Tag: blog

Hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Hypo again

I don’t like this one day up the next day normal bullshit. It seriously only means that I will be headed for a serious breakdown sometime in the next few weeks. Or by the end of this week. I don’t really know what is causing this up one day and down the next. Maybe I am cycling. It is better than being in a mixed state.

I have been really irritable lately. The slightest things seem to piss me off. Yesterday, while having coffee, my mother wanted to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to muster the “don’t talk to me while having coffee” look, it just came across as me being in a bad mood or depressed. I fucking hate that. She just doesn’t get it because coffee doesn’t affect her. She drinks instant bullshit so what does she know of good coffee anyways! I doubt the instant shit has any real caffeine in it anyway. Pisses me off. And the more I tell her not to fucking talk to me, the more talkative she gets, WTF. I drank enough of my coffee so I wouldn’t spill it while walking and then headed up to my room for peace and quiet. My room is my only solace these days. I can’t be in the house or even in my office because the TV is on full blast or she is pressing every single button on the Tivo remote making fucking noise that is so damn loud. I don’t know when I became intolerable to noises. I used to work in a busy lab where noise was the only way to work. You had the tube machine going, the MPA which loves to ding for no good reason, then of course you have people talking either to each other or on the phone. Thank god we did away with music in the lab, though people will play Pandora on their workstations, but at low levels. It was a mad house and I enjoyed every minute of it. But now that I am in the confines of my room, I can’t tolerate any fucking beeping noise or even the tea kettle going off. It just makes me VERY annoyed.

I had therapy today. I told her about my friend that is having troubles. I wish I could do more for my friend but she lives very far away from me, over 3000 miles. I am doing what I can before she gets “real” help, as right now I am the only help to her that she is getting. We didn’t get into my troubles too much. She read the blog I wrote her the other day and she said there was one part that sounded “hyde”ish. I have no idea what she is talking about. I wrote the letter, and typed it up. I don’t think there is an element of Hyde anywhere in the letter. But then, she is always analyzing my writing. I told her about the mishap with my cell phone. And then toward the end of session, I became hypo, just like that. It was like a switch went off. I feel really good, even though I saw my father at the bus stop. We had to walk to my home so he could use the bathroom. So I walked an extra block today. I wish I could say it was good seeing him but I can’t stand him so there goes that idea.

My therapist also talked about how difficult it was to read the packet I gave her last week. She is having anxiety about reading it. I knew I should have waited a little bit before giving it to her. It is my fault she feels that way. But I know once she reads it, she will have questions. I also gave her my psychosis story. Maybe I will suggest reading that rather than the letter. I think the story is pretty good, not one of my best, but good enough.

I need to get new glasses next month, or at least try to get them. I’m going to try one of our bulk stores called BJ’s. I have had glasses from them before. I am going to get the single vision first and then I will get the bifocals, depending on the price. My eyes keep doing funky things and refuse to focus at times. It is worse when I am tired. Then I have to take the glasses off for a bit so my eyes get a some rest so to speak.

My last few texts to my therapist last night was about LGBT rights. It is pissing me off that more and more states are discriminating against people like me. Now I hear that Kentucky and Virginia are proposing laws. For Fuck’s Sake. I like Virginia and was considering going to school there at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University. But now that is not going to happen because I will be discriminated against. Even in Indiana, they now have posted signs saying “we serve everyone”. They shouldn’t have to and if a bill they passed needs to be clarified, it shouldn’t have been passed in the first place!! It just makes me so very angry. And it also makes me thinking of killing myself all the more. Because if I can’t be accepted by the society I live in or even my family for that matter, what is the point of living anyways??

Another side of Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, suicidality

Another side to Bipolar Disorder

Last night, I sort of crashed. I was still feeling like I was in some weird mixed state but I was more up than down. Despite the up feelings, I was adamant that I should kill myself while in this state as I had energy to do so. I texted my therapist that I was a hopeless case and something to the effect that I would be writing suicide letters before ending my life. I still am thinking this. We have a session in about an hour. I am sure she is going to try and talk me out of it but I don’t think she can this time.

All day I have been in a weird mood, neither up, neither down, just flat but I have been alert and to my senses. I got pissed off last night because I requested a 90 day supply of medication and he sent in a 30 day supply. Now the mail order is charging me $20, for what I am not sure. I am so angry that I don’t care. It’s not like I am going to be living 90 days anyway. I am going to get my affairs in order and just end things. How I am going to do this, is still a mystery to me. I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Last night I doubled my mood stabilizer. I also took my antidepressant that I have not been taking for more than a month. Now I have the hungry horrors today, though I think that is mostly because of the antidepressant than the mood stabilizer. I just wanted to get out of the “high” feeling before I spent my last dollar that probably isn’t mine (long story). I still have to file my taxes and I need money because I know that I owe. I plan on filing my next pay period, which is in two weeks. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I am wicked nervous about seeing her, though kind of in a good way. I bought her chocolate as a welcome back. She knows of my mood swings because I emailed her. She doesn’t know of my suicidal plans. I fear that if she knows them, I will be placed in the hospital. But the hospital is not going to deter me this time.

I don’t know why I am planning all these self-destructive things. I am just preparing for my death. I have not made any plans to actually end my life. I am just writing notes in the case of my death, which will be sometime this year. I cannot bare to live another decade.

Had a half a row with my mother tonight. She said that she didn’t know there was a boy in the house (meaning me, with my new haircut). I had to walk away only because it was close to my therapist appointment time and I didn’t want to start a fight. It still pisses me off she has no clue that I am a male or transgender. She is so fucking clueless. And it hurts so bad.

She won’t be getting a letter from me. My sisters, nieces, and nephew will but she won’t. And because my father doesn’t read English, he won’t get one either. Because fuck him. He is the reason for my problems, with all the abuse he has given me over the years.

My therapist didn’t flip out over my text of me wanting to write suicide notes and then kill myself. She has been calmer with my suicidality lately, and it is scaring me. We actually talked about my suicidality with her anxiety going off on all tangents. I even brought it up and she said it was there she just wasn’t letting it show. Maybe because I am not in the same room with her I can’t “read” her. But then she can’t really “read” me either. We talked about my decent into the darkness last night. And again it comes out when I am tired and I can’t sleep. It’s like I am fighting sleep and if I would just lie down, I might be able to sleep. But instead I feel like I have to write. So I wrote my therapist a good by letter. I will also be sending her a copy of my short story on psychosis. I started the letter soon after midnight. So the Midnight Demons came out. I don’t even remember half of what I wrote to her. But then, when I am in that state, I never remember what I write. The thing that bothers me is that I had taken meds that should have knocked my ass out well before midnight. I had taken my meds around 2130 so I should have fallen asleep within an hour, the most two. It just really sucks when I don’t fall asleep and I am fighting sleep. That is when I become really suicidal and I write about it deeply and with intensity. Then in the morning, I have no recollection of what I wrote. At all.

My therapist wants me to take my meds early tonight. I will take them at 2000 and see if I fall asleep before 2300. I do have to wake up early tomorrow to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am not sure I will tell her about my suicidality or letter writing. It will depend on my mood. Sometimes I am forthcoming with my suicidality but sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to end up in the emergency room. My suicidality is not imminent so I don’t think I will be sent to emergency services. And she knows my suicidality is chronic.

Get to Know me: 25 Q & A

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, writing

1. What is your middle name?:
don’t have one
2. What was your favorite subject at school?
Math
3. What is your favorite drink?:
Iced tea
4 . What is your favorite song at the moment?:
Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood
5. What is your favorite food?:
Pizza
6. What is the last thing you bought?:
pens
7 .. Favorite book of all time?:
Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison, 8 million ways to die by Lawrence Block
8. Favorite Color?:
Blue
9. Do you have any pets?:
No
10. Favorite Colgne?:
Polo sport or Old Spice OS
11. Favorite Holiday?:
Easter
12. Are you married?:
No.
13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?:
Yes,Spain 1, Canada 1
14. Do you speak any other language?:
no
15. How many siblings do you have?:
2 younger sisters
16. What is your favorite shop?:
Amazon.com
17. Favorite restaurant?:
Olive garden, Texas Roadhouse.
18. When was the last time you cried?:
so long I don’t remember
19. Favorite Blog?:
belspor
20 Favourite movie?
Money Pit
21. Favorite TV shows?:
Bones, Rizzoli and Isles, Perception.
22. PC or Mac?
PC
23. What phone do you have?:
I have the Google Nexus
24. How tall are you?:
I am 5’
25 Can you cook?
I can make breakfast food and bake real good.

random 11 on the 11th

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I feel really unmotivated to do anything today. But I did return my one phone call and they are going to pick up my car tomorrow morning. I know my brother-in-law will be happy about that.

I was going to go out today but I had coffee at home so there is no reason for me to go out now. I will be going out tonight as I have my Aunt’s 90th birthday party to go to. I really don’t feel like going but I am her godchild so I need to go. And I have to take my father and sister so there is no way I can get out of it. My aunt will be very disappointed if I don’t show. I suppose I will have to shower now that I will be going out. I should do this after my blog in case it wears me out and I need a nap. I don’t know why a shower is so exhausting to me at times. But I guess when you have chronic illness, any type of physical activity if going to wear you out. I don’t shower for very long, in fact, I have timed it to be around 10 minutes. Not very long at all but it still wears me out at times.

I had therapy today. Again, my therapist wanted me to write a “positive affirmation” blog about myself. Or even a letter to her. I was going to write it on Sunday night, but I got too tired after all the good things that happened. I thought the good feelings would last but they didn’t. Sunday evening I noticed that Amazon had me as one of their favorite books of the year. It is no longer there anymore but I snapped a picture of it to prove it was there! If those of you that are reading this have a Kindle, my book is now on sale for just 99 cents. Here is the link.

We didn’t spend too much time talking about the affirmation part of it. I felt good knowing that my book touched someone Sunday night. Apparently, I have my intro to the book on my blog. If you want to see it, click here. I never knew this guy had struggles with suicide, but then, not too many people wear signs that they struggle, myself included. I tweeted him that he wasn’t alone and he said he would buy my book. I hope he does and I hope that it helps him in some way.

That was another thing my therapist pointed out to me today, that I am creative. I don’t think of myself as creative. I really have to focus if I want to be creative. And the thing about self-promoting my book is that I am going to have to be creative in 140 characters or less. I have 7 days to let the world know that my book is 99 cents. And I can’t use the same tweet over again. Silly, I know. I can have the same message on Facebook but Twitter knows when you use the same message. So trying to come up with several different hashtag combos and wording is going to be a challenge. So I guess I am a little creative but again, I have to be focused to come up with stuff and my brain doesn’t have the knack right away to come up with sayings. It is usually after the fact that I come up with a good line.

Something is going on with my phone. When someone calls me, the phone doesn’t show the number or person calling until like 3 rings into the call. It is annoying me. Like today, I was all into Twitter as Garth Brooks just signed up for his account and the phone rang but I had no idea who it was until the 3rd ring. It was my therapist and I was kind of off guard as I completely lost track of the time. For 2 seconds I was wondering why she was calling me, interrupting my Twitter scrolling and music playing. I had Luke Bryan playing and was really into the song when she called. I hate when people call during a good song! LOL Or I will get a few text messages during the song. Annoying! But I guess that is the price I pay when I listen to music on my phone.

We also talked about technological stuff. I had to explain about Twitter chats to her as she has no idea what they are about. It is a good thing because she wouldn’t be able to keep up. The tweets were crazy Sunday night. I had looked into another browser and when I came back, there were 20+ tweets that I had missed. All within a span of a few minutes! I know there are a lot of people that join the chat. I think one week we had over 65 people. Insane! You really have to be a fast, proficient reader to keep up. And then my phone was blowing up with all the RTs and favorites or mentions. I keep forgetting to shut my ringer off.

Looks like my father wants to make a “late” appearance at the birthday party. Just fucking great. Me navigating in dark is not so well and I know it is going to be pitch black come 5 pm tonight. I hate driving at night. If it was just me, I wouldn’t care but with my father, my nerves are on edge because he has his own “way” of getting to where we are going. I unfortunately am not that familiar with driving from his house to my aunts. It is going to be nerve racking that is for sure. Too bad I can’t take an Ativan.