feeling grief

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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