Tag: chronic physical pain

Saturday Blog 40

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was going to order pizza but now I don’t have to because my mother is making it. She makes good pizza, though I love the dough more than the sauce and cheese. I got a calendar but it isn’t the one I wanted. They were out of them. I thought about ordering it on Amazon but I didn’t want to spend another $35 just for free shipping. I got a calendar at the Coop for $7 and I will make it work. Right now it’s too long and needs to be moved over so I can have access to my light switch. I really didn’t want to put another hole in the wall but seems I have no choice. While I was at the Coop, I saw a nice leather pouch with the Harvard logo on it. I so wanted to get it. I also wanted to get a knitted hat but refrained. I kept my hands in my pocket and just kept walking.

I got my Starbucks soy latte. Today was not the day for specialty drinks. I have been having the gags most of the day. They will come on suddenly and without reason so I think I am getting a migraine. My head doesn’t hurt yet, but I am sure it will later this evening.

I plan on watching a movie tonight. Last night I watched the Goonies. Ridiculous movie if I ever saw one. I really don’t get the appeal of the movie. I will watch Pretty Woman tonight. I love Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. It’s one of my favorite movies.

I almost didn’t go into Harvard today. I saw the bus home and almost decided to take it and go home with just my latte. But I pushed through the tiredness and trudged on. I went to my favorite stationary store and realized I forgot the pen I needed a refill on. So I bought some more V-Ball pens and another notebook. They didn’t have my calendar I wanted. They had every other calendar but the one I was looking for. A lot of pretty ones, too. But they were too big for the space that I needed it. Doesn’t matter now as I need to move up the nail and make another hole in the wall.

All I had to eat today was a pop tart. I couldn’t finish the second one. I have no appetite today. I am trying to drink more fluids so on the way home I bought some mineral water and a coke. I know I will drink the water. I can’t drink that much soda like I used to. I usually have a few sips a day until it’s gone. I plan on making a cup of tea when I am done with this blog. I need something warm to drink. I still am sick. I still have pain in my ankle as well. It didn’t help that while putting on my PJs my ankle turned. Luckily, I was standing by my bed or I think I would have fallen.

I entered a reading challenge this year through the website GoodReads. I finally finished the book Far From the Tree but for some reason it didn’t register in my challenge. Maybe it takes a day or so to do it. One of my friends suggested that I read “Game of Thrones”. I told her I already tried and failed to read it. I am just glad I didn’t buy the book set. It was just a weird book. I am going to try and read “Explorations in Personality” by Murray. I started it a few weeks ago. It is very dry reading but interesting. I keep calling the biases of the experiment but back then, you didn’t have diverse populations. It was mostly white people and middle class. The study that I am reading is about white undergraduates. Harvard wasn’t that diverse in the thirties. Book reminds me of the book George Apley. I never finished that book either because it was wicked dry reading and kind of boring. I hope to read Murray’s book as a tribute to Shneidman. That is my goal for 2016.

Still Shitty, but a different kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still shitty, but a different kind

I must have sneezed a thousand times today. It’s official, I have a stupid cold to start off the new year. I don’t know how it happened as I have been really careful, washing my hands after going out and stuff. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a chest cold because I hate that more than sneezing my head off and not being able to breathe through my nose. I feel weak at times. I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluid but I will be making a cup of tea shortly. I like drinking hot tea when I am sick. I usually just drink chamomile and honey.

For the past hour, I have been experiencing spasms in my foot. It’s causing my foot to jerk upward and it is very painful. Then I got zaps in my toes that made me jump and swear. Ativan and pain meds seem to be helping. My ankle is really hurting from the spasms as all the muscles in that area tightened up on me. I hate when that happens. It’s always my left, never my right. But then, all the nerve damage has been in my left leg.

I woke up early despite going to bed late. I was going to make breakfast but I think the thought of cooking made me sleepy so I went back to sleep. I woke up from my nap after having a strange dream. I was in my old house that I grew up in and my father was giving me a travel kit of toothbrushes and toothpaste. It was weird as it had the Starbucks logo on the little cup they provided. In the dream, I wanted chocolate or was eating chocolate, I couldn’t tell. It was just a strange dream.

I watched the OSU game today. They beat Notre Dame. It was a blow out in the first half and then they really beat them in the second half. I was sorely disappointed that the main defender Bosa got ejected for targeting. It was a dumb thing to do especially in the first quarter. He apologized afterwards. Zeke scored 4 TDs and his last one he gave the Bosa shrug. It was awesome.

I feel pretty shitty physically. The spasms wore me out and this cold is kicking my butt. Mentally, I am still feeling out of sorts. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things but I just ignore them. They want me to take a bottle of pills but I am not going to do it. I guess that is my fault they are active because I didn’t take my meds for two days. Last night they wanted me to take all my meds; I did, just one of each or two depending on what pills they were. Resisting their insistence is very tiring. I hope they go away soon. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because of them. I know they have surfaced because of the stress I have been under with the MRI and because my therapist and pdoc have been on vacation. They will be back in the office next week so I just have to hold on till Monday. I will tell my therapist about the voices but I am hesitant to tell my pdoc because I am afraid she will put me in the hospital. It’s always a slippery slope with her. I sometimes feel like I can tell her anything and everything and then there are things that I feel I should keep from her, to protect her. Or maybe to protect myself. I don’t know. I have known this doc most of my life and yet she still scares me sometimes. I guess I don’t want to worry her with my stuff.

My therapist is different. I can tell her anything and all it will do is increase her anxiety so we don’t talk about anything else. Then she will talk psychobabble about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I don’t get to talk much when she is like this. She has her own ideas of how things are even if they aren’t that way. I just laugh, especially when she tells me to increase my medicine or to take a PRN. I won’t do it unless my pdoc says I should, which would mean having to tell her that I am hearing commanding voices. Being sick isn’t helping the voices because I am more vulnerable. I should just take Nyquil and be done with it. I will be knocked out. I wish the makers of Nyquil could just market doxylamine without the alcohol and Tylenol content. It’s a nice antihistamine that is very sedating on its own.

Other than football, I did do some reading. I am up to the chapter of Rape in Far From The Tree. It’s not about child rape but about women who had a child because of rape. I am still not looking forward to this chapter and might skip it. I never skip a chapter in a book so this will be the first time I ever did so. I just don’t want to be triggered or have images in my head of women getting raped. That is not why I bought the book.

Weatherman just tweeted the forecast for the week. Seems like tomorrow might be a better day for me to go out than Monday. Monday is supposed to be really cold. I guess if I am up to it, I could go to the Square and then go to Harvard to get my calendar. We’ll have to see how my ankle feels because right now it’s in a lot of pain and I am sure the spasms are going to cause some soreness.

Happy New Year 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year to my blog readers. I don’t feel particularly happy. Damn depression is just awful. Taylor Swift came out with a new video and I wanted to share it because I think it’s one of her best videos yet.

Someone read a blog that I wrote about stigma and ice cream. I think I am going to include it in my book even though it’s less than 500 words. There’s an important message in the blog and I think it will be cool to write it in my book. That is one page down. Another 148 to go.

I wanted to be asleep by midnight but that didn’t happen. I was catching the scores of the Bama game. They killed the Spartans 38-0 and will advance to the National Championship game. I was hoping OSU would be playing that game but it wasn’t in the cards. OSU will be playing today at 1300. I can’t wait to watch the game. I have been looking forward to this game for a month now.
I had a cup of chamomile tea to try and ease my worries that I have about a relationship that I need to end. It’s not really a relationship, just a friendship that I don’t feel comfortable with any more. I wish my therapist were here so that I could talk to her about it. I also have been listening to Mary Chapin as she soothes me. Her voice is so calming.

I have been feeling really shitty still. My leg isn’t any better going down stairs and I am very worried about what they will find on the MRI. I am also worried about who will take care of me now that my PCP is gone. I am fearful that I just will be pushed aside or not taken seriously. I have to make an appointment with the new doc so that at least we know each other. I will have to do that on Monday. I am just afraid that I will have to wait a long time to see her. I just had a physical with my old PCP so I can’t even see her for that. I don’t know what I will see her for. Maybe I will just say a hi visit so she can know me? If I want her to fill in some paperwork that I will be needing, she has to know me. I really am mad at my old PCP for leaving.

I know it’s late but I feel like having a cheeseburger. I didn’t have dinner, well I did. I had a bowl of cereal. But that was hours ago. It’s almost 0100. I should be sleeping instead of having a burger. I got to learn self-control. I am really surprised my night meds haven’t knocked me out. I really hate that I am still awake because I know that I won’t fall asleep until after 0200. Think I will read Far From The Tree. I was hoping to finish that book by the end of the week but the damn depression ruined those plans for me. I hate when the depression affects my ability to read.

Hope all of you had a safe and Happy new year.

venting ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle has been bothering me all fucking day. Seems every time I am close to getting to sleep, it flares up angrily, like I wanted to use it or something. Or maybe it’s mad that I am resting it. I don’t know. It just hurts and I don’t know why. I never know why. Three years and no one has been able to tell me why. They think it’s this, that, but it doesn’t change the treatment or course. I think it is a little bit of complex regional pain syndrome. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome as I do have pain and swelling. I can’t walk as far as I used to because of pain. It just sucks.

I need to go out tomorrow to my father’s. His weekly visit. I wish I could stop doing this every week but out of obligation, I do it.

In addition to this lovely irritable mood that I have been in, I think I am getting my menses. Just what I fucking need to start off the New Year. It makes me depressed and pissed off. I guess that is why I gained so much weight. It’s probably all from feeling bloated. I hate being in this body so fucking much. Another year to remind me I am in the wrong body. It totally messes with my head and how I feel.

I wish I could just spontaneously combust so I wouldn’t have to think about killing myself. Of course, planning your death isn’t the same as going through with it. I plan and plan yet I am still fucking here. A 22 year-old died the other day while swimming. Just like that he was gone. Why couldn’t that happen to me? Why must I fucking live this life I so don’t want to live? I wish I didn’t have the SSD review hanging over my head. I just don’t know if I am disabled “enough” to meet their requirements. I still don’t know if I got it based on my physical and/or mental disability. I wish I knew so I could fill in the right doctors for their consents and stuff. I just hate waiting. And I also worry that I will have to see their doctor. That will fucking suck. And I am in so much pain more at night than during the day. The depression is year round so I don’t have to worry about that. I just worry that I will be denied and then I will be screwed financially.

I wish my therapist were here. I so need to talk to her. I have been texting her but I never get a response. Of course, she is out of office so why would she respond? Nothing I have been texting her needs a response anyways. I think this is the first time that I haven’t thought about leaving her. Usually, I always plan my escape when she is on vacation. It’s my way of getting away from her permanently. But she never usually allows a cancellation. And if I do need to cancel, she wants to make up that time.

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a month. She had her hip replaced the beginning of December. I am scheduled to see her next Friday. It will be good to see her again. I miss her, too. We have been emailing each other. She does respond and she tells me she is doing well. It’s kind of sad that when I see her next, I will be the one with the cane. I still can’t trust my leg. I don’t know how much of it is mental at this point. I just know there is a security there and I need that. Plus, my leg doesn’t hurt as much if I have that extra support. Wish I could say the same for my ankle.

I read a horribly written blog yesterday. It was by one of my BPD chat friends. There were a ton of run on sentences. And the grammar was just horrible. I want to say something but I don’t want to offend her. I am not close to her so I am not sure she will accept criticism well.

I cannot believe that I have done nothing but lie in bed all day and my ankle is screaming at me. I so want to tell it off, like what the hell are you hurting for when I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I didn’t overuse it. I didn’t go up and down stairs a million times. What the fuck gives??

Because I was a lazy bastard, I have to return a calendar I bought from Amazon. It was way bigger than I thought it would be. I should have known that a 12×17 wouldn’t fit on my wall. It would but I would have to move it over and put another nail in the wall. Too much effort for a lazy person when I don’t need that big of a calendar to begin with. I am an idiot. I was too lazy to get up to see the SKU for the calendar I do have. Now I have to go to Harvard to go to my favorite stationary store to get the calendar I need, which is what I should have done to begin with. I thought Amazon would get me what I needed and now it didn’t. I am a lazy bastard.