I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.
I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.
I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.
I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.
I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.