I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.
My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.
I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.
I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.
Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.
Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.
I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.
I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.