Mr. Misunderstood

Mr. Misunderstood

I have been feeling misunderstood and paranoid lately. Voices have been ramping up as well. I emailed my pdoc but haven’t heard back. Ten bucks says she’ll says “come in” meaning hospital. I don’t want to go to the hospital. They won’t be able to help me feel safe in my own skin. I know it’s just the stress of current events and my PCP leaving that has me stressed out. Every time I am stressed, I become psychotic. This song best reflects how I feel. I plan on getting his album next week when I get paid. I have previewed his songs on his new album and I like the tone of it. I am not a big Eric Church fan. There have been only one or two songs of his that I like. Springsteen is one of them. I forget the name of the other one I like. Something to do with hometowns.

I woke up at 0130 this morning after going to bed around 2000. I took a shower. It was the first time taking a shower since my mother cleaned it and I slipped a few times. I think that is why my ankle is hurting me. I have to fix the laces of my sneakers to the “loop” method that my physiatrist did. My foot kept slipping and I think that is why it is hurting. I also need to get another ace brace as the one I had is missing. It also is too tight because my foot is so swollen. I think that will help. I need to do something to try and keep it stable. I have been bad wearing it, which is why the thing is missing. I know it’s in my room, hiding under something. When I am not looking for it, it will emerge.

I am very tired. I had two caffeinated drinks today, a coffee and a mocha. It’s not helping the tired feeling. I think I am getting a migraine. I have been feeling nauseous the past hour and had a low level headache for most of the day. My vision keeps cutting out on me every so often so I know something is brewing. I wish I could sleep for hours and hours. It’s so painful to be awake these days, either physically or mentally. I really feel out of sorts when I don’t sleep. It makes everything worse, the depression, the voices, the paranoia. I only feel safe if I am in my house. Today, while on the bus ride home, I know the woman next to me was reading my thoughts and cursing me because I was sitting next to her. The bus was crowded and I had to sit. I can’t stand because of my ankle. She doesn’t know this. She just thinks I am fine, like everybody else. I don’t walk with a limp or give any indication that I am disabled. It just sucks that I am treated this way, even if it was the voices saying all this stuff. I bumped into this lady before. She is a high-strung person. Very anxious and pushy. She makes me nervous just being around her. I guess that is why I felt all paranoid around her. But I also felt like every person was staring at me on the bus. I hate crowded buses.

If I have to go in the hospital, which will only be if the voices get worse, I will try to wait till after Thanksgiving, even though the holiday is causing me a little bit of stress. We only have one working stove in the house because my sister’s kitchen is being renovated. Going to be interesting to see what gets cooked and what doesn’t. I doubt my brother in law is going to make his gravy. It sucks anyways but you can’t tell him that. He thinks his cooking is superb, just like my father. Unlike my father, he works his ass off to provide for his family.

Talked with my therapist today about one of the blogs I wrote. It was hard to tell if she was concerned or not. I don’t think she believed me, like the rest of the blog world. I guess that is why I am feeling most misunderstood. If she doesn’t believe me, I don’t know if I can trust her. She kept asking me if I was taking my medication. I am, said it over and over. Then she wanted me to add some meds and I was against that. She asked if I sent the blog to my pdoc and I told her I did but she didn’t respond like I knew she wouldn’t. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I never know. I wish I had read receipts for email but I don’t. I used to when I had work email. I sometimes miss the perks of working at an academic hospital.

Today was the first day that things were normal and not strained between my therapist and I. She did bring up getting an adjunct therapist but I told her I really don’t think it will work out. I would seriously need a solid referral to someone that is taking new patients and will be able to deal with my difficulties, as well as take my insurance. I still don’t know how that will work out. I really would love to have sessions with the suicidal consultant I was seeing when I had good insurance. Now he doesn’t take my current insurance so I am screwed. I hate the new insurance but the hospital went with PPOs and I had no choice but to take it. The other plans offered my therapist didn’t take and I didn’t want to get stuck having to get a referral for all the doctors that I see.

I am going to try and go to Stop and Shop tomorrow but it depends on my ankle. Might have to wait things out with the paranoia as well. I hate the feeling of being watched all the time. It sucks.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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