Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Sad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.

Random 737

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

I have my first scheduled post to publish at 1800 today. I decided to change the name and URL when I originally published it to include the word “suicide” so people can reference it. I still cannot find the article I got it from so I can properly cite it. I will try and find it, then edit the blog again.

Day went dreary. It was wicked cloudy today and tomorrow is supposed to rain all day. My friend in NM thought we are getting snow, but I haven’t heard anything. But then I haven’t been watching my weathermen tweets.

My legs feel really heavy today for some reason. The back of my legs hurt when I stand up from a seated position, especially when I get up from sitting on my bed for a few hours. I hope it’s just because they get tired of the position they are in and not something else. Dammit, just remembered I was supposed to call my physiatrist today but forgot, again. Why is it I always remember to do stuff after places get closed? I wish I had his email that would be easier.

Fucking found the damn appendix that had the damn “Crisis Response Plan”. I was right, it was the US Air Force that had the cards and I modified it to suit my needs. I am happy I found the source!! Now I can append it on the blog. I really thought I was going crazy when I couldn’t find the damn reference. I knew I got it somewhere. I didn’t come up with it myself. I’m not that smart! And when you have been as suicidal as I have been, you don’t think of what can benefit you. You just rely on your therapist to guide you through the crisis.

My father called me today. He wanted to know why I wasn’t coming over. I never said that I would come over today but I was supposed to call him. Oh well. He called me and I get to call him tomorrow and tell him he has another doctor’s appointment on Thursday. That is going to be fun. I get to spend another 2 hours at the hospital, more if the doc is late.

My high school crush sent me a FB message. She wanted me to know there was alternative treatment out there, like acupuncture and holistic stuff. Tell me something I don’t know. I didn’t respond but appreciated the gesture.

I got my appointment for PT next week. I really can’t wait this time around. I hope that the ultrasound works because trying to strengthen my ankle with the ankle exercises I was given certainly didn’t help. It made things worse. My back is still out of whack. The only relief I get is by sitting. Walking or standing for any length of time just hurts me. I just don’t understand it. I should be better by now, dammit. I think I need a massage.

I think I have caught my mother’s cold. My throat has been dry for most of the day. I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I always get sick. I can’t afford to be sick again. Coughing will kill my back and I might really hurt myself. I wish I didn’t have a damn time bomb in my back. I am so afraid of getting CES again, for the 3rd time because I still have bad, herniated discs in my lower spine.

Morning Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.

Knack for Lyrics

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been listening to Garth Brooks for the past hour. I forgot how much I miss listening to his voice and my favorite songs.

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0330, fell back to sleep about an hour later only to wake up again a few hours in pain. Damn hip just doesn’t want to be slept on and if I sleep on my back it still hurts me. If I sleep on the opposite side, it still hurts so I can’t win.

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really can’t wait for PT in a week. I really want them to give me an exercise that will stretch this out so that I am in less pain. I know that the script was for my ankle but they should be able to do something for me for my hip. I can’t be hurting all the time. I think that if they refuse, I will just call my doc and get them to have a new order. If I need to be seen by a doc, that wouldn’t upset me either. I am just so damn tired of being in pain. The pain medicine is only doing so much for me.

I have been playing my stupid Facebook game most of the day. I was so damn disappointed when I got the wrong dog on a timed thingy. Now I need to start another one but need to stockpile one of the items. It takes some time and I am glad people are still working on this mission because I would be so screwed otherwise.

My blog passed 33,000 views yesterday. I am so glad people read my blog. So thank you for reading.

Can’t believe that my stupid birthday is in nine days. I really am not looking forward to it. Every year, I have been so suicidal that I just didn’t care about the day. This year has been different. I am not really depressed and I am definitely not suicidal. Usually, I have a depression that makes walking feel like I am in mud. I have been trying to document the change but it has been hard to pinpoint. I know my feelings have changed since my last hospitalization and Robin Williams’s suicide. I guess you can say that I am glad that his death occurred while I was hospitalized. I don’t think I would be here otherwise. I think going back on mirtazapine was the best thing I could do for myself. It has been more than three months being on it and I still have been stable. Usually, the effects of the drug last one month and then it stops working. But for some reason, this time around, it has benefitted me. Only thing I hate about it is the increased appetite. And the subsequent weight gain. But since I have adjusted, my weight has been stable the past month or so.

I wanted to go for a walk today but my ankle thought otherwise. I hate having pain dictate what I do or don’t do. It totally sucks. I need to try and save my spoons for tomorrow when I deal with my father again.

I think I found a new “old” song that fits my therapist and I. It’s Garth’s song “A friend in me”. I will write out the lyrics and send them to her. I got half a letter and a blog post written to her that I have been meaning to send out. She likes getting letters. I’m telling you she is a nuttier case than me. I don’t know why some lyrics jump out at me and others don’t. For instance, there are no lyrics on 1989 that jump out at me that would fit my therapist. Maybe “Bad Blood” would fit with the lyrics “now we got problems and I don’t think we can solve them”, but other than that, the rest of the song doesn’t fit. Yet I listen to Garth, and at least three songs jump out at me. I don’t get this knack that I have, I really don’t.