Tag: blog

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

It’s Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s done!

I just spent the last half hour wrestling with sheets. To my surprise, I got the fitted sheet on the first go round. Now I am washing my comforter and the dirty sheets. I am fucking pooped. You would have thought that I did manual labor. My back is thanking me kindly for the struggle. I am happy that I changed my sheets finally.

I woke up this morning sneezing my head off. I knew then I had to change the sheets to see if that made a difference. Soon as I removed the sheets, I found foam had become dislodged and I had them all over my foam topper. I really need to replace it but I don’t know what to do with my current one. I will need to cut it up so that can be disposed of. But it’s heavy so I need to be careful with it. I remember when I got it years ago, it took two people to bring it up the stairs. I haven’t been able to find another foam topper, which is part of the problem. It has to be the same or my sheets aren’t going to fit.

With all the sneezing, I feel wicked congested. This time I am going to try just to keep my current book I am reading, journal, and laptop on my bed. And a notepad. These are the essentials. Mail and other stuff I’ll just put on my desk. It’s accumulating a very big pile. I will have to go through it one day. Not today though. My back is needed as today is my niece’s birthday. It wouldn’t be good for me not to show up.

I’m feeling really depressed despite my accomplishment. I am also really tired but I don’t have a blanket I can put on my bed until the comforter is washed and dried. I’m glad I took a shower last night. I don’t think taking a shower today would be a good thing.

I finally moved my bowels today. I was getting so worried. I think drinking extra water and taking fiber pills helped. But now that the hard stuff is out of the way, I worry about having the opposite problem because I was taking so much stuff to go. I was talking with a friend who takes more opioids than I do and she has to take something to reverse the binding effects of the medication. I know I got backed up because I wasn’t eating and taking the senna every day. If I don’t take the senna, I don’t go and it’s hard to get back on track.

I haven’t had coffee yet. I think I will have some Pike. I haven’t had it in a while. I also have the Hawaiian coffee that is stronger than the last batch I had. I will make that tomorrow.

It sucks that there isn’t anymore of my favorite sports playing. Baseball doesn’t start for another month and it won’t be on the radio until April. I am boycotting NESN because they fired Don Orsillo so I won’t be watching any baseball on TV. I like listening to the radio anyways. I listened the majority of the season last year.

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.

Sleeping in Spurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleeping in spurts

I have been sleeping in spurts all day. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I got a lot on my mind, mostly about making sure I get my letter in the mail tomorrow. I also have to go the opposite way to Walgreens to get some feminine stuff because I am running low and the damn menses have restarted. Fucker. Here I thought I was all done with it and lo and behold, NOT. It was a joke. I am having a light bleed, which I guess is preferable to a moderate bleed. It still messes with my head though, no matter what the flow is like. I shouldn’t be having it, period (no pun intended). I still can’t believe missing one pill caused all this havoc.

I am finally breathing out of both nostrils, least for now anyway. Earlier, I couldn’t breathe at all and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I took some Afrin to clear up my inflamed passageways. I feel better because my sinuses aren’t hurting so much. I had taken a sinus pill earlier today and that helped some but it was my last pill. I haven’t bought them in a while and I hope that I can afford them. I think it will help with the pressure I am feeling. I hope I am not coming down with a sinus infection. Those suck big time. But my nasal discharge has been clear up till this point. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.

I read Dostoevsky while I was babysitting this evening. I read two chapters and a half. I have no idea what I read other than a peasant girl who was an “idiot” got pregnant and then died after giving birth. It is unsure who the father of the child was but there is speculation that it’s the father of the Karamazov brothers. We will never know because the girl couldn’t talk and she is dead now. The baby was taken in by the father Karamazov’s servants. Talk about a twist in the book. I am just reading this book just to read it. Once I read a book, I have to finish it even if I don’t like it. And I am not really liking this book too much. I can only imagine what Crime and Punishment is going to be like.

Later today, I plan on printing out the article my friend sent me. It will be an interesting read, least I hope it will be. I might write a review if it’s interesting enough. It’s about suicide and it not being “business as usual”.

Every morning at 1 am, I get a text message from Dilbert comics. It’s the only way I can read the strip these days as it’s not in the papers anymore. It used to be a very funny comic strip but lately it’s not. Like everything else in my life, I have lost interest in it. But I still get the text in case I want to read it.

I have realized that it has been a long while since I wrote a profound blog. I have been trying to but I just haven’t been in the frame of mind. I know I have been writing saying I have been depressed but I think it’s more sadness than depression. I also haven’t been feeling melancholic, which also tends to fuel my writing. And I know I have been writing about me just wanting to die, but I haven’t been in a constricted state of mind to be suicidal. I just wish I was dead. To me that is preferable than going through the pain in my foot/ankle every single day. I no longer feel psychache. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I am just avoiding it. I am glad I am not feeling it because if I were and then that coupled with the physical pain I have been experiencing, I most certainly will be thinking of taking my life.