Tag: chronic physical pain

Another Pain Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Pain Day

I have been up since 6 this morning. I tried to go back to sleep but I failed miserably. Ankle has decided to be a bitch today. I realized that since I have been in the house for most of the week, I can’t do hills. I went to pick up my niece from her after school program and I was so out of breath from walking up the little hill to my street. I used to do that with no problems. Now it is a problem and I don’t like it. Granted being in pain didn’t help matters. I then went up the two flights of stairs and I didn’t have a problem breathing. HUH?? Why is it I get winded on hills but not the stairs?? Strange.

I didn’t go out today, other than to pick up my niece. I wanted to go to the store and get some cream but I was in too much pain and I didn’t want to waste spoons. I took a shower before picking up my niece and that was pushing it. But I had to change because it has been a few days since I last took one.

Despite the temperature cooling off outside, it is hot in my room. So I have the AC on to cool off. The heat is not helping my ankle. I just can’t stand it being more than 70 degrees in my room. It just feels stuffy. I am trying to stay awake while writing this but it’s difficult as I am so tired. I am in so much pain though I doubt I will sleep. It has been an 8 out of 10 all day today. I don’t see the new foot doc until Halloween. I am trying to schedule an appt with my pdoc the same day but she is being elusive with her emails. I give her a time frame I can see her and she doesn’t respond. She did call in a refill for me seeing as I will run out by the time I do see her again.

I waited all day for a stupid secretary to call me back and she never did. I will have to call on Monday now. Just drives me crazy when people say they are going to call and they don’t.

God, I wish I did something to have this pain that I am in but I didn’t do anything. I might have done a few more stair climbs than usual because I have had the hungry horrors today but that has been it. I really can’t stand this anymore. It’s driving me crazy. But watch, my ankle is going to “miraculously” be okay the day I see the doc. I am sure that day is going to be a low pain day. OI. And there is a hurricane in the mix this weekend so maybe that is why my pain is off the charts. I don’t know anymore. I have decided that I am just going to do what I do and the hell with the consequences because my ankle is going to do what it is going to do no matter what. I don’t have control over the pain levels any more. Gone by the way side is taking one pain pill a day. Now it’s 4-6 pills a day. And sometimes, that isn’t enough. There is no getting ahead of the pain because the pain occurs so out of the blue like it is hard to gauge when you are going to have a flare up. Surprisingly, I am not suicidal throughout these pain episodes. I think if I were, I would have to be hospitalized. But then, I wonder which side of the fence I would be hospitalized, medical or psych? If I am suicidal because of pain and if you take the pain away, then I am no longer suicidal. It’s a tough call. I think there have been times I have wanted to page my psychiatrist because I don’t know what to do anymore and I am staring at a bottle of pills. Then there will be other times where I just wish I was dead. There is no medium. There is no one I can commiserate with. No one understands. You tell them you have an injured ankle and they immediately ask “how did you do that”? I have no answer because there was nothing I did that caused this. Least not that I know of. And that is the frustrating part. Maybe I just have CRPS and that is the price I have to pay because I have “evil” thoughts. I don’t know.

The other day I read that some where in Michigan, a body was found at a shopping center. It reminded me of a twisted short story I read by Lawrence Block years ago. There were these two brothers that would vacation together. It seemed normal. They both planned to go to a different state and do some vacationing. Except toward the end of the trip, they would kidnap a lady at a shopping center and do their business with her then kill her and leave her in the woods or some remote place. Creepy story because it had a realness to it. That is what I love about Lawrence Block’s books. He just recently had one of his books turned into a movie. I haven’t seen it yet because, again, it is a twisted story. There are these two guys that love to mutilate women’s breasts before killing them. But they kidnap the women for ransom first. I have read the book at least three times. It is a good book, but I don’t know that I can see what I have read.

baseball and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baseball and other things

Two pitchers that are on opposing teams have made the post season. Jake Peavy (SF Giants) and John Lackey (St. Louis Cards) used to be pitchers for the Red Sox organization and then were traded so the team could be worse. I am happy that one of them will make it to the World Series again this year. I am just having trouble rooting for one of the teams. I like both pitchers, though I am partial to Lackey because of all that he overcame with his Tommy John surgery. I am undecided for now and will wish them well until they reach the final playoffs. Then I will root for the NL team because I don’t think the Royals have what it takes to be WS champs. I could be wrong but I know with rest, team doesn’t do well when they get back into the game. I have seen it time and time again.

My ankle is absolutely being a brat today. I woke up around 6 with it hurting and it hasn’t stopped since. I don’t know what I am going to do anymore, or not do. I wanted to get some cream for coffee today but it was pouring cats and dogs out so I stayed in. It’s been a miserable, muggy day. And today I hate CES more than usual because I had a BM that caused me to have nerve pain in my bottom for the last few hours. That is driving me crazy but it seems to be dwindling now that I have taken my pain meds. I was going to take some gabapentin for it and I might tonight to help me sleep better. I am trying not to drink. I forgot to take my heartburn medicine last night and now I have heartburn up the wazzoo. I know if I drink gin, it will flare up worse than it is now.

In other news, I heard that one of my favorite pitchers wife was hacked. She had nude pics on her phone and hackers hacked the phone. Why in the world would you take nude pics of yourself?? I don’t understand it. Stop being a dumbass and things like that won’t happen!

I feel really rotten. My ankle is still being a bitch. Pain meds have lowered the pain but not by much. I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t get pain relief soon. I am already on the verge of crying. It won’t take much to let myself go, especially after what happened this week. I just hope that when I buy the diapers next week, I don’t get funny glances. I would purchase them in Amazon but I would pay too much for shipping and they are more expensive. Plus they don’t have the size I want. Sucks man.

I still have to write something for this book that I am co-authoring. The ideas have been percolating in my brain but no clear thoughts have run through it. I was going to do it today but I can’t seem to write when I take pain medication. I either get hungry or I need to sleep. I will try to do it tomorrow, if I don’t get interrupted by anyone. I am expecting just one phone call tomorrow from my father’s surgeon’s secretary. He finally agreed to have surgery. I am thankful for that. Now he won’t be such a grump and be hopefully more comfortable.

I had therapy today and like all days toward the end of the week, she is quiet. She was animated yesterday but today she was quiet. I really didn’t want to talk to her. By half way through session, I was thinking about hanging up on her. But I knew she would call back and I would hate that. I don’t remember much of what we talked about, only that we talked about my blog and the last blog I sent her about being mad at her. I think we are going to be seeing less of each other next week as next week I got a few days where I am taking my father for doctors appointments. I just hope that I can squeeze her in on Thursday. Otherwise, we are not talking that week. And that will suck.

Random 747

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.

it’s 0230

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0230

I woke up around 0230 and I can’t seem to get back to sleep. So I decided to write for a little while.

I made it through the night not drinking. I am really tired but I can’t seem to sleep. Avoiding alcohol was huge tonight. Though I think that if I did drink, I would still be sleeping. Oh well.

My ankle is hurting me so I have taken some pain pills. One more day before I see the new doc about this. I am not too hopeful he is going to find anything wrong with my ankle. But I am scared that I will be placed in a boot. Just in case, I am bringing my old one with me. You never know what he will do. I partly hope that he orders another MRI to see what is going on with my ankle, to make sure nothing has changed since the last one. I know I won’t be having an injection and I will make that clear. I just don’t believe in them and they only work 50% of the time so why chance it. I don’t like those odds. I rather be on oral steroids than have an injection. And I will bring that up to him as well. A friend of mine was telling me that I could have adhesions in the ankle after all this time. I don’t like that idea either. But we’ll see what this doc says. I just hope that it hurts enough when I see him otherwise, I am seeing him for not. I don’t want to be in excruciating pain, but just enough for him to see what I am going through. I have a “rest day” today though with me being up this early, I am not sure how much I will be resting. Sometimes I sleep a few hours and then I am up and others I am sleeping till noon.

I don’t have new answers for the doc. Just the same, single question, “what is wrong with it”? Three years this has been going on and three years, no one can give me a direct answer. If it was a case of tendonitis, I have done everything to make the swelling go down and yet soon as I move it, it flares up again. I can’t be immobile. I also can’t run the risk of wearing a boot around the house for fear of falling down the stairs. Even without the boot, I run the risk of falling because I don’t know where my feet are. There have been a couple of time in the last few weeks where I missed a step or over shot a step and nearly toppled over. If I wasn’t hanging on to the banister, I surely would have fallen. That is the problem with CES, not knowing where your feet are. I am usually good about where they are but when I am tired or when I just wake up and need to go to the bathroom, that “sense” or mindfulness is not always there. My bladder and holding the contents in seem to take priority. Oh the joys of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. It messes with your proprioception (where things are in space relation) of things. I have this for a long time. It hasn’t gotten better. I just compensate for it really well. But throw in fatigue and that compensation is out the window.

Having a huge boot on my foot won’t help the proprioception much. It will actually make things worse because I won’t be able to feel my foot. Hence why I do not want another boot. I hope I am getting ahead of myself. Thinking of all the possibilities that he could do. I could be placed in a cast. I have before to be kept immobile. I am not working so that doesn’t see like a big deal. When I was working it was a big deal because I had to get around the place. My boss yelled at me because I had to call out but then I showed him the big brace I was wearing and that quieted him down some. I understand that you don’t want your best employees to call out, but when they can’t walk around the lab, they are pretty much useless, especially when a doctor tells you to stay off your foot for twenty-four hours.

All these things can happen. Or nothing at all. Less than 24 hours to find out what the verdict will be. And hopefully, my anxiety will be less.