Tag: chronic physical pain

No Breeze Stirs this Cauldron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache

“What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the grey drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”
― William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness

The crash has started. I am once again thinking of quote that I hold dear to me when I am in a despair like state. I just emailed my psychiatrist telling her I am in despair but I am not quite suicidal. I can’t sleep because of pain and the pain meds have not kicked in yet. But the pain I am feeling now, is a different type of pain. It is psychache and there are no pain pills for that ache. My heart feels like it has been broken into a thousand pieces. I feel like I am being suffocated by this weight on my chest. Like Styron says, “there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural the victim begins to think ceaseless of oblivion”. Except, I am not there yet. I am close to thinking of my oblivion but I think if I start thinking about it, I will act.

I started vacuuming my room a little bit at a time. I bought a hand held vacuum. I thought it was cordless but it is corded. No matter, it still does its job. Too bad it hurts me in the process. I can’t stand for too long before my hip goes out. It is this pain that I am feeling that the pain meds aren’t helping at the moment. They will soon, I hope. It is past midnight. I hate staying up this late because it can only lead to Hyde coming out when I am in this despair. I got to find my “Touched With Fire” book. It, I think, has the quote by Hugo Wolf about the heart being broken into a thousand pieces. I thought it was Byron but it’s not. I would like to have this quote on my quote page. I think it will be a nice addition.

I wasn’t expecting to crash this soon. I thought I would have a few days of “normal” before I headed to psychache land. I started writing in my journal. Five pages later, I got an idea for my next blog on “no-suicide” contracts. What got me thinking about this was that if I didn’t find the “Crisis Response Plan” how different my treatment would be with my therapist. No-harm or No suicide contract are stupid and have no validity. They are not even a legal contract in the eyes of the law (to the best of my knowledge) yet are used over and over again. Meds are kicking in so I can’t quite explain more as it is complicated.

I found the quote from Wolf, it is “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. That is how I feel right now. I feel like I am faking being happy yet I so am falling apart and no one can see it. I feel utterly alone.

Earlier tonight, I was feeling fine. I don’t know what caused the downfall to occur. I was just writing in my journal and thought about writing this no contract paper and then I suddenly felt really sad. I got a notepad that has another quote on it, “people do not die by suicide, they die by sadness”. Anonymous

I think that is true. I have real sadness. Dark sadness that won’t leave me. It is like black storm clouds following me. And it came on just with the snap of your fingers. I wish I could snap my fingers again and have them leave. I am hungry. Maybe this sadness is caused by low blood sugar. I only had one thing to eat today, a half of roast beef club sandwich. I couldn’t finish the rest of the sandwich. It was too filling. I should have saved it but it was soggy and I had soggy sandwiches. Now I am hungry and want something to eat. Maybe I will have a pop tart. I don’t know. It’s getting later and later. I really just want to sleep. The hell with eating.

Manager of Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. Not unusual as I have it every week. We talked a little bit about the class and my writing. I was hoping to get some insights into things but they never materialized. I sometimes feel like therapy is a waste of my time and that I should decide when to go, rather than have my therapist dictate the sessions. There was nothing in particular I wanted to talk about. We talked about how her phone has been messing up and losing connection. She is so overdue for an upgrade but is so old fashioned she won’t consider the possibility of changing phones. Granted changing phones is a hassle in the beginning but once you get used to it, it becomes second nature. Half way through out session, there was some static on the line. I don’t think it was my end so I didn’t say anything. I knew she would flip out. She is still clueless about my tones. I was sarcastic with her and that set her off. It was funny until I said I was being sarcastic, then she calmed down. I can really push her buttons when I want to. It’s payback for driving me nuts.

I’m listening to 1989 for the millionth and one time. I was going to listen to Luke Bryan’s new album but it is driving me nuts. There are some slow songs and then slower songs then really fast songs. You don’t know what you are going to get when it’s on shuffle. And my shuffle sucks. It could play the last three songs five times before it kicks out of gear to another song. And this is with a new phone. I know it’s the app, but I sort of like it because you can have access to it before the lock screen.

My day has been made when they announced that Hanley Ramirez will no longer be playing left field the rest of the season. He is an AWFUL outfielder. He has cost more runs scored than anyone. I can’t stand him. All the hype and he didn’t live up to it. Actually, no one lived up to the hype this season. That is why we are in last season, again. I think that if John didn’t get cancer, he would be out as manager. They have been playing better but I think they are out of the running for the wild card. The bullpen just can’t hold a candle to the wind when they get called up and the starters, even though they have pitched better, still can’t go more than 7 innings consistently.

I haven’t read “Order of the Phoenix” most of the week. Mostly because I was hypo and too hyper to read. Today I was too sleepy to think about reading. I think I am a little depressed and it’s interfering with my concentration. I was thinking of reading the suicide research articles that I printed out weeks ago, but I feel meh about it. I sort of lost my interest in reading them. I got my new SLTB journal and nothing interested me. There was one article that caught my attention but not enough to sit down and read it. I don’t know why I lost interest in suicide research articles. They are my “thing”. Maybe it is just a low level depression and that is why I can’t read my interests at the moment. I am just coming down from being super “high”. It’s going to be a while before I feel back to my normal, whatever that is.

Last night for the first time in months, I had side effects from my abilify. My arms felt like spaghetti. I couldn’t stand it so went to bed after writing my blog. There was no point trying to stay up any later as I was wicked tired anyways. The pain in my ankle was horrendous and I really didn’t want to fight through it. Not like I slept for a good length of time. I was thinking of waking up around 0800. Instead, I woke up around 0430 to tinkle. I have been going all day for some reason and I haven’t been drinking that much fluid. Weird. I don’t think I drank more than four ounces the whole day. Maybe I should drink some water.

I think my therapist needs to start acting like my therapist than my friend. If she did some psychodymanics more, maybe I wouldn’t be so frustrated sometimes after session. Like session was a waste. I miss the days where I would plan my sessions in what I was going to say and sort of come up with a treatment plan. She would be okay with it. But lately, I am not feeling it. We talk about stuff that isn’t important. Like my friends on Twitter. Sure they are important to me, but I don’t think they are relevant to therapy. Then we have the writing bit. I just have been writing this blog for the past two hours and it still isn’t finished. But that is all I write lately. I haven’t written anything for my book in months. It is so frustrating. I wish she wouldn’t bring it up because I feel so guilty about it. I have a shit load of time on my hands and I don’t use it well. I have never been a good manager of time. And I know that if I even planned a schedule, I wouldn’t stick with it. Today I needed downtime because I didn’t want to overtax my ankle. I was really hurting last night and even though I was feeling okay this morning, I still didn’t want to cause pain. It’s worked because I haven’t taken any pain meds today, least not yet.

Class

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Class

Class was a success. I learned a few pointers, but they didn’t really apply to me. I was looking forward to adding to my vocabulary and instead I found that my writing is powerful and that I was brave to read what I did to class. I know there are some minor changes that can be done but the whole piece of the Love/Hate blog was good. I am annoyed with myself. If it is so good, why haven’t the NYT considered what I wrote, unless they are too chicken. That is a possibility I haven’t considered. It might be too powerful.

I had an exhausting day. I saw my pdoc this afternoon and then rode the trains until it was time to get something to eat and leave for the class. My pdoc and I talked about all the events of last week, including the psychotic symptoms of my reading experiences. I was afraid to tell her that in an email for fear of her telling me to go to the ER. I finally got a handle on the mania and she was glad that I did. And I still have a positive bank account so I am very happy about that as it could easily be in the negative. On the way back to the station, my legs gave way. I had woken up with my left knee hurting and sitting straight for three hours didn’t help it. Also the tops of my feet were on fire. I was dying by the time I reached the T. I could barely walk when the train came. I am going to be hurting tomorrow but I don’t have to do anything. It will be a rest day.

The person that does the editing is an editor. I am hoping I can hire her for my second book, or she can recommend someone that doesn’t cost a fortune. I also met someone in class that lives in my area. I wanted to give him my number but I didn’t. I should have kept a business card in my pocket. I think his name is John. I know the vicinity where he lives so he shouldn’t be too hard to find and we take the same bus route. I hope to bump into him again. He seems really cool.

Coffee Worked!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Coffee worked!

I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.

I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.

I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.

I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.