Tag: chronic pain

Demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Demons are out tonight

 

I am feeling frustrated for many reason, one of which is that I can’t seem to get to sleep despite being really tired. I just am not sleepy enough for sleep. The other part is that I am slightly suicidal because my menses have returned and there is nothing I can do about it until next week. I should have stopped the pill on Sunday when I had some discharge on Saturday but didn’t think it was anything. HA I was wrong. I am so mad at myself. I feel like ending it because I hate being a woman. No amount of talking about it is going to change that fact. I feel disgusted with myself.

 

For the past half hour, I have been thinking more about talking to the Twitter buddy of mine to see if he can recommend someone for me. Thing is, I don’t know what kind of therapist I want. I really don’t want a DBT therapist. I really don’t want any therapist other than the one I am seeing. My therapist wants me to see someone face to face. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing someone and then have them reject me because of my past suicidal history. And the fact that I still have suicidal thoughts still puts me at high risk. No therapist wants that. I am so frustrated. I know that I just need to get a zipcar and see my therapist at least once a month. I think that will satisfy her need to see me. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so hopeless about it.

 

I asked a good friend of mine to get his input on the situation. I don’t know what he will say. I feel like giving up at this point. The “why bothers” have kicked in, which is part of the reason I can’t fucking sleep. I feel so sad. I have my fucking menses, I am in pain because my ankle is a jerk, and I just feel suicidal because I can be. I also have been feeling really paranoid. I took my perphenazine earlier tonight. That took away some of the voices and stuff until I got a damn migraine that blinded me. Half my face went throbbing and I couldn’t see because it affected my eyesight. All I could do was be in the dark until the meds worked. This was around 2030. It’s now past 0100. I am so damn tired of living in pain. I am tired of being psychotic because I am stressed out. Between world events and my PCP leaving, it just caused me to be stressed out. Whenever I get stressed, I have a psychotic break. I still believe aliens are controlling those bad people. I can’t call them by the group because I am being monitored by the FBI. Today while at the bus stop, a bag was left by itself. I grew more paranoid that a bomb was in it. Then when the bus came, my bus, the owner of the bag took it. I was ready to call the police because it was just sitting there by its lonesome self. Why do people do that?? It really scared me. Then the voices started and the hallucinations that I was being watched began. I can’t shake that I am being watched and the voices aren’t helping me. I don’t feel safe anymore and I want to die. I don’t want to be in a world where there are aliens that want to control you and make you do bad things to people. I have known this for months now. No one believes me and I find this so sad. It really hurts. I don’t think my therapist believes me, and she is the closest thing I have to a best friend at the moment.

 

This is why I can’t see anyone else. Another therapist is just going to think that I suffer from delusions and that I am paranoid. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I wish should would respond to my damn emails. Maybe I should page her but it’s past 0100. She will be worried if I page her at this hour. But I can’t sleep. Maybe I should take another Ativan. It might calm me down enough to get some sleep. I don’t want to take another trilafon or it will mess with my bowels. I won’t go and that will be a problem. I am not doing anything today. Only thing on the agenda is to call my friend and see if he would like to have dinner one day next week or the end of this week. I really want to go to my favorite Thai restaurant and have my favorite food. I already know what I want so there is no reason to look at the menu. Spring rolls, Pad Thai, Curry Puffs, and drunken chicken to go. I will have the drunken chicken for lunch the following day. I think I have rice, if not I will buy some.

 

What is really troubling me is that I will have to deal with the menses situation for two weeks instead of one. Sure I can stop the pill now but that will mean having to start the pill again on a Tuesday and I really would hate that. I like having it on Sunday so I don’t screw up. I am such an idiot. Next time, first time of any bleeding I am stopping the pill on Sunday. This is all my fault. I should really be punished somehow. I’d kick my ass but I can’t reach that far behind myself. I am such a fucking idiot.

 

I have decided to not go on Facebook anymore. All I am doing is hiding stupid shit. People are getting really racist and I don’t like it. They keep comparing the Jewish people of WWII to the Syrian refugees. It’s killing me because the US is not accepting them in some states. Then they are saying that our vets need homes because they are homeless. I agree on that front. Our military should be taken cared of first and foremost. Why provide housing to these refugees when our former military are living in the streets. It’s a dire situation. It angers me that no one cares, especially our presidential nominees. They all should go to hell for allowing the military to lose their homes. Pisses me off.

 

Then today I read that people aren’t taking Borderline personality disorder seriously. Hell some even confused it with Bipolar disorder. OMG are you fucking serious? They are not the same. One is an Axis I diagnosis (bipolar disorder),  the second is an Axis II diagnosis (BPD). What really pisses me off is when they use BPD for bipolar! It’s BP!!! I wish they kept the manic depressive diagnosis rather than call it fucking bipolar. It doesn’t denote the illness at all. Another pisser today that has my underwear in a twist, so to speak.

 

So the reason the demons are out tonight is because I have my menses, I am suicidal, and psychotic. In the mean time, I can’t fucking sleep. No sleep, more aggravation. Think I will listen to some piano sonatas to try and calm down along with taking an Ativan.

Mr. Misunderstood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mr. Misunderstood

I have been feeling misunderstood and paranoid lately. Voices have been ramping up as well. I emailed my pdoc but haven’t heard back. Ten bucks says she’ll says “come in” meaning hospital. I don’t want to go to the hospital. They won’t be able to help me feel safe in my own skin. I know it’s just the stress of current events and my PCP leaving that has me stressed out. Every time I am stressed, I become psychotic. This song best reflects how I feel. I plan on getting his album next week when I get paid. I have previewed his songs on his new album and I like the tone of it. I am not a big Eric Church fan. There have been only one or two songs of his that I like. Springsteen is one of them. I forget the name of the other one I like. Something to do with hometowns.

I woke up at 0130 this morning after going to bed around 2000. I took a shower. It was the first time taking a shower since my mother cleaned it and I slipped a few times. I think that is why my ankle is hurting me. I have to fix the laces of my sneakers to the “loop” method that my physiatrist did. My foot kept slipping and I think that is why it is hurting. I also need to get another ace brace as the one I had is missing. It also is too tight because my foot is so swollen. I think that will help. I need to do something to try and keep it stable. I have been bad wearing it, which is why the thing is missing. I know it’s in my room, hiding under something. When I am not looking for it, it will emerge.

I am very tired. I had two caffeinated drinks today, a coffee and a mocha. It’s not helping the tired feeling. I think I am getting a migraine. I have been feeling nauseous the past hour and had a low level headache for most of the day. My vision keeps cutting out on me every so often so I know something is brewing. I wish I could sleep for hours and hours. It’s so painful to be awake these days, either physically or mentally. I really feel out of sorts when I don’t sleep. It makes everything worse, the depression, the voices, the paranoia. I only feel safe if I am in my house. Today, while on the bus ride home, I know the woman next to me was reading my thoughts and cursing me because I was sitting next to her. The bus was crowded and I had to sit. I can’t stand because of my ankle. She doesn’t know this. She just thinks I am fine, like everybody else. I don’t walk with a limp or give any indication that I am disabled. It just sucks that I am treated this way, even if it was the voices saying all this stuff. I bumped into this lady before. She is a high-strung person. Very anxious and pushy. She makes me nervous just being around her. I guess that is why I felt all paranoid around her. But I also felt like every person was staring at me on the bus. I hate crowded buses.

If I have to go in the hospital, which will only be if the voices get worse, I will try to wait till after Thanksgiving, even though the holiday is causing me a little bit of stress. We only have one working stove in the house because my sister’s kitchen is being renovated. Going to be interesting to see what gets cooked and what doesn’t. I doubt my brother in law is going to make his gravy. It sucks anyways but you can’t tell him that. He thinks his cooking is superb, just like my father. Unlike my father, he works his ass off to provide for his family.

Talked with my therapist today about one of the blogs I wrote. It was hard to tell if she was concerned or not. I don’t think she believed me, like the rest of the blog world. I guess that is why I am feeling most misunderstood. If she doesn’t believe me, I don’t know if I can trust her. She kept asking me if I was taking my medication. I am, said it over and over. Then she wanted me to add some meds and I was against that. She asked if I sent the blog to my pdoc and I told her I did but she didn’t respond like I knew she wouldn’t. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I never know. I wish I had read receipts for email but I don’t. I used to when I had work email. I sometimes miss the perks of working at an academic hospital.

Today was the first day that things were normal and not strained between my therapist and I. She did bring up getting an adjunct therapist but I told her I really don’t think it will work out. I would seriously need a solid referral to someone that is taking new patients and will be able to deal with my difficulties, as well as take my insurance. I still don’t know how that will work out. I really would love to have sessions with the suicidal consultant I was seeing when I had good insurance. Now he doesn’t take my current insurance so I am screwed. I hate the new insurance but the hospital went with PPOs and I had no choice but to take it. The other plans offered my therapist didn’t take and I didn’t want to get stuck having to get a referral for all the doctors that I see.

I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop tomorrow but it depends on my ankle. Might have to wait things out with the paranoia as well. I hate the feeling of being watched all the time. It sucks.

grumpy sour mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Grumpy Sour Mood

I have been in a mood since I woke up this morning. I just feel hopeless that this pain that I have is ever going to go away. I have been dealing with it for a week now and it’s only bringing me down and down. Today when I woke up again in pain, I just said fuck it, and took some pain meds to go back to sleep. I had my mother make me breakfast. I wanted an omelet and I don’t know how to make one. I had it with toast as my appetite has been increased due to the extra Gabapentin that I have been taking. I thought about making coffee but knew I would be going to sleep soon so didn’t. I woke up in the afternoon. Pain was minimal so decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I ended up getting some snacks and a yogurt. I haven’t had yogurt in a long time. It’s on my grocery list for next week I am glad that they had it in stock. Lately, whenever I want something specific, they don’t have it.

I didn’t go out today. I planned on showering but that still hasn’t happened yet. It probably will sometime tonight. I hope it helps this mood that I am in. I hate being grumpy. But being in pain takes a lot out of you, mentally and physically. It’s hard to keep up a good mood when you are feeling so lousy, not to say that I am in always in a good mood. I am not ever in a good mood for long. Probably as long as a good cup of coffee lasts. Then it’s back to the dumps.

I just checked my stats and looks like someone posted one of my blogs on Pinterest. I don’t even know what that website is about. And I can’t find out what blog it is because you have to sign in and I don’t have an account nor do I want one. It really bothers me when someone posts my work on another site and doesn’t bother to tell me. I don’t mind people reblogging my stuff, but when they post it outside of wordpress without my knowledge, I have a problem with that. I know it shouldn’t bother me because I have taken stuff and posted websites to Facebook or something. I can’t count the number of times I have used the Spoon Theory’s website to try and explain to people what it’s like living with a chronic illness. My blog is the same. They just take my website and post it. I just wish I knew what blog got posted so I know. It is just frustrating.

I tried my first check deposit by phone. I am waiting for it to go through. I hope it does or I will have to make a trip to the bank tomorrow, which will be no big deal, just extra walking. I have been weary of my steps since my flare up. Even now, I am hurting just walking to Walgreens and that is just a few blocks from my house.

Doc’s Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Doc’s Rant

I received a letter today from my doctor’s office. Apparently, he is leaving the practice. I have worked with this guy for more than ten years. Now I got to work with someone I have never met. She is only interim until they find a replacement for my doc, but still, I have to work with someone new in dealing with my pain issues. I hope that she doesn’t give me a hard time about my pain meds and that I don’t have to have a three day supply because she is a “new” doc. My state just passed a law that all new patients on pain meds must have a three day supply of meds before becoming established. If that is the case, I am fucking screwed. I can’t survive a month on three days worth of pills. It’s not like I am technically a new patient as she is in the same practice as my doc but I will be new to her. I don’t know how this is going to work and it’s giving me tremendous anxiety. I feel like I should have killed myself last month so I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.

I think I am going to have to make an appointment to see him anyways because my left eyelid is extremely itchy and dry. I feel like tearing it off, though I might just scratch it off. I don’t know if it’s dry because I have dry eyes or because I am chronically dehydrated. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is orange all the time. I just don’t drink a lot because I am afraid of peeing myself. I will usually have my 16 ounce coffee and then a 16 ounce drink, usually iced tea or lemonade with lunch/dinner and that will be all that I drink for the day. I might have more if I am thirsty but I never really get thirsty unless I am active. I will have sips of powerade when I take my meds. My night meds I tend to drink at least 4 ounces just to make sure I wash those suckers down. One of the pills I take is the size of a penny and I always have difficulty swallowing it so I always make sure to drink a lot to make sure it goes down. It’s usually the first pill I take so the others follow. I have a weird system of taking my meds but it works for me.

I don’t know what I am going to do with this new doctor. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I tried looking her up on the practice’s website and of course, there is no information at all. I know she has been around the practice for a while because I have been at the hospital a long time before becoming disabled. I just never had her as a covering doc before, even if my doc wasn’t available. I usually got someone else in the practice. I like my doc because he is a good doc. He cares. Now I don’t know what I am going to do. If I don’t get my meds, they might as well sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide. The pain will just be too much like it has been tonight. I should be knocked out but the pain is still keeping me up. I can take another dose of meds in about an hour. I hated that I missed out on my sister’s party.

Someone gave my crazy cousin my number. She immediately asked if I had meds. That is one reason why I don’t keep in contact with her. She is looking for meds all the time, either to take or to sell. I can’t be associated with her. She is so pathological it’s not funny. I especially don’t like her because I told her about my voices and she made fun of me with her boyfriend one time. She is a jerk and always wanting attention. I hope she never calls me. I won’t answer the phone, now that I have her number. Just pisses me off because she used to be my favorite cousin and now she is scum. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with my father tonight. He is the last person I wanted to see today. I had enough of him yesterday.

My new favorite song is by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. It is so fitting because I always feel like I am misunderstood. I even changed my Twitter name to the name of the song. I just hope the new doc understands chronic pain and is understanding. Otherwise, we are going to have problems. I really don’t want to have problems. It will just send me into a tailspin of depression. I am so nervous about seeing this woman. I haven’t had a woman PCP in years, not that gender matters. But the thing is, I just told my doc that I am transgender and that took a lot for me to tell him because I have been keeping it from him for at least three years now. And then he leaves? How am I supposed to process this??