Tag: chronic pain

In Pain, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In Pain, again

I was talking to my therapist today about things that happened this morning. I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist and got a response. I really wasn’t expecting one as she is recovering from surgery but I guess she found her way to a computer and emailed me back. I nearly broke down in tears when I read the message. I don’t know if it was because she said she knew this month was hard for me or that I was relieved that she was doing well in her recovery, but the tears were flowing. I tried stopping them because I had to go out soon and didn’t want to be a mess. I hardly ever cry and when I do, the tears don’t stop.

I took my asshole father to his appointment and the bastard kicked me in my sore leg. I am not kidding and when I complained to him, he laughed. I just hoped that we were out of there soon so I could be in a private place to talk to my therapist. The hell with him and his test results. He could die for all I care. I am so sick of his not caring, yet I am supposed to? FUCK THAT SHIT. It’s either both ways or no way.

While I was talking with my therapist, my thigh acted up. I had taken an extra baclofen to try and see if that will help the pain and discomfort I have been feeling. I guess it’s too early to tell as it was just one dose. I didn’t even do too much walking, least not as much as I did yesterday, and it still flared up on me. I know something is going on with my L3 nerve root. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon this and my PCP, though he already knows this, or should by now. Nothing is helping this pain so I know from past experience something is up with my back.

My therapist wasn’t able to read the entire blog piece that I wrote about Reasons for Living and Reasons for Dying. I don’t even remember how long it was as I was just rambling. From what she said, it was a good piece of writing. I said of course it is, I wrote it in the wee hours of the morning. She then started some mumble jumble about how I am uninhibited during those hours to write so well. I just know my best writing comes when I am tired and it’s after 2300. I really can’t sleep unless I write sometimes. Last night was one of those times. I was beyond exhausted and it was after 2300.

I so wanted to drink some whiskey when I came home but I already took my pain meds and I don’t think that would be a good idea. I really need to try and get a hold of this pain. Worse case scenario is that I break out my strong pain pills. I know I need some sleep too as I only got around three hours last night. I was too worried about oversleeping because I didn’t go to bed till after 0230. It sucks being in pain. I need chocolate. That will help my mood…

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.

Twitching-Good or Bad?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Twitching-Good or Bad?

Last night before settling down for bed, my right (good) leg started to twitch. It was having spasms and then my left leg joined in. I just decided to go to sleep rather than to read or write because it was so annoying me and laying down usually settles it down. I woke up about an hour ago because I was hot. After I took off my fuzzy socks and long sleeve t-shirt, my leg started doing its dance again. I am not like it because it is painful twitching, more so now than it was last night. I don’t know why this is happening. I usually never have symptoms in my right leg so something is definitely wrong. I took a nerve pain med, an Ativan, and some pain meds. I hope to be back to sleep soon.

Yesterday afternoon, I was talking with my sisters and we finally settled on where and what time we were going out for my birthday dinner. It will be next Saturday, the weekend before my birthday. I picked Chinese because I want Lo Mein. It’s been at least two years since I’ve had good Lo Mein. The restaurant that I usually order out from just has one good thing, General Gao. And I haven’t been able to find another restaurant in my area that delivers good food. The one good restaurant that did closed down about a year and a half ago.

As I have taken sleeping meds because of pain, I don’t expect to be doing much today. I really wanted to start the next chapter in my book last night but my niece wanted to watch one of her movies. She is so funny. Half way through, she asked me if I wanted a beard. I said yes but I was left with this goatee. I haven’t shaved in a month so it was prominent. Then she snuggled up next to me as we watched the movie. I didn’t tell her I wanted to be a boy and she didn’t make any gender references at all. She is too young to have that kind of conversation.

I guess it is good that I am resting today. Just hope it will give me energy to face this week. I so want the week to be over, like if tomorrow was the end of the week, so be it. I just really don’t want to deal with it. Two doctors appointments, one for me and the other for my father. Yuck. Then I have to go to my father’s for his pills. Three days in a row I will be out and about. So I need my rest now. Hopefully whatever if going on with my right leg will be gone by Tuesday.

I hate being in pain. It just isn’t fun. It takes a lot out of you and you don’t have to do much. I made breakfast and I am completely wiped out. All I had was a bowl of cereal. When I wake up later, I will make my breakfast burrito. But all I did was have cereal and then I washed the bowl and spoon. I am wiped out. It’s ridiculous. I know part of it is because I am hurting, but damn. I never in a million years have felt so wiped out after having a small meal. It just really sucks that I can’t do anything. It’s also very frustrating.

Just got the “Daily Post” from WordPress. I get it sometimes several times a day. Today’s topic is Hate to Love. I might write about it later today. For those bloggers that read my blog, it is good idea starter. A fellow blogger friend recommended it and I have been getting these emails every day. Today was the first time that I could write something that fits my blog.

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.