Tag: chronic physical pain

feeling grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

No Sleep Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Sleep Wednesday

I barely got any sleep last night and when I did, my alarm went off. My groceries were delivered early this morning. I put them all away and was savoring making a burger after my therapy appointment. I had some turkey breast deli meat with some dark chocolate almond milk for breakfast. The almond milk was so damn good. I think I like it better than the vanilla with honey.

Therapy went okay. She was late by almost ten minutes but I still had my time with her. We talked about my sleep and about my ankle. I finally found out what the lump is. It’s a bony formation called enthesophyte. It is really painful and will be needing surgery. I am not looking forward to that. There is also the chance my tendon may be damage from it. It is caused by stress. The ankle service called me this morning so I have an appointment in a few weeks. I think I am going to have to have an MRI to make sure my Achilles is intact. Until then, I will keep doing what I have been doing. Staying off it as much as possible so it doesn’t hurt.

I told my therapist I was sending my psychiatrist blogs left and right. I know I wrote one while I was up at 0230. I don’t know if I sent it to my psych or not. I know I didn’t send it to my therapist. There are somethings I will send to her and others I won’t. I did email my psych to let her know about my ankle. I have no idea what time it was. I know I also told her my sleep sucks but I don’t think it’s medication related. I just have a weird sleep pattern. My therapist kept asking me if I had a dream that woke me up. If I did, I completely forgot it. She must have asked me several times. I just woke up at around 0230 and that was it. After I fell asleep at midnight. I was up for a few hours before I went back to sleep around 0500.

Today marks a month that my father passed away. I keep thinking I need to go to his apartment tomorrow to do his meds but there is nothing I need to do. I have the whole day to myself. And Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I need to get a haircut tomorrow so I think I will hold off on showering until then. I hope I get the same barber as I did last month. I got a real nice cut from him.

I ordered John Adams from Netflix DVD. It’s a 3 disc set but they only sent me the first disc. I am going to watch it tonight. I have been looking forward to this movie for quite some time. I hope I am not disappointed.

I fixed the problem with Amazon but they are still shipping my items separately as well as charging me individually. I am so annoyed. At least it’s free shipping. I just have to pay for the tax. I bought a new watch as the one I had is old and I think the battery is going to die soon. If there was a jeweler’s place that had watch repairs, I would just replace the battery but all those places closed in my area. It really sucks. I ordered a psychology book from a seller but it doesn’t look like they have shipped it yet. I expedited shipping on it because I really want it sooner rather than later. I figure I can read it when I go to Starbucks. I can have my study session there. I don’t know what else to do with my time.

Post 1765

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Post 1765

I only got a few hours of sleep last night. PTSD symptoms were set off around 2300 and didn’t end till around 0230 when I finally fell asleep. I woke up just a couple of hours later and have been up since. I tried to get back to sleep and would have if my damn phone didn’t go off on me. I had successive text messages and they drove me from sleep. One of the psychologists I am friends with was replying to my blog via Twitter so I was getting his tweets. It was constructive and he gave me a name of someone at BWH. I will look him up and see what he can do for me. My friend didn’t say that he was a doc or a surgeon as he didn’t give me his credentials. But I trust my friend.

I was going to catch the 0950 bus but I was too lazy to get out of bed. I wanted some writing time at Starbucks but was denied, least at the one at the Square. I went to South station and tried to find a spot for my therapy session. Soon as I found a place outside, it started to drizzle. I knew there was a Starbucks across the street so I went there and found a quiet corner. I did some writing while waiting for time to pass. My therapist called at the appointed time and we began talking about guess who? I told her I had PTSD symptoms last night brought on inadvertently by just deleting my father’s contact information from my speed dial. I didn’t delete him from my phone, just the speed dial. It triggered memories to come flooding back, something I wasn’t expecting. I wrote a short blog about it on Tumblr and sent it to her. I am still paranoid my sisters are reading my blog so I am careful on what I post now.

We talked about the symptoms and how triggered I was. I told her I tried distraction and other forms of grounding but I might as well have been blowing bubbles in the air for all the good it did me. I was tempted to call my psychiatrist but it was after 0100 and I was not really in the mood to talk. I had been anxious all evening because my meds got messed up due to the computer system and I didn’t want to bring it up or make her think I was calling that late just to see if she called the pharmacy. I wouldn’t do that. I just needed reassurance I wasn’t going out of my tree. The memories were so real and so was the guilt that I felt. Maybe if I stayed with my father a little more after I gave him his medication he would have died with someone in the room. I know my sister said that he wanted it that way, for us to be eating and for him to die at peace in his bed, which he did. There was no struggle. He just let go. And I just am kicking myself because I didn’t see it coming. Yes, I knew he was going to die that day. And I am grateful it didn’t take all night for him to die. But I just feel like there should have been more for me to do for him and I can’t figure out for the life of me what that was or what it should be.

If my therapist and I talked about anything else, I don’t really remember it. I told her the fiasco with the computer system and how my psych has to now call the damn pharmacy because it’s a stupid piece of shit. She did everything right (as far as I know). The shit computer just didn’t accept the changes she made. What a retarded system. Now I know why she is so aggravated with it.

I think we briefly talked about seeing a grief counselor but I really don’t want to be double talking. I don’t want to talk about grief with my therapist and the counselor at the same time because then I am just wasting my breath twice. I still haven’t called the counselor. I think I might email her. I am good with that. But I think I can handle things with my therapist. I don’t want to be in a sticky situation with the counselor because I feel suicidal at times or because I have PTSD.

This afternoon, I went south of Boston to visit friends and to see my friend’s daughter in a concert. The noise was unreal from the kids, not from the concert. The concert was pretty good for a bunch of 6th graders. They weren’t as off key as I thought they would be, though they killed one of my favorite songs that the Money Pit plays. I forget the name of the concerto but the kids butchered it. I am going to have to find that piece of music or see Money Pit again to hear it played correctly. I love Money Pit. It always makes me laugh even though I’ve seen it a million times and know it word for word. I did have a good time even though I wasn’t feeling good. I kept thinking about my father. I guess I was feeling guilty about having fun while I am still supposed to be in “mourning”.

Tomorrow marks one month that my father has passed. I have groceries coming in the morning that should make me tired enough to go back to sleep. I set my alarm clock for 0645 as the delivery is between 0730 and 0930. I hope they come around first thing. I then have therapy, again. After that it’s burger time!

Sunday Blog 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up later than my usual time, at 0700. I had to use the bathroom as I was dreaming about going pee. While I was up, I decided to have two Ensures. Bad idea. It made me sick. Luckily, I kept everything in my stomach and was able to get back to sleep. I just woke up a little while ago. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I put more jelly than peanut butter and I didn’t enjoy it as much.

I am listening to the ball game. I wanted to watch it but my mother is hogging the living room TV and I don’t like to watch it from the kitchen. I tend to get the munchies. This is the first time all season that I am listening to the radio. I wanted to see what the new guy sounds like. His name is Tim Neverett. The Sox are playing the Indians at Fenway.

My ankle is a little better today than it was yesterday. The temp is ten degrees cooler than yesterday. There is supposed to be rain over the next few days but so far it remains dry. I just hope it doesn’t rain Tuesday as I need to be out and about. I will be going south of Boston to meet up with some friends for a school concert and then dinner.

Tuesday needs to get here pretty quick. I am running up a grocery bill as I keep on adding stuff that I want. I was going to order ice cream but it’s not on sale and I am not spending $5 for a pint. I still am debating on getting chips. I think that is the only junk food I haven’t ordered.

I need to fill my pill box for the week. I hate doing it. But it’s better than being in the hospital because I have less pills in the box than what they were giving me. I think I counted at least 20 pills at night versus my home pills of 14. This is because nearly every drug had at least 2 pills to go with it. At home, I just take one pill, except for one of my blood pressure pills. I have to take 2 pills.

I have had the munchies since I woke up. Now I feel bloated. I mostly had fruit and vegetables so I don’t feel guilty about eating. I just had a lot in a short period and my stomach is not used to so much food at once.

I have been in a good mood today. It is strange because I also feel sad at the same time. Yesterday, I got a card from my father’s PCP’s office. The coag RN sent me her condolences of the loss of my father. I thought that was nice of her. I have been thinking of my father most of the day. He usually came over on Sundays for dinner. Tomorrow will mark four weeks that he has passed.