Tag: blog

Random 601

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had a good nap, a much needed nap. I was going to go to the post office to get some stamps but I will do that tomorrow. I can’t wait till they come out with the Star Trek ones. I will be buying several sheets of those.

I feel like I have wasted the day because I didn’t do anything but make my turkey sandwich. It was so good. My mother is making stuffed chicken breasts. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am not hungry. Even though I ate around noon, I am still full from lunch. All week I just been having one meal a day. Today I have had two as I had cereal in the wee hours of the morning. I really wanted to make an egg burrito later in the morning but I never did. I fell asleep and then it was lunch time. I think the only reason I had two hours of sleep was because I was hungry. I didn’t have dinner or lunch yesterday.

My sister texted me. I need to watch my little niece, though she isn’t so little anymore but she isn’t old enough to be on her own, just yet. She’ll probably just play on her game. I will bring my tablet down and read Dostoevsky. I hope I don’t have to make her dinner. I suck at making it, even mac and cheese. I can never get the mixture right.

I am feeling a bit low today. I know I am depressed because my eating is off, all I want to do is sleep, and I just can’t focus on one thing for too long. Last night the window was talking to me again, like really talking to me. It freaked me out because I never had inanimate things talk to me before. Sure I have had TV and radios talk to me but not windows. It was just murmuring something and I just couldn’t make out what it was saying. My regular voices were really quiet. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist or my therapist about this because I don’t want them to worry. They’ll probably tell me to take a trilafon. And I will start taking it once I move my damn bowels. I haven’t gone in three days so the window will have to talk to me for a little while. If it talks to me tonight, I will take it. I don’t want the window to start to tell me to do things. That will be bad. I wish it was like noises in the street or something but the window is in my back of the house away from any street or highway. It points toward my back yard.

Other than my not eating right and my sleep being all over the place, I still feel pretty crappy. I think I am going to send last night’s blog to my therapist so I don’t have to go over again what hassle my father put me through last night. It was terrible. I still am mad at him.

Finished babysitting and now I am really tired. I still haven’t moved my bowels so I just took some fiber pills. Only thing I am taking tonight is stuff to move them. I really need to go because I am starting to get uncomfortable. Screw everything else. I know that is not a good thing to do but I don’t care.

I really hate when you are depressed that you don’t really feel depressed you just feel nothing. Like nothing is ever going to change. It’s not a hopeless feeling; you just feel nothing inside you. It’s like you can feel your organs of body but other than that you feel hollow. It takes strength to breathe because you have to force air in and out of your lungs. You really just want to stop your heart from beating but it just keep going. It annoys the fuck out of me when it just beats it merry beat, like ha ha you can’t die because I am still beating. People in the mental health world like to call this beating a purpose. How can it be a purpose when it’s just a fact of life? You can temporarily stop your lungs from taking air but you can’t stop your damn heart, not by ordinary means anyways. Maybe with a bunch of cardiac drugs but who has those handy?

two and a half hours of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Two and a half hours of sleep

I think I have set a new record of sleeping. I only got 2.5 hours of sleep and I feel like I am good. Maybe the hypomanic stuff is back. I don’t know. I don’t feel euphoric. I just feel awake, like I just had a cup of coffee (I didn’t). I just had a bowl of cereal because I didn’t want to cook anything while being so sleep deprived. Later, if I am able to catch some more sleep, I plan on making my turkey bacon and egg burrito with Jalapeño cheese. I came up with a terrific plan for lunch. I will make a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce sandwich. I find that meal planning helps to keep me focused. And it also allows me to eat as I have a hard time deciding what to eat.

I watched “The American President” before I went to bed. I love this movie. I have seen it three times since I bought it. I might watch it again today, just to kill sometime. Today is my rest day, though I do have to mail something so I do need to get out of the house. I can’t believe that I have left the house nearly every day this week. Next week I will be out three days, dealing with my father. It’s going to be tough.

I keep thinking about what to write and I can’t think of a damn thing. I emptied my email. I now only have 4 things in my inbox. Everything else I either deleted or put in my “read mail” folder. I am happy about this because I had almost 700 emails in my inbox. Now it’s all cleaned up.

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

So my father’s doctor is an asshole. He is never on time and when you do see him, he never apologizes for being late. My father wanted to leave almost 45 minutes into waiting for him but I told him he needed this appointment if we were to get refills on his medications. And I didn’t rent a fucking Zipcar for nothing but to get aggravated with him and his doctor. That wouldn’t be fucking fair to me at all because I am the one taking care of the bastard (father). I take him to all his medical appointments, even when I don’t feel up to it. I then relay the information to my sisters. But the ungrateful bastard doesn’t see it this way. He thinks he doesn’t need an EKG or blood tests or pills or any of it. I am so sick of taking him but out of my responsibility as the oldest child, I do it anyway.

I wish I had therapy with my therapist today. I could have used an extra session or a talk with her just for ten minutes. My grocery order was late this morning. I called them and they had my phone number wrong. I have been using them for fucking 2 years now and I got a text just fine yesterday saying when they were going to come so I don’t know what changed in 24 hours. The lady said that they were using all of one digit rather than a number and three digits that were the same. I don’t believe it. I even checked the paper I had to sign and the number was correct on the paperwork. I was bullshit but I got the delivery fee waived because they didn’t call me or notify me they were late. They came like ½ hour after I spoke to the customer service person, who was a very nice lady. I was kind of upset because they didn’t have the buttermilk in stock. My oatmeal pancake recipe calls for buttermilk but I have been using regular milk. I wanted to see if I liked it with the buttermilk or not. So no buttermilk oatmeal pancakes tomorrow morning.

I got my haircut done like I wanted to. My mother fucking hates it and I could care less. I am wicked tired. I even had a latte before the doctor’s appointment. But I did a lot with the groceries and then making me a sandwich. I finally took a shower today after I got my haircut. That wiped me out some but was able to rest a little bit before the groceries came. But walking to and from the train station to get the Zipcar is what did me in. My foot is not liking me right now. I made it work. And of course it flared up soon as we were a block from the house. It always does that.

I had to pull apart my OtterBox because the volume on the incoming calls was so low I couldn’t hear the person speaking to me. And when I did, I found out that I have been using the wrong kind of case all this time. I don’t really care at this point, or at this point in time. It suits me though having to take the sucker apart kills me. Those things are indestructible alright!

I know part of my irritability is from having my fucking menses and wearing female clothes. The only advantage to wearing a damn pad is that it prevents me from leaking to my underwear. I think my menses are over because I haven’t had any stuff on my pad today. If nothing is on tomorrow, I am done and can go back to my boxers and be happy.

I found the fridge for my mother and she was upset that it didn’t have a place for the ice. Why she doesn’t want a damn ice maker is beyond me, but whatever. The one I picked out “looked small” for the freezer section. The other one I showed her had a bigger looking section but had the ice maker issue. So I get to call the appliance store tomorrow and see if I can get it without the maker for a lower price. I am now annoyed because the last time we tried calling, we weren’t successful at all. I even complained to Twitter’s Searscares. They weren’t much help either, just sympathetic to my annoyance. If I were the one holding the damn credit card, I would buy the damn fridge and be done with it. I don’t think she is going to have an ice slot to put her ice trays like our fridge has. That is why they come with ice makers but you can’t tell my mother this. She just doesn’t want it. So I got annoyances from BOTH my parents today, one more than the other.

Random 365

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s almost 0500. I woke up about a half hour ago because I had a dry throat. I thought I would be able to get back to sleep, but it hasn’t happened yet. I got a text saying that my grocery order would come between 1100-1300. I am debating staying up but not sure if I can as I am getting sleepy. I woke up from a strange dream where I was cooking dinner for my coworkers and every time I went to get something, I became distracted. It was a strange dream.

My psychiatrist emailed me back about the pain that I have been having. She thinks I should go back to the neurosurgeon but the pain is in my foot, not my back. I responded saying why can’t we just amputate and get rid of my ankle. Even now, though I haven’t stepped one foot off the bed, the ankle is growling as if I did something to it.

I want to get my haircut this morning. The barber shop doesn’t open until 0800. It will be good to be bald again, not completely. Just enough to have a little fuzz on top my head. I love having very short haircuts. After the haircut, I will come home and shower. That is the plan anyways.

I don’t have therapy today, though I wish I did. I like talking with my therapist. It breaks up the monotony of the day. But she no longer has times on Thursday like she used to. Tomorrow is the first day of the week that I will have nothing planned to do so I am not going to do anything. I hope my pain doesn’t come back because tonight I will be doing a lot of walking.

I just got order confirmation for the bag that I ordered. I can’t wait till I comes. My friend that is working toward his PhD just sent me an article that I asked him about last month. I am so happy. I will print it out later and read it. It’s another article dealing with suicidal patients. I will review the article once I read it.