Tag: chronic physical pain

Love, Hate, and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Love Hate and Suicide

Above is the link for my article. It has been a rough twenty-four hours. I have not slept very well because of the weird dreams I have been having over the stress of this publication. For the most part, my article was well received. There were a few dissenters that questioned my therapist’s methods and therapy with me, but they were dispelled by other commenters, which made me feel a little better. I had gotten so upset about the readers “attacking” my treaters, I felt like I made a huge mistake. My psychiatrist was impressed I made such an impression, which made me feel better. Also talking with my therapist after nearly 5 days was such comfort. I thought I was offending her and I wasn’t doing any of the sort. She laughed at some of the comments I was telling her and told me it didn’t matter. Everyone was entitled to their opinion. What really matters is what happens between us not the rest of the world, or something like that. Because I was so sleep deprived and a nervous wreck, I cried today while talking with her. I just got so overwhelmed with the comments. Some of them had them questioning whether my therapist was “real”, meaning did she have the proper credentials and training to be a therapist. It was just so hurtful, to me anyways. So I cried, got upset, and then laughed about it. Before my psychiatrist wrote back, I seriously thought about ending my life. But the feelings passed. Now I just hope I can get a good night’s sleep and I should be able to face the day tomorrow.

I had to go out today. I stayed in all weekend and was starting to feel cooped up. I went to Walgreens to try and get some Pringles and my prescription. I also gave the article to one of the pharm techs I told I write. She was flabbergasted. They didn’t have the Pringles but they did have my prescription ready. When I came home I showered and waited for the time for my therapist.

After therapy, I checked some more comments, my blog stats (which are blooming), and messages on FB. I then got dressed and waited for the bus. I didn’t have to wait as my cousin drove by and gave me a ride to the Square. I was hungry so had a celebratory burrito. Actually, I got a salad with all the burrito fillings. It was just as good but without the flour tortilla. I went to my Starbucks and got a pumpkin spice latte and a scone. I was stuffed at this point. My mother called while I was having my latte wanted to know if I would be home for supper. I said I would be home but I don’t think I would be eating. I was too tired to write so just decided to catch the next bus home, which meant catching the bus with the mentally disabled guy. He was not too bad today, though he did ask some young kids for money. I ignored him, though I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. He just makes me uncomfortable because he has a quick temper. Something doesn’t go his way and he flies off the handle. I am glad the bus wasn’t too crowded today.

Counting Down the Hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Counting down the hours

Today is another wicked humid, hot day. Sox are winning at the moment. They just took the lead. I just hope Porcello and the bullpen can keep the lead against the hot Jays. I have decided not to listen or watch the game today. I didn’t sleep very well, again. I just woke up from a nap that had another disturbing dream in it. I had woken from a nightmare earlier so my day has not gone well.

I have been counting down the hours till my article gets published. As the hour slowly approaches, I am again filled with anxiety about it. I have emailed a good friend of mine about this and the nightmare that I had. She is understanding that I have these fears. It’s not so much about the world that I am afraid of, but my family’s reaction to what I wrote. I activated my the blog again so I could show my cousin what I wrote so she could judge if they will react poorly or not. She said it was fine. She is really supportive of my work and a good friend. We didn’t know each other growing up due to my father and her grandmother having a fight when I was little. She was also away to college and I didn’t really know about her till we got invited to her graduation party. She is really pretty and smart, but then, all my cousins are. I trust her judgement and I hope she isn’t wrong. Last thing I want is her mother interfering in my life. It’s bad enough she is on Facebook. She is not a woman to be messed with, and I will just leave it at that.

I wanted to go to Walgreens today to pick up my prescription but when I brought out my recycles, the heat overwhelmed me. Tomorrow is supposed to be a tad cooler so I might go then, in the morning before it gets hot. I should be up anyway with the dealings of my article being published. If my hip doesn’t hurt, I plan on going to Kelly’s to get a proper roast beef sandwich and onion rings to celebrate. I have been getting a roast beef at another place but it’s just not the same.

The plan for tonight is to watch the OSU game (they didn’t play Saturday like I thought they did) and then stay up until 0400 or so. My publication is supposed to be online at 0330. If I do happen to fall asleep before 0300, I set my alarm just in case. I also plan on taking another nap between 1700-1900 so I am rested for the game. Right now, I am not caring much about the game. I just want to sleep, or maybe have something to eat and then sleep. The last 24 hours have been stressful and the next 12 are going to be more so. I have been trying not to think of the consequences of my writing but I can’t. I know it’s good writing and the Times doesn’t accept garbage. I have to keep telling myself this or I just go into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Talking with my cousin helped and so did emailing my friend. Having that dream didn’t help. I dreamt that the article was co-authored and then that person wanted to see me. She sent me a bunch of redundant paperwork I had to fill out and she spelled the word suicide wrong on it. It was a terrible dream.

Nervous Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been feeling very nervous as the days gets closer to my publication date. All the doubts that I have had about my book are running through my head. Only difference is that I am not the one in control of the publication. Whether I am nervous or doubtful about this, it is going to be published anyways. I can’t stop it if only because the editor in charge is on vacation next week. Not that I truly want it to stop. I just want this nervousness to go away! I have fears that it won’t be well received, that I will be criticized, that people will just be nasty about it. I know in reality that the Times doesn’t publish garbage, so I have that going for me. I just wish I could chill. The next 40 hours or so are going to be nerve racking. I am trying to distract with a baseball game but then I check Facebook and someone likes my post I made about this, sending the nerves back up. I wish this thing wasn’t going to be published at 0330. It is going to mess up my sleep. But then, my sleep is already messed up. I woke up around 0300 today. I had a late lunch and now I just want to sleep. But the game is on and my nerves are shot so I unless I take some Ativan, I doubt I would sleep.

I wish I was working on something, like my book or even reading a book, but haven’t been able to do either. I am still waiting for my “writing itch” to come back so I can work on my book. But as far as reading, I am just too nervous and distracted to concentrate. I haven’t touched Harry Potter in over a week now. I think I might have to read something else until I get bored with that. It’s not that I don’t have plenty to choose from. I have my bipolar book, suicidology, Gaiman’s books. I’ve become a real Neil Gaiman fan. I love his style of writing. I bought his book he wrote earlier this year, “Trigger Warning”. I did start “American Gods”, but haven’t gone back because I got into reading Harry. I also have Dostoevsky’s works. Plenty to choose from, but the focus is just not there. Plus, I am a little indecisive where to go, if I am not going to finish “Order of the Phoenix” (Harry Potter).

I also need to change my sheets but I really need to clear my “office” side of the bed. I have my journals and books, some clothes, baseball hats, etc. on one side of my bed. I just sleep on one side and I usually stay in one position most of the night. I am not one to go all over the bed. But since hurting my hip the other night while vacuuming, I haven’t been able to stand more than three minutes to do anything. I changed my toner on my printer and even that caused me pain. I don’t know what to do to ease this ache. It always flares when I am walking or standing too long. I really wanted to bake today but since I am in pain, that isn’t possible. I really want to make pumpkin cupcakes. It will be all mine as I am the only one that likes pumpkin anything. I will try to make them tomorrow. Maybe baking will give the release I need to take my mind off things.

I just realized I haven’t listened to music of any kind in like a day and a half. Maybe some music will calm me down some or at least distract me. Sox have this game, unless the bullpen comes apart, which is always a possibility.

Ankle Chronicles 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had to pick up my father’s prescription at the pharmacy today, which meant a lot of walking. It was only about four or five blocks from his apartment to the pharmacy but my ankle decided it wanted no part in it so rebelled. Then I guess the way I was walking to compensate, threw my opposite side hip out. I was not happy. I just wanted to sit and rest but I couldn’t because there was no place to really sit and I wasn’t going to sit on the ground. I get to his apartment and he isn’t there. I started panicking. He knew I was coming over. Then I saw his girlfriend coming towards his apartment. I was really starting to get worried. It’s not like him not to be home when he knows people are coming over. She went to the office while I waited in case he came home. Soon after she got on the elevator to go down, he came off the opposite elevator. I was happy but miffed. He says I should have called him, which next time I will. I see him every week at around the same time so I don’t know why he thought he could leave his apartment.

I had lunch over his place as he cooked and then I left. More walking to the train station. I was a little annoyed with the bus on the way there so decided to take the train home. The bus at the closer station to my house was late, which meant more standing on my already flared up ankle. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk the block and half home. But I sat on the bus and let it rest a little bit. It was a little better by the time I got to my stop but soon as I put weight on it, it flared right up again. I am not doing anything the rest of the day. I got my hair cut this morning and I had lunch thanks to daddio. I should be good for the next few hours until my stomach wants more food and then I will have to see if I really want to eat. I will have to go down the stairs to the kitchen which I know my ankle will just love (saying this sarcastically). I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

My father gave me peppers which I handed over to my mother. She loves green peppers. I do, too. She usually makes peppers and eggs which is alright. I used to love to eat them raw but lately, my stomach has been picky with raw vegetables so I have to eat them cooked. I don’t know why it bothers my stomach. I take a stomach pill that should protect my stomach and not cause any problems. But eating raw peppers causes me to get heartburn.

I started getting a little hyper this morning. I know I was really irritable when I was going to my father’s on the bus. The bus driver was being trained so was driving really slow and of course, every stop had a passenger to either pick up or drop off. Then we got to a busy square and there was a lady whose card wasn’t working. Must have been trying to make it work for more than five minutes and to me in my manic brain was forever. It drove me berserk because it held up the people behind her. I just wanted the bus to fricken go. I should have taken the fricken train but the bus stops near the pharmacy that I had to go to so I could do less walking. I was getting very annoyed that even Luke Bryan’s music wasn’t calming me down. I guess it was good that I walked as much as I did just to relieve the stress and agitation I was feeling, even though it caused me pain. I still feel annoyed and I don’t know why. I feel like I drank several cups of coffee when all I had was a cup of tea at like seven this morning. This manic stuff has got to stop eventually, right?

I took an Ativan because I am starting to feel desperate over my situation. I know that if I page my pdoc, she might suggest the hospital and I don’t want to be in the hospital. I am not homicidal or suicidal. I just feel really agitated and I don’t think they hospitalize you for that. I am not psychotic, even though I have been talking to my voices more. But they are my normal voices, not different ones. I am also not delusional or paranoid. I just am irritable and agitated. The most the ER would do is give me drugs to calm me down. I have drugs at home I can take. I don’t need to be in the ER to take their drugs or waste time there. I might take a trilafon if the Ativan doesn’t work. Least I am cooped up in my room with the AC on. I also took my pain meds for my ankle to calm it down. I am just so annoyed that I am in pain. Maybe the pain is what is causing the anxiety to shoot up. Not like that hasn’t happened before. I am just so tired of feeling like I am going out of my mind. I actually would love to be depressed right now because it is what I know best. I am not used to feeling like I am really nervous and agitated and anxious all at once.