Tag: chronic pain

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.

Scared and Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scared and Nervous

My left leg is still giving me grief. I thought it was getting better but that was a false feeling of security. My mother had some shopping done yesterday and I went up and down the stairs more than a few times. It aggravated my leg. Now the pain won’t stop and I can barely stand up straight. Last night, my leg was twitching again. I am freaking out. The last time I felt this way, I had cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what I am going to do if I have it again. Last night I dreamt all I needed was physical therapy. I wish that was the treatment for it. My psychiatrist wrote back to me. She thinks it could just be sciatica. I have never known sciatica to be on the front of a leg, but it is possible I guess. Still, with my back problems, I would like to have an MRI to make sure that I am okay.

Going down the stairs is awful. I am in so much pain. Going up, not so much. Seems whenever I flex my thigh, it hurts really bad. I will be calling my doc today, after my therapist appointment. I hope I can be seen today. Tomorrow will suck because I have to deal with dear old father. I refuse to call him a “dad” because he never acted like one. He doesn’t deserve the title.

I have been up since 0500. I woke up around two hours ago but was able to get back to sleep. But now the pain has come back and I was hungry so I stayed up. I was able to brush my teeth and then have a bowl of cereal. I just took some pain meds to try and get my pain under control. I am so nervous about this being a bad omen that I can’t really sleep. The anxiety of not knowing is killing me. I wish you could just walk in an MRI place and just get an MRI instead of going to a doctor. That would make life so much easier. But you need money to do that and I don’t have it.

I hope that my insurances cover the cost of the MRI. I really don’t want a bill. That is what I am most worried about. I am worried about that more than I am about what is wrong with me. Then if I need surgery, I think I might forego the medicare part and just use my BCBS. I really don’t want to get stuck with a bill for surgery, if I need it. Course, if I do need surgery, I think I will try and kill myself. There is no way I will have back surgery for the 5th time.

I saw my doctor today for my leg pain. They just told me to take Neurontin and follow up with my neurosurgeon. Why they couldn’t order MRIs is beyond my train of thought. I feel like they were passing the buck. It wasn’t my normal doctor that I saw today. He wasn’t available. I see him next week anyways. I am sure I could probably coach him on ordering an MRI. Damn idiots. I knew I should have gone to the ER on Sunday. They would have done the scan.

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Can’t Find My Beanie Hat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t find my Beanie hat

Since getting my new haircut, my head has been cold and I need a hat to keep warm. I thought it would be the perfect time to wear a beanie hat but I can’t locate the thing. I think I gave it away because I didn’t like the way if fit or never really wore it. That was when I had hair. Now I am just down to less than a whiffle so I think a beanie hat would be perfect to wear. But it’s missing. It will turn up when I am looking for something else. I don’t even know where my knitted hats are. I will need to find them as winter is approaching. In searching for the beanie hat, I have found many swim trunks. Now if I ever go swimming, I have several pairs. I also found a pair of scrub pants that I thought were gone. They are a cranberry color and they are my favorite. I don’t know if they still fit as I have gained weight since buying them. They will make nice pjs in the winter, if they do fit.

I slept really late today. I couldn’t believe I slept till 1030. I had breakfast and then read some more of the Civil War book. While I was reading it, I forgot to take my morning dose of my blood pressure pills. Another missed dose as it’s too late to take it now. I meant to take it when I got up but forgot. I turned off the app alarm telling me to take it and it just slipped my mind. I hate taking morning pills for this reason.

My butt is still hurting me today. I had another movement and that caused me some pain. I wish there was something I can take for it but there is nothing. I just have to wait till it passes. It sucks. Nerve pain has to be the worse kind of pain there is because narcs don’t touch it at all. And that just makes it worse as far as constipation goes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to labor my movement this morning. That just makes the pain worse. I have been having bowel cramps the past hour or so. I think I might have another run at going. Just hope it doesn’t kill me.

It’s been three weeks now since I bought Eric Church’s newest CD. I am glad it’s on my MP3 player because otherwise I might have worn it out. I haven’t listened to nothing else. I have thrown in a couple of Carrie Underwood songs but the majority of the music is Church. I just love this album and can’t go back to anything else. If I am not listening to it, the songs run in my head. It doesn’t run in a psychotic way but the songs will shuffle through. I have thought about throwing in his song “Springsteen” but that will mess up the tempo of the CD. It like an addiction right now. I know eventually I will go back to the other music I bought but right now I need Church’s music. I can’t explain it.

I was emailing a friend of mine that also has CES. We kind of bitch to one another about the pain that we are in as we understand what the other is going through. She has been such a good support to me through the years. She lives in my state so we have seen each other a couple of times. I think we last met in May or June of this year after the horrible winter we had. It took until then for the commuter rail to get back to a normal schedule. The T has been “winterizing” the trains, though I have no idea how they are doing this. They show pics on the Twitter feed about what they are doing but I don’t know how that is going to help. I just hope this winter is not as bad as last year. It’s warm today so that is a good sign we are not going to be having a crappy winter. I think we can’t have another brutal season because last year it was already cold in December and just got worse through March. I know that I have to come up with some kind of walking thing at home in case I get snowed in for a week or two. Last time I spent most of February in the house and when I started walking, my calves cramped up pretty good because I was using them. I really don’t want to go through that again as it was awful.

I haven’t had lunch yet. I was going to order out but my funds are short. Turns out the order I placed never charged me and so I didn’t have the money I thought I had. I am glad I didn’t make a withdrawal or I would be in the red. I still don’t have the stuff I ordered. It won’t come for another two weeks. The place I ordered from charged my account for each item I ordered. It totally confused the hell out of me because I didn’t make transactions in a few days. I hate when you order stuff and they break up the purchases. Drives me nuts. Amazon will sometimes do that, too.