Tag: cauda equina syndrome

ramble 628

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I had therapy today. I have to say that this new development has my therapist’s curiosity piqued. We tried talking about it today but there was nothing new. Things have settled down some and I think I am back to being “me” again. She didn’t have a chance to read the letter I wrote her last night. I just told her the contents and thankfully, I didn’t have to read it to her.

Though it is still early for the poll to close, the majority of people that voted (9) wants me to continue this blog. So I will write every day, even if I don’t feel like. But there maybe some days that I am unable to write. Tomorrow is one of those days. I am hoping that the stress of the day won’t stir things up. I have my father’s appointment in the morning. I hope the doc is on time or close to it, as last time we were there almost all morning. Granted my father was late getting there so that didn’t help matters. If we manage to get out before 12 I will go to my second home (Starbucks) and also will be bringing my laptop so I can blog, possibly, or write in my journal. I have slightly given up on the short story collection book that I have been working on. I found out they don’t do well. I still haven’t heard from the agent. It has been a little more than a week now. I am half expecting an email saying “sorry not interested” or something to that effect. I have 3.5 weeks left to know of an interest.

Funny thing is, I don’t think I have told my therapist this bit of information, LOL. Since we have been dealing with the DID stuff, I really have time to tell her or mention it. I guess if something happens by chance and I do get an agent, then I will let her know.

I have to take a shower today. Thing is I don’t want to because my ankle is acting up. I took some pain meds so if it calms down enough and I have a window of no pain, I will try and take advantage and shower. That is how my life has become. Usually taking it in the morning is better than during the day or evening. But sometimes if I take a morning shower, it drains me and I won’t be able to do anything the rest of the day. And tomorrow I need all my spoons with me so no shower. It has to be tonight at the latest.

I was singing to one of the Luke Bryan songs on my MP3. I was just mouthing the words because I know my mother wouldn’t be able to hear me anyways. She now thinks I am “happy”. She also bitched that I don’t help her around the house. Well, I got a bad ankle so I can’t do much. She said she was “lazy” and doesn’t know why. I can tell her why but she wouldn’t like it. She is overweight and depressed. And for someone that has COPD, that isn’t good. But does she do anything about it? NOOOOO. She also is in chronic pain with her knees and back. Does she take something for it? Nope. Not even so much as an aspirin. Fucking kills me that she is so stubborn. There are medications out there to help her and she just doesn’t want to be on them. I can understand. I was there where she was. But I wouldn’t be able to function, at all, if I didn’t take the pills I take, including my psych meds. Sure, I have problems paying for my meds, everyone does, but she also has diabetes and her insulin is ridiculously expensive. It pisses me off that her test strips are free but her insulin costs an arm and a leg. She needs her insulin more than she needs the test strips!

Today is National World Suicide Prevention Day. One of my groups, the depression and chronic illness one, a woman was saying all she thought about was suicide 100%. I gave her the suicide number to call as well as the text number in case she felt more comfortable with that. I then find out through one of the admins that we lost two group members through suicide the past two weeks. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force them to drink.

It is weird that a month ago, I was wallowing in the depths of suicidal depression and it wasn’t until I started back on an antidepressant that I started feeling better. I still was suicidal during the first few weeks, and especially after Robin Williams died. I remember writing to my writing partner, saying it was my turn now. I was in the hospital so there was no way I could try. And after I left, I found I didn’t want to try. I still had the ideas in my head, but the motive behind them were not as strong as they were the first couple of weeks in the hospital. So even though I didn’t get the support I wanted, the hospital did do something.

Games, mindwise and otherwise

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, writing

Games, mindwise and otherwise

So, I joined a group for my Facebook game, Pioneer Trail, because some of the neighbors are no longer player out of my 125 people. I got new neighbors that play actively. But I still have not received my stuff that I need. I am behind in my missions because I was in the hospital. Still not up to speed with the current missions. And today I got really pissed off because I found out you needed to complete a mission inside a mission to get the stuff you need. I stopped playing and just collected rewards off other people. It was easier to do this than send out the stuff I needed in return.

I then had therapy in the afternoon. I would have preferred lunch with my aunt. My therapist read the blog I posted that had another “alter” and boy, did we talk about this for some time. She wanted me to read the paragraph to her and I wanted nothing more to do with the letter. I told her the handwriting didn’t change, but, it sort of did. I wrote a journal entry prior to writing the letter and the handwriting was different than that of the journal. The letter’s handwriting was more sloppy than that of the journal. AND the last thing I wrote was “good night” in Italian. I remember writing most of the letter except the last paragraph. That last paragraph has my mind going in directions I didn’t think were possible. My therapist thinks that it was a part of myself that is angry with her, and she is okay with it. But my “core self” is not okay with it. I hate losing control like I did. And then the fact I slept soundly afterwards is a little bizarre, to me anyways. My therapist thinks it was a way to access the different parts of me through my writing. I just think it is one big game. And at the end of it, my alter is going to succeed in killing me. I thought, up until now, I just had one, Mr. Hyde. Now that I have this unnamed alter inside and it is a he. There were crazy circumstances that allowed this to happen. One, I was on heavy pain medication. Two, I was exhausted from being up very early in the morning. Three, I had lack of sustenance for most of the day. (I didn’t eat anything after I had my mocha that morning.) So all of this seems to factor in. Today I didn’t eat much, except for dinner. I skipped lunch because I just wasn’t hungry. The 4th factor was that my annoyance level was high and I was angry because of dealing with my father that day that didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I had expected to spend no more than twenty minutes for his blood draw and it was almost an hour. That lead to my further blood sugar withdrawal. It was also hot that day, and I tend to be cranky in the heat. I just cannot tolerate it. Add all these factors in, no wonder I needed an escape of some sort and that alter wanted so badly to be let out. But I mistook it for Hyde. I even said in the letter, here is Hyde. But NONE of the writing was his. It was not a suicidal letter/paragraph. It was just someone screaming at my therapist that he was in charge and that you have to let her go, something to that effect. It also spoke of my transgender issues, stating that my therapist should give up the nonsense of calling me a him. Even as I am writing this, I am getting scared it might come out again. The rule that was drilled into me when I was younger was that what went on in the house, stayed in the house. I wasn’t to let anyone know of what was going on. I acted like the man of the house because I was the oldest, and I took this responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, my sisters were not the “good” ones like I was in school. They had their own agendas. They still do.

What troubles me is that I now have displayed a couple of alters while writing. It scares me that this is an outlet for them because it is possible for them to come out when I least expect it to. I think I have some control but what if I lose that control? I haven’t discussed this with my therapist but I think she can agree that my “core self” is in control the majority of the time. It is only when I “choose” to let loose the alter that it comes out. But then I worry about dissociating. That is a different set of rules. The only time I can clearly recall dissociating was last year when I “lost” a few hours and blogged something without my knowledge of it. I blamed Hyde because it was suicidal in nature. I call Hyde, Hyde because it is the “evil” side of me, the dark side that no one sees. It is a benign side, I know it won’t hurt me but it might if let loose for too long. Being suicidal is just too unpredictable. Words can take action very quickly.
My therapist wants me to “embrace” this other side of me. She is curious about it. I just wonder if we were meeting face to face if this person would come out more. It really is hard to predict. I didn’t know this one existed until last week. It was scary. I rather not have this side come out again. But only if I am writing. If it wants to write, I guess I could let it out and write. Just as long as I go to sleep afterwards.

Normal vs Abnormal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Normal vs. abnormal

I realized today that since having a nerve injury, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know what it is like to not live in pain every day. I don’t remember what it was like working a full time job while suffering from chronic pain. I also don’t know what it is like anymore to go to the bathroom and not find surprises. This is what my life has become since getting Cauda Equina Syndrome and being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

I can also say that I don’t know what it is like being normal without having voices in my head that talk to me all the time. My therapist and I were talking about this during our last session. I have to hear a “voice” while I read. It narrates the words. It usually is male as I frequently buy books that are authored by males. But it is the same male voice that hear. Without this voice, I cannot read. The words just do not make sense. Apparently, my therapist has told me that this doesn’t happen with someone else. She doesn’t have a voice that narrates when she reads something. I find this curious and so does she. As she puts it, “someone” has to “read” to me. But I have always heard the voice. Maybe it is just my muse reading to me. I don’t know. But then, I have lived my entire life since the age of five with hearing voices and keeping it covert. I guess the only ones that know I hear voices are the people that read this blog and read my memoir. Few family members know. I think my mother thinks I was “cured” I first hospitalized at the age of 16.

I was thinking about this whole normal vs. abnormal thing because I don’t remember what it was like having a normal bowel movement. I have to take stuff to go where as before, I just went whenever. I might have been constipated but if I don’t take stuff for it now a days, I can be backed up for a week or longer. And then I am really uncomfortable. I also don’t remember what it was like to actually feel the stool leave my body. I don’t have that sensation anymore. It has slowly come back but if I have loose stool, I really don’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel when I leak urine. My boxers will be wet but I don’t feel it. It’s not until I actually urinate that I notice I leaked.

I also don’t remember what it was like showering and feeling invigorated by it. Lately, it just has been an energy draining experience. I might have energy to take a shower, but then by the time I am done, I find that all my energy is gone. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day when we met up for coffee. She said that she would say this to her daughters, and they wouldn’t understand how it could be so draining. I thought I was the only one to feel this way but apparently, those of us with chronic pain also feel like this. I haven’t showered since the day I met my friend (three days ago). I plan on taking one tonight, before bed, so that if it does drain me, at least I will be going to bed anyways.

Also, since having the nerve injury, I find that I cannot tolerate heat. I never could stand the heat before my surgery, but after it I found that if I wasn’t in cool surrounding, I get very irritable and cranky. I don’t know how my mother can stand the humidity of the house today as the temp is in the 90s. I barely made it home but thank god for an AC’d bus. Waiting for it in the heat was very unbearable but there was not much I could do about it. There was a kid, probably around 4, that was playing with his ball at the station where I was waiting for the bus. He was annoying me because the ball was going all around me. I know that if the temp was cooler, I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed. But I wanted to get out of the house as I have not been outside since Thursday when I met with my friend. My ankle does not like me right now, but I don’t care. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest it. I have plans for Monday to have lunch with my Aunt. I hope she doesn’t cancel on me again. We have been rescheduling this meet up for months now. I know she wants to chat about my book and about me. I am kind of nervous about it because although she is family, we aren’t exactly close, least I don’t feel that way. Then again, even with my sisters I don’t feel “close”. Some days I feel more like an outsider than part of a family, and I live with them!

I have decided to look over the letter that I wrote to my therapist the other night. I am going to type it up and then “blog” it so she can read it and try to make sense out of it. I will send it to her, too. She like having an archive of my letters. She is a weirdo, that is for sure.

Day started off good…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Day started off good…

Well, my day started off good. I met a friend this morning for coffee and we chatted until her train came around 1115. It was so good talking to her in person. She is someone that I have known via email for years and we don’t get to see one another, in person, that often.

As my father is almost a week late for his blood draw, I decided to take him today, thinking we would be in and out. Wrong. We were there almost a half hour and I hadn’t eaten anything all day so I was getting grumpy. The grumps got worse as I hit every single red light on from the health care center to my house. Then the bastard decides he wants to go home after staying a half hour. I am like WTF. I could have taken him home and be done with him, but noooooo. He wanted to see my sister. I am so annoyed.

My therapist hasn’t texted me with an opening today so I am guessing I won’t have a chat with her. It would have been nice given the level of aggravation I am feeling right now. Plus, a fire alarm is beeping because it needs a new battery is making me more annoyed than I should be. We just changed them this year so I don’t know why the hell it is beeping, other than the fact my mother buys cheap batteries. I had something to eat as soon as I came home because I felt dizzy. All I had prior was my mocha and some cross buns. I couldn’t finish the cross bun because it was so dry and I didn’t have anything to drink with it. So I ate half and went to pick up dear old dad. I am such an idiot.

My friend and I talked about whether or not I am gay. I still call myself gay even though I have come out as being transgender because I like women. I don’t think I can call myself straight just yet. It is confusing me. Something to talk to my therapist about next week. I was supposed to see my pdoc tomorrow but she canceled on me. Had to reschedule because she won’t be in the office tomorrow at all. Nice. So I have a day of rest. I should just go to the post office to mail my book out to my editor. I was supposed to do that last week but things just kept popping up. It’s all packaged and ready to go, I just have to go to the post office to pay for shipping charges and I am done. I thought about doing it today but didn’t think I would be able to walk after my meeting with my friend. It turned out to be a good decision (though in hindsight, maybe I should have gone to the PO and avoided my father entirely). My ankle started acting up by the time I got home to get my sister’s car. I should have had something to eat then, but I wasn’t hungry. Oh well. My mother is making soup for supper. I hope the dizziness goes away by then.

I thought my blood pressure might be low because all I took today were my blood pressure meds. Nope, I am still pre-hypertensive. Probably because I had a bad day on the road. I was behind every moron in my state, they didn’t know where they were going. Some turned their left blinkers on and went right instead. I am like WTF. I swore the whole time I was in the car while singing to country music. That annoyed my father. Good!

I hate being in pain and not being able to take my pain meds. But I was driving and can’t risk being under the influence while driving, though with my blood sugar being low, I don’t think that was good either. Oh well. I was careful. I am home now and not going out again so I can safely take my meds. I shut my phone off because it was annoying me too. I kept on getting text messages every few minutes from the T, my public transportation system. It was telling me of delays. Well, that is good but I wasn’t using the system today, other than the morning. I really don’t care that the buses and trains are late now that I am home for the evening. I have a headache, that I am hoping will go away on its own. I am out of my headache pills but I know once I have something solid to eat, it most likely will go away. My stupid father had to hit me on the head, saying there was a mosquito in the waiting area of the lab. Yeah, right. Did I mention how much I can’t stand my father?? If I get possessed to take him somewhere again, please shoot me or knock me on my head or something!