Tag: chronic pain

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.

Therapy problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy problems

For most of the week I have been racking my brain to come up with something for therapy tomorrow. I thought these frustrated needs would be something to try, but the words are cumbersome and don’t give away their meaning by looking at it. You have to look it up, least I do to see what the hell I am talking about. And if I don’t know the meanings/understandings of these words, how is my therapist supposed to? I am just frustrated. I have been up since 0600 and I only got a few hours sleep last night so I think I am becoming hypomanic again. I don’t think the mood stabilizer is holding me anymore. I know I should be taking the morning dose but it makes me fucking sleepy. The night time dose keeps me awake and it’s the same medication, same milligrams, everything!! I don’t get it. Maybe taking 1200 mg at night is warranted rather than splitting it. I see my pdoc on Friday so will talk about it with her.

I am really pissed that I haven’t worked out this treatment plan. I was working on it earlier but my pen ran out of ink. Then I started working at home. I got the lists of the modal and vital needs. But the meaning of the words are lost on me. Some of them are straightforward, like validation and affiliation. But words like inviolacy and shame-avoidance need to be looked up. I will get it, it’s just a matter of memorizing and getting used to the terms. But I am tired and my brain is shot from having an anxiety attack mixed with the physical symptoms of depression. I felt like I had a weight on my chest and couldn’t breathe. Then my heart rate shot up because my pain did and I was a cooked goose. Trapped in my own skin, I couldn’t stand it. It took two hours for the Ativan to work and then when the pressure was off my chest, I was still shaky so took another one. I just had a big lunch so being low on blood sugar wasn’t the issue. I haven’t had dinner and really don’t feel like eating. I was thinking of making some eggs but I just don’t feel like cooking. Less calories after the big lunch I had.

I hate when pain causes me anxiety. Just thinking about it is giving me flashbacks. It was awful. The pain came out of no where in my foot. Next thing I know, I feel like this constriction and my heart feels like it was palpitating. I checked my BP and it was normal, as well as my pulse rate. The machine does both. But the heaviness in my chest was worse than the palpitations. I didn’t take my morning BP meds. I forgot as I left the house so early. I still haven’t taken my night meds yet. I am kind of afraid to as I could become more hyper and not sleep until the early morning hours.

I just hope my therapist isn’t upset with me that I didn’t get a treatment plan done. Shneidman has been giving me ideas, but they are complicated. Nothing is simple with this guy. He is a very verbose guy and uses old time language, meaning words that aren’t in every day usage. I frequently need a dictionary near me when reading his books because there will be a word I don’t understand. Course the same is true when I am reading “Dead Wake”. I mean, who uses a valise anymore?

I will get this blog done. It’s just going to take some time because it is a challenge. I just wish I didn’t hold it so close to my heart.

annoyed because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

There were a few options for dinner tonight that didn’t sound appealing to me. Escarole soup that was about a week old in the fridge, cold cut sandwich, or raviolis that were a few days old. I opted to order pizza because it was better than the choices above. My mother decided to cook liver and onions so the house smells like it, which further curbed my appetite. But I ordered pizza from Papa Johns along with some chicken poppers. The poppers were better than the pizza. There was too much sauce on the pizza and not enough cheese. I ate it anyway because I was hungry. The pizza smelled strongly of green peppers even though I didn’t order it. It was just another turn off to my horrible night of pain.

I had taken my shower and I was in horrid pain while I was showering. I had to sit down on the shower seat to ease some of the pain. Then when I got up, my right knee buckled. I almost lost my balance. Great just what I needed, a fall in the small shower stall. Luckily I didn’t fall, but my back was still in agony. Getting wiped off and dressed was fun. I had to sit to get dressed. There was no way I was going to try and stand to put on my underwear and PJs. I accomplished the task but not without severe pain. I don’t know why standing is giving me so many problems lately. This situation better correct itself because I need to get things done. I have to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. My PCP finally consented to giving me the nerve pain meds. He only gave me a month supply with no refills under the condition that I see my neurologist within the month. I hope that I can see her. What a fucking hassle. I almost laughed when the nurse said we “want to help you”. If you want to help me, give me my fucking meds! It’s as simple as that! Dammit.

I am in a wicked bad mood. It’s after 8 so I doubt there will be trick or treaters. Bells haven’t been ringing so my brother in law has been good with handing out candy. I am just irritated that I spent money on food and it wasn’t good. How hard is it to goof up pizza? Just makes me angry. And why couldn’t my mother wait till tomorrow to make the stupid liver and onions? I hate that smell more than when she makes mushrooms. And she never lights a candle or open a window when she cooks. So the smells just permeate throughout the house. Just annoys me. I know part of me being annoyed is that I am in pain and I can’t fix it. Meds are helping but they make me sleepy. And when I am sleepy, I just want to sleep and not do anything.

I haven’t taken any pain meds today so that could be another reason why I am so grumpy. I also haven’t taken any of my muscle relaxers to prevent the damn spasms. Just another reason for me to be annoyed. My mother bought powered donuts so I was happy about that, for a little while. Little things seems to bring me joy but it doesn’t last long. It never lasts long. It’s just like the coffee I drink. It brings me joy until I finish my drink. Then I am sad again.

I got another Shneidman quote for tonight’s quote of the day. I had to take out “committed” and put “dies by” because it is the correct language to use. He uses “committed” suicide a lot. But then, the changes didn’t occur until after he passed away.

I’m feeling kind of suicidal right now. I won’t do anything but I just wish I was dead. Just like that, poof, I am gone. I have no reason to be in this world. I am not a great writer. I am really sarcastic. I got to edit my “Knackered” paper. I have to put in a medical clause in it so I don’t get sued because people take me seriously. Or maybe I will just leave it, I don’t know. I am just so annoyed right now that I just don’t care. Had to shut off Luke Bryan. Music is annoying me too. Maybe I am getting a migraine. I think it’s more because I am in pain and I can’t do anything about it. The pain isn’t severe pain, like that of what I usually feel with my ankle. It’s more of a dull ache that just won’t go away. I have taken my NSAID today because I didn’t eat anything solid. I have to have a full meal when I take it and half a sandwich wouldn’t cut it. I will take it with my night meds because I had the pizza and chicken for dinner. The pain is in the middle of my back and like I said, it’s a dull pain, not sharp or stabbing. Kind of makes it difficult to treat because you don’t know the cause and you don’t know what will be helpful. I found out that warm water was not helpful at all and just caused my back to hurt more while I was taking a shower. So much for that easing the tension.

But I really just don’t want to be anymore. There is nothing in my life that I am looking forward to. Everything is a hassle and I don’t like it.

Can’t do anything

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t do anything

I tried to go out today and failed. I wanted to get my prescription and a snack at Walgreens but my back was just hurting too bad. I don’t know what I did. It started when it rained and it still is hurting be, even though the rain stopped. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the left over sandwich from last night. But that was at 0530. I haven’t eaten nothing since then. My mother is cooking so I just have to wait for it to be done. She is making fish and sweet potatoes with spinach I think. I don’t care, I will eat anything at this point. I also have not had anything to drink. I was able to make myself a glass of ice tea but that was all. I will have more when supper is ready.

So much for walking down the street to get donuts. I have been thinking about them all day but I am still hurt with my back. Maybe it is a good thing that I can’t have them right now.

I finally got the October issue of the Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal. It has an article about CAMS and I can’t wait to read it.

I just got a call from my PCP’s office. They wanted to talk to me about a medication I requested to get filled because I don’t take it every day. Long explanation shortened, they need to talk to my doctor and then possibly see my neurologist. I don’t understand what the problem is. I have been on this drug for years now and never had a problem getting it refilled. It just frustrates me. It’s not even a narcotic so why there is trouble refilling it, is beyond my understanding. And of course it is Friday so I won’t have any answers until next week. I am glad I called when I did because I might run out before this is settled.

I am so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. I wish I could say I slept but my mother was fucking calling me every two hours to see how I was. I should have turned my phone off. Now my back is hurting me more because I attempted to go out and had some dinner. I just want to sleep. And read Harry Potter. I hope my back is better by tomorrow. It sucks not being able to get around.