morning. We agreed to take it day by day. I really need to have all my ducks in a row or close to it, for me to go to the hospital. Since making the decision to go, I have been feeling a little better. It will give me the break I need from the stress of all I have been going through.

I am supposed to visit my father tonight. I am apprehensive about it. I haven’t seen him in a few days. I hope that he is in a better mood tonight. I don’t bother calling him because he can be difficult on the phone and not really hear what you are saying. I think the guy reads lips and that is how he gets by. If his hearing is going, which it probably is, that will make things easier for him. But for right now, I am just fretting about the visit. I will be with my sisters so it shouldn’t be too bad. I hope we don’t stay too long.

I called the social worker at the nursing home and left another message for him to call me back. He has yet to return any of my calls. I hope he can call me tomorrow because I really know what time the meeting is going to be so I can plan either to keep my therapy appointment or to cancel it. Last time, it was too late to cancel because he called me after 1330, which was less than the 24 hour rule. We ended up doing a phone conference which didn’t benefit my father at all. We might have to do another phone conference call if this idiot doesn’t call me.

After I have this meeting and if I am able to keep my therapy appointment, I will make plans to go to the hospital. I think I am going to bring my suitcase as I can fit more stuff in it than a backpack. I can then use the backpack for my books and pens and stuff. I still don’t know what to pack as I am not sure where I will be going. I have to remember to bring my phone charger. I think I will leave my tablet at home. If I need it, I can always ask my sister to bring it.

I was talking with a friend tonight and she doesn’t want me to go to the hospital where I was before. I told her I rather be there because I know the place and will be able to have my phone. I know they won’t be able to “help” me. Most hospitals don’t really help you anyways, not like they used to. I just hope I don’t go to a hospital where I don’t want to be.