Tag: chronic pain

Saturday Blog 37

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 37

I got my haircut today. It’s a little shorter than I usually get it but I like it. It’s totally a military cut. My mother is going to fucking flip when she see me. So far I haven’t seen her yet. I need to take a shower to get the excess hair off me before I start itching. I really don’t want to shower but I need to.

My night went okay. I slept pretty good, until about 0640. I woke up in pain so had to take some pain meds. When I woke up, I was still in pain. Found out it was raining so that is the reason for my pain. I hurt every time it rains. I checked the status of my pain meds and found it still wasn’t ready to be picked up. I thought that was kind of odd so called the pharmacy. The pharmacy changed their policy for long term opioid use and needs a damn diagnosis code from the doctor in order to process the order. It’s the damn weekend and they closed early yesterday so I am screwed till Monday. Just fucking great. I still have enough pills to get me through until Monday but still, the aggravation of not getting my pills on time kills me. I also had a bad dream where someone picked up my meds so I was screwed. The terror of this happening was so real it woke me up. I had a mini anxiety attack. But it didn’t happen. I know people where there does happen. And it’s totally the pharmacy’s fault for not giving it to the right person, in my opinion. Now I need to make sure my doc writes down the diagnosis code on my script when I get it filled. I am so angry that I have to wait because of a technicality.

I don’t know if I will be going to the party tonight. It’s at 1800. I hate late parties. If my ankle isn’t better, I am not going. I am not going to stay at a party and put on a “happy” face while I am in pain. Just walking to the barber shop and back hurt, and it was literally just a block and a half from my house. I hate not being able to walk this distance without pain.

My Amazon stuff that I ordered came in. I have my Combos snacks, a couple of movies, and a couple of books. One is the Outsiders which I haven’t read since I was a kid. I love the movie and the book. I love all of S.E. Hinton’s books. I follow her on Twitter, too. She is an amazing person. But before I can read this new book, I have to finish the other book I started on the Civil War.

I bought a book about suicide risk management. I bought it because it has the paper that I wanted by someone and now I can’t remember what the paper or the author was called. Looking through the chapters didn’t jog my memory. I will have to read the last paper I read and see if that stirs up the memory. I got it cheap, only $5 and it was the last copy on Amazon.

After the attack on that Planned Parenthood place, I really don’t think America has to worry about outside terrorists. They just have to worry about its own citizens causing the terror and shooting up places. And the more that nothing gets done about these attacks, the more it’s going to get the Americans jaded to it as it’s becoming more common than not. Aliens have nothing to do with the American people. They are just gun loving. They also don’t seek power like the aliens do. They just shoot up a place and then usually die by cop. I really think it’s going to take a senator or congressperson’s son or daughter to get killed in these attacks in order for change to occur. Until then, it’s going to happen randomly across America. I know I will stay home more because as much as I am suicidal, that is not how I want to go.

Pain in the thigh and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain in the thigh and other things

I still feel low and in the dumps. As expected, my therapist told me all the reasons why I should be living. She even wants me to publish the blog I wrote last night. I don’t know why. I don’t think it’s any good. But then, it has so many hits today that it must be good. People don’t read something bad. I just feel like I am wasting my time living and all I can do is express myself the best I know how.

I did the errand for my father. I was walking with a cane because my leg is not feeling so good. I had twitches last night and it left it sore as hell. I can barely walk. He laughed when he saw me with the cane. That is my father for you. He only cares about himself and that is all. I feel worse after my excursion to his house and back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just know I really didn’t want to go to his place tomorrow so I did it today. Now I am hurting more and all I want to do is take my pain meds and go to sleep.

Groceries came today. Putting them away was the start of my agony. I was walking all over the house putting the groceries here and there where they belonged. The fridge was full so I had limited space to put my refrigerated items. I got “permission” to eat my pumpkin pie as my sister is making one. I think that will be my dinner. I was going to make my steak but I don’t feel like cooking. I haven’t eaten too much today. I had a yogurt, some cottage cheese, and a pop tart. Now I feel like puking. I don’t even think I am going to go over my sister’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I really don’t want to be around anyone. I am just feeling so miserable.

This thigh pain that I am feeling really scared me. It reminded me about the time nine years ago I had my surgery. It took months to get it back to functioning. My therapist called it PTSD as I had an anxiety attack about an hour and a half before our session. The pain was so bad that it just caused anxiety for me. I told her about my feelings last night where I wanted to drink alcohol after I took my night meds. I thought better of it as whiskey and baclofen probably would not be a good idea. I hadn’t taken any pain meds because I wasn’t in any pain. I just had this twitching going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from her. I also emailed her my story. I did take some Ativan too to stop the damn twitching after it went on for about two and half hours. I am so sick of worrying whether I am going to get cauda equina syndrome again or not. Every time I have some weird pain in my leg, I freak out and panic. I have been on edge all day. But the pain isn’t radiating and it’s not affecting my bowels or bladder. I have to go through a checklist every single time I get pain in my leg or back. If I don’t have this then I don’t have that. It’s awful. That is why I can never recover from PTSD. I am always triggered.

My heaviness in my heart is still there. The fact that I have found a song that equates my feelings perfectly helps. Jennifer Nettles just came out with a new song called “unlove you”. It’s another good sad song. But it doesn’t touch me as much as “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. My therapist today was quiet most of the time. She really wanted to listen to me today though she wanted to go off on me. I don’t think she can tolerate my sadness. It brings her to want to do something to help me but there is nothing that she can do. Listening to her when she did speak did help me. It gave me some hope that there might be a tomorrow. I can’t tolerate today. It’s too painful.

A childhood friend of mine posted a meme about transgender. It was something like we shouldn’t make processed foods so why should we have processed people, meaning transgenders. It was that most offensive thing I have ever seen. I stopped following him. He has been irritating me for a while now and now I have to unfollow him because of his ignorance. This is part of the reason why I don’t seek treatment. I am too afraid of the discrimination I will face.

Love of Cousins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Love of cousins

Yesterday, I went over my cousins that I haven’t seen in a long time. Usually we see each other for special birthdays or some other special occasion. We don’t see each other often enough. One of my cousins gave me a special gift yesterday. I am now the owner of a replica World Series ring of the 2013 Boston Red Sox! I am wearing it as I type this. It is heavy. But I love it just the same. I nearly had a coronary in the car when my cousin gave me the ring. She knows I love the Red Sox very much. I have more Red Sox things than I have any other Boston sports team. I own just one Patriots hat. I lost interest in the Celtics when Larry Bird retired (more than twenty years ago) and I don’t care for hockey. All I know about the Bruins is what I read on Twitter or Facebook. But the Sox to me are special. I have been a fan since I was a little kid and that hasn’t changed. Even when they suck, I still love them. My cousin knows this. I will always treasure this gift. I might not wear it publicly, only because it is huge and heavy, but I will wear it in the house.

I slept late today, a rarity. I woke up around 0530 and miraculously, I was able to get back to sleep around 0600. Yesterday was a difficult for me, mostly last night. I feel like I am a failure in my mother’s eyes because I don’t do much around the house. I would try but I know that it hurts so I don’t. My mother telling my cousin that I was basically a lazy ass did not sit well with me. My cousin wasn’t judging me at all. She knows that I suffer from chronic pain and she knows a little something about it because she has fibro.

Last night I was in bad shape. My mother got me very upset. I think between the sleep deprivation and being up all day, I was more vulnerable to her attacks. Normally she doesn’t get under my skin. I really wanted to die last night. I even thought of going in the hospital just to get away from her. But I feel now that will be giving in to her suspicions that I am not well. And that will infuriate her. She doesn’t get my mental illness at all. She thinks I should just let things roll off my back or not think about things. Even more damaging, she thinks I should “talk” to her. I tried talking to her when I was 10 and suicidal. I got no response. So why should I try talking to her now? She doesn’t understand my pain, my depressions, my insomnia. None of it. Hell, she didn’t even want to read my book that I wrote. I don’t even know if she read the New York Times article I wrote. If that isn’t a shun, I don’t know what is.

I need to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really don’t feel like leaving the house. It’s cold, damp, and raw outside. Of course, what do you expect in November? The days of it being warm are over. I am not in pain at the moment. But I am afraid that if I walk to and back might cause my ankle to hate me. I really need to get PJs that I can also wear outside. I have sweat pants but it’s the idea of getting dressed that stresses me out. I hate the indecision of picking something to wear, of which socks to wear. I am glad I only have one good pair of sneakers otherwise I doubt I would never leave the house. I would never decide which pair to choose from. Some days it’s easier to just throw something on and leave the house. But days like today, I am dreading it. I just want to listen to Adele and Eric Church and just stay under the covers.

My menses are slowing down. I am going to ask the pharmacist, if I do go to Walgreens, if I can restart the pack today. Course, that will mean I have four pills that I just am not using. I never should have stopped mid-week but I had no choice. I really didn’t want two weeks of bleeding. Just talking about this makes me feel so low. I feel so degraded. I know no woman looks forward to that time of the month but it’s different when you are transgender. I have put up with so much. I just wish I was dead so I don’t have to deal with this at all anymore. I feel so alone. Other than my blog, there is no one I can really “bitch” to about this. I know that this particular mense breakthrough has caused increased suicidality more so than at any other time. It’s just so difficult. Other than my sisters, I haven’t really told a “real” person about my TG. My therapist and my psychiatrist know but they are not people I see every day. But then, there are no people that I see everyday other than my family. I feel so isolated. I know part of it is my own doing. I don’t reach out to people. I could blame my paranoia, especially now as things have kicked up a notch since the Paris attacks. I just don’t feel safe anymore. And I don’t even think being on a locked ward of a hospital will help.

Demons are out tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Demons are out tonight

 

I am feeling frustrated for many reason, one of which is that I can’t seem to get to sleep despite being really tired. I just am not sleepy enough for sleep. The other part is that I am slightly suicidal because my menses have returned and there is nothing I can do about it until next week. I should have stopped the pill on Sunday when I had some discharge on Saturday but didn’t think it was anything. HA I was wrong. I am so mad at myself. I feel like ending it because I hate being a woman. No amount of talking about it is going to change that fact. I feel disgusted with myself.

 

For the past half hour, I have been thinking more about talking to the Twitter buddy of mine to see if he can recommend someone for me. Thing is, I don’t know what kind of therapist I want. I really don’t want a DBT therapist. I really don’t want any therapist other than the one I am seeing. My therapist wants me to see someone face to face. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing someone and then have them reject me because of my past suicidal history. And the fact that I still have suicidal thoughts still puts me at high risk. No therapist wants that. I am so frustrated. I know that I just need to get a zipcar and see my therapist at least once a month. I think that will satisfy her need to see me. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so hopeless about it.

 

I asked a good friend of mine to get his input on the situation. I don’t know what he will say. I feel like giving up at this point. The “why bothers” have kicked in, which is part of the reason I can’t fucking sleep. I feel so sad. I have my fucking menses, I am in pain because my ankle is a jerk, and I just feel suicidal because I can be. I also have been feeling really paranoid. I took my perphenazine earlier tonight. That took away some of the voices and stuff until I got a damn migraine that blinded me. Half my face went throbbing and I couldn’t see because it affected my eyesight. All I could do was be in the dark until the meds worked. This was around 2030. It’s now past 0100. I am so damn tired of living in pain. I am tired of being psychotic because I am stressed out. Between world events and my PCP leaving, it just caused me to be stressed out. Whenever I get stressed, I have a psychotic break. I still believe aliens are controlling those bad people. I can’t call them by the group because I am being monitored by the FBI. Today while at the bus stop, a bag was left by itself. I grew more paranoid that a bomb was in it. Then when the bus came, my bus, the owner of the bag took it. I was ready to call the police because it was just sitting there by its lonesome self. Why do people do that?? It really scared me. Then the voices started and the hallucinations that I was being watched began. I can’t shake that I am being watched and the voices aren’t helping me. I don’t feel safe anymore and I want to die. I don’t want to be in a world where there are aliens that want to control you and make you do bad things to people. I have known this for months now. No one believes me and I find this so sad. It really hurts. I don’t think my therapist believes me, and she is the closest thing I have to a best friend at the moment.

 

This is why I can’t see anyone else. Another therapist is just going to think that I suffer from delusions and that I am paranoid. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I wish should would respond to my damn emails. Maybe I should page her but it’s past 0100. She will be worried if I page her at this hour. But I can’t sleep. Maybe I should take another Ativan. It might calm me down enough to get some sleep. I don’t want to take another trilafon or it will mess with my bowels. I won’t go and that will be a problem. I am not doing anything today. Only thing on the agenda is to call my friend and see if he would like to have dinner one day next week or the end of this week. I really want to go to my favorite Thai restaurant and have my favorite food. I already know what I want so there is no reason to look at the menu. Spring rolls, Pad Thai, Curry Puffs, and drunken chicken to go. I will have the drunken chicken for lunch the following day. I think I have rice, if not I will buy some.

 

What is really troubling me is that I will have to deal with the menses situation for two weeks instead of one. Sure I can stop the pill now but that will mean having to start the pill again on a Tuesday and I really would hate that. I like having it on Sunday so I don’t screw up. I am such an idiot. Next time, first time of any bleeding I am stopping the pill on Sunday. This is all my fault. I should really be punished somehow. I’d kick my ass but I can’t reach that far behind myself. I am such a fucking idiot.

 

I have decided to not go on Facebook anymore. All I am doing is hiding stupid shit. People are getting really racist and I don’t like it. They keep comparing the Jewish people of WWII to the Syrian refugees. It’s killing me because the US is not accepting them in some states. Then they are saying that our vets need homes because they are homeless. I agree on that front. Our military should be taken cared of first and foremost. Why provide housing to these refugees when our former military are living in the streets. It’s a dire situation. It angers me that no one cares, especially our presidential nominees. They all should go to hell for allowing the military to lose their homes. Pisses me off.

 

Then today I read that people aren’t taking Borderline personality disorder seriously. Hell some even confused it with Bipolar disorder. OMG are you fucking serious? They are not the same. One is an Axis I diagnosis (bipolar disorder),  the second is an Axis II diagnosis (BPD). What really pisses me off is when they use BPD for bipolar! It’s BP!!! I wish they kept the manic depressive diagnosis rather than call it fucking bipolar. It doesn’t denote the illness at all. Another pisser today that has my underwear in a twist, so to speak.

 

So the reason the demons are out tonight is because I have my menses, I am suicidal, and psychotic. In the mean time, I can’t fucking sleep. No sleep, more aggravation. Think I will listen to some piano sonatas to try and calm down along with taking an Ativan.