Tag: chronic pain

fears are rampant

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Just when I thought my fears were behind me, they were right there in front of me all along. I woke up from my nap and had to pee really bad. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. Not really good with someone with a nerve injury but it was too late to go to my sister’s apartment to use her bathroom. I didn’t have to wait too long and when I sat on the toilet, I couldn’t go. I already had retention on starting, but it seems to be getting worse. I was trying to relax so I could go and eventually I did but it wasn’t a powerful stream and it seemed to take forever to empty my bladder. Least I hope it is empty. I don’t know what this means, well, I kind of do. Tomorrow I need to push up the MRI date. If the disc is affecting my nerves to bladder, that can only mean trouble. I really don’t want to have to cath. I know people do, but it always leads to infections and such.

I haven’t had a number 2 either lately. I am always constipated so I don’t know if this is just a missed day or what. I am fearful though. I took a senna tonight to get the ball moving again. I didn’t take one last night because I forgot. I am back to my hodgepodge med taking week. I’m just taking whatever I feel like taking because I am too lazy to fill my pill box.

I hope this was a one time thing, that my fears that my bladder function is in peril is just that, a fear. I don’t think I can stand the poking and prodding to deal with this, just to move up my MRI in the ER. The thing is, I should have excruciating back pain like I did the last time I had CES and I don’t. I have a little pain but it’s not excruciating. It’s minor compared to what my ankle feels like.

I wish my therapist was here so I can talk to her about this. I can email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. She’ll probably tell me to go to the ER anyways, something I don’t want to do, especially right before the New Year. I’d rather have a psych admission than go to the ER for this. I guess I should be grateful that it’s not the other extreme where I lose control of my bladder all together. That is something that has been terrifying me the last 15 years or so.

Nyquil is kicking in. Maybe I can just sleep on it and this will all be just a dream.

Recovery…what does it mean?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Recovery…what does it mean?

I keep hearing people talk about recovery and I am at a loss. Can someone enlighten me on what the hell it is? And what exactly are you recovering from?

I hear from suicide attempt survivors all the time this word. Do people who think about suicide really recover after they attempt? Because I keep wanting to try again and again. I haven’t made an attempt in years but I think about suicide constantly. Or is recovery just something that happens after you learn different coping mechanisms?

The reason I do a lot of suicide research is because I want to find something to help me. If I never looked for it, I wouldn’t have found CAMS and the SSF so useful. I have also found other assessment tools but nothing else worked. Traditional therapy didn’t work for me. I had to find a therapist that treated me as an equal and collaborate with me on what works and what doesn’t. It’s still an ongoing process as my suicidality gets worse during certain times of the year than others.

I don’t think I will ever recover from my mental illness. I think it will wax and wane, just like my suicidality, but it will never get better. I might find symptom relief through medication but even with medication, my depressions get the better of me. They are too severe and too frequent to really get relief from them. Medication has been proven useless with treating them. I am just left to suffer through them until they pass.

Then I have the physical pain that I deal with. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. It just seems to get worse during the temps of New England. My former PCP thought that I can just do something to make me feel better and things would be better. Wishful thinking. As much as I don’t want to be on meds, I know it’s my new way of life. It’s the only way I can survive. Otherwise, I think I would entertain the thoughts of killing myself, and by entertain, I mean attempt.

Sunday Blog 27-Dec-15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27-Dec-15

I had a busy day. My groceries came soon after I woke up from a weird dream. I put them all away and then had breakfast. My back has been sore most of the day because of the damn rain and the temp dropping more than 10 degrees. It’s not really painful just an ache that won’t go away.

I got mail. My DVDs that I ordered came in so tonight I will be watching It’s a Wonderful Life. I also got a letter from my neurosurgeon’s office telling me when my MRI is. It’s two weeks from now. I am not happy about this. I think I will call and see if I can be seen at another location. They have quite a few at the hospital I go to.

My prescription was ready to be picked up and I went because I wanted chips. I didn’t order them with my groceries. I usually don’t order junk food unless I am craving it or think of it. But today while watching the game, I wanted something to munch on. The game went sour so I decided to have a beer. Then the game really sucked. I threw away the beer and went upstairs to my room.

I haven’t had time today to read or write. I honestly don’t know where the six hours have gone to. My ankle is killing me, probably because I have been going up and down the stairs all day. My sister called me after the groceries were put away to tell me I had presents. There were two gifts that I didn’t open. I got a Sox umbrella and a nice comfy bathrobe. It will come in handy after showering. I really like this gift as I never had a bathrobe before, not a nice one anyway. I had a hospital one but that was it.

I can’t believe that in two weeks my therapist and I have been seeing each other for fifteen years. I also can’t believe it’s been fifteen years that I have had CES, cauda equina syndrome. I have had it twice in my life. The first time was fifteen years ago, second, nine years ago. The third is pending.

I checked the Powerball. No one won. I still have another chance to win, if I remember to play. My brother-in-law gave me some scratch tickets for my birthday. I won six bucks. I will cash it in and get a few quick picks for the Powerball and Mega Millions. That pot is over 117 million bucks. It would be sweet to win that. I used to play my own numbers but they never came out and I never got a number or two. So now I just do quick picks.

I am very tired. I am going to try and have an easy night. I hope I get to sleep at a decent hour. I still have to fill my pill box for the week. I also need to shower but will wait till my ankle calms down some. I don’t have any plans for the week as my therapist is on vacation. I just have to see my father Thursday. The rest of the week is up to me. I want to go to Starbucks tomorrow so I can write this paper about psychache. I have been thinking about it the last few days but nothing concrete has come of it. I have an opening quote from the book but I still don’t have a beginning sentence. I hope to have it done by the end of the week.

Christmas 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas to all my readers!!

I woke up to a bad dream where I thought my mother had fallen. I rushed to her room, half asleep, to find her okay. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the adrenaline rush. When I did wake up, I had a migraine. I took some meds and then a shower. That helped. I texted my friends and family Merry Christmas and surprisingly got a text from my BFF from childhood. It was good to hear from him.

Christmas will be at my sister’s house this year. I am happy about that. I can stay in PJs and just go downstairs. My leg is already giving me trouble and I really just want to stay close to home as possible. Just taking the shower exhausted me.

It’s still warm and to my surprise, my mother has the back door open. It’s good to have fresh air in the house. This has to be the warmest Christmas on record. I hope tonight, after dinner and all, I can watch “Coat of Many Colors”. It’s about Dolly Parton and my favorite country singer plays her mom. It got such rave reviews that they are re-airing it on Christmas. I wish I could record it but my TiVo is still dead. I tried reviving it while waiting for my Chinese food to arrive yesterday and no luck. It just won’t boot up. I will try and get a new one some time next year. I just feel bad because I won’t be able to watch my shows until I get a new one. I will have to watch them in real time and I hate commercials. It’s lovely to watch an hour program in 40-45 mins.

I placed my grocery order last night but I missed the sale for my powerade so paid regular price, again. I can never catch it when it’s on sale. Delivery will be Sunday as Saturday was a holiday. Maybe Stop and Shop celebrates Boxing Day.