Tag: chronic physical pain

Therapy Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy woes

I had my session with my therapist today and not for nothing, she is a complete air head. I kept telling her I was pissed at HER and she was rubbing it off on my family members, like they were the source of my being mad. Then she was convinced that Jack was the source of the being pissed. I told her I was mad because you didn’t text me back yesterday. I felt that was a legitimate reason to be mad. I texted her at 0730 and there was plenty of time for her to text me a message that she was unavailable. It would only take a couple seconds, well with her maybe a few minutes, but still. Common courtesy. She says she doesn’t text. Bullshit. Most of our communication about sessions are about texts so how can she NOT text. She is just being naïve and that pissed me off more. Most she could have said was that she was too busy and didn’t have the time to text me back. That I might have accepted. But she didn’t. She read my other texts from that day. She read part of the blog I sent her so I know she got my texts.

I then cancelled tomorrow’s session as I am done with her for the week. Our next session isn’t until next week. She doesn’t like it but tough. She was trying to talk me into keeping it but I was against it. I am just so pissed off I don’t want to talk with her. And it is against her. I am tired of feeling like this is a one-way street, I give her input but she never returns it, and I am not just talking about getting back to me about the appointment. I feel like I give her so much and I just get so little in return. Nothing I write about gets acknowledged or validated, least not without some prompting. Most I get is, “yea, I read your text”. So I am left with what am I supposed to do when I feel like that again. I just have to figure out every thing on my own, why bother with therapy? She is just being so useless lately. All last week she just kept on harping on my father and losing spoons. That was what we chatted about ALL THREE SESSIONS. It was like a repeat button on all the days we were talking. I am thinking of sending her this blog but what would be the point? She reads how I feel and then what? We deal with her anxiety over the fact she is clueless about treating me all of a sudden? She still wants Jack to come out and she thinks that is what is causing me to be angry but it is not, not 100% anyways.

I have to deal with my father on Tuesday and I don’t want to be in a public place when we talk. I have no idea when the appointment is, as I will find out on Thursday. I missed the call and I figured might as well wait till Thursday so my father is informed that he has to see another doctor for his problem. I really don’t want to be squeezed with time as I have no idea how long this appointment is going to last. Specialists are rarely on time with appointment schedules. Even the doc he will see on Thursday runs late all the time.

So with Tuesday being out, I have a week of no therapy. Maybe this break will be what I need to regroup and think about where to go from here. I don’t know what I am doing in therapy anymore. I told her today that I wanted to quit therapy and she was like you can’t make that decision when you are angry. Fuck. I can’t stand her. I guess I am wanted her to be reciprocal in what we talk about but I guess that is not going to be the case. We seem to be always talking about apples and oranges lately and I think talking on the phone is the problem. She doesn’t pick up things when I talk but I do pick up things when she talks. She just isn’t as insightful as I she once was. I don’t know when this happened. Maybe it’s been there all along and I just never picked it up until now. But it’s pissing me off going through stuff and not being heard. Like I told her, Saturdays seems to be a bad pain day for whatever reason and I will think about ending my life. Did she offer any resources to deal with this? NO. Did she even acknowledge my suicidality surrounding this? No. So now that I don’t have my therapist to text to anymore, I have decided to use twitter for my venting. I know it leaks to Facebook, but I don’t care. Most people on twitter don’t listen to what I say anyways, despite having over 200 followers. If I am not going to get an acknowledgement from her, at all, I might as well seek other sources of validation. I know I am a nobody. I am not famous in any sense of the word. Funny that the song by Luke Bryan, “Do I”, came on my MP3 shuffle just now. Song is fitting. “Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Baby, do I?” that line seems to resonate with me right now. I just want to know if I am still good enough for therapy or if I should be turned away and get on with my life. Even if I do send this to my therapist, there is no way I can know if she reads it or not. I won’t know until the next time I talk with her. It’s not like she is going to text me or anything. She couldn’t even pick up the fact that I was crying on the phone today. WTF. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately.

It will really suck having to stop therapy and go see someone else. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Seems like after my hospitalization things have gone downhill. And I don’t know what to do to make things uphill anymore. She talks and talks and hardly listens. Then when she does listen, I have to make sure she is still on the line because things are so quiet on her end. For all I know I am talking to thin air and I think that sometimes I am. She is just not on the same page with me anymore and frankly, I don’t even think we are reading the same book. It is really frustrating the hell out of me.

Latte Fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Latte fail

I started the day very early, again. I woke up at 0530. I stayed in bed till around 7ish when I had some breakfast, hoping that it would welcome me back to sleep. Nope. I had weird dreams instead. I swear it was at 45 min intervals that I was awoken by these disturbing dreams. I think I rather have nightmares than dreams that make no sense and that I can’t remember.

I forgot to charge my phone again last night. I think I am testing the battery power throughout the night. If it was fully charged, I probably would have gone out of the house around 8 for my coffee rather than two hours later when I really didn’t feel like doing squat. But I made it out of the house and got my latte. Unfortunately, with the caffeinating, it didn’t wake me up. I am still waiting for it to wake me up, three hours later. I wrote in my journal, but it was broken up my the distraction of Twitter and Facebook. I heard through Gates McFadden that the US Supreme court rejected the appeals for gay marriage. YAY for gay marriage. She said it was the start of a beautiful day. Maybe for her. I am still waiting to feel some good. After stinking up my clothes of coffee scent, I left for the next bus. My mother calls me one stop before the one I get off. She tells me to take the chicken out of the freezer. Soon as I open the freezer door, blueberries make a brake for it. Yup, floor covered in blueberries because they were not in the right container for fucking freezing. I don’t know why my mother freezes fruit when it takes her months to make something. It just nose dives to the floor every time we open the freezer door. Pissed me off. And she has gone shopping and I am going to have to get the bags because my lazy cousin is “tired”. Well I am too and in pain so I beat your ass.

Just am in an annoyed kind of mood, can’t you tell? I should have called the junk car people today but I didn’t. That will hopefully happen tomorrow. I got to get the car out of here before the colder weather comes and then I will have to wait till spring. My brother in law will not be happy if it stays in the driveway another winter. If you can give out procrastination badges, I win. This car has been there for more than two years. It is falling apart. My biggest fear is that the guy will come, see the car, and walk away like he doesn’t know what I am talking about. The bumper has given way and you can no longer see the exhaust pipe. The shocks finally gave way. It is a total junk car.

I am not feeling good mentally. I put in a text to my therapist to see if I can see her today but I haven’t heard back. I might call her in a little bit to ask for a check in. I really need it. I feel like I am falling apart like the car in my driveway. My cousin (lazy one) just asked me how I was doing. I told him lousy. He doesn’t get the pain that I get from going up and down two flights of stairs. There is nothing physically wrong with him so why the fuck can’t he take the stuff up the stairs?? Drives me fucking nuts.

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

I had a bad night of pain last night. I was beside myself. I felt like going to the emergency room but I didn’t know which one would be best for me. It was after 10 pm so it would be crazy hour with drunks coming in and such. Or maybe it would be too early for them. I don’t know. I never went. I just took a strong pain medication and tried my best to sleep.

I was in pain and wanted to kill myself and I wanted to kill myself because I was in horrible pain. I got away this night unscathed. But I am wicked tired today. It hurts to think. I woke up around 0630. I could make a pot if I really wanted to but I think I will pass. I have been trying distraction as best as I can but it’s not working for me anymore. I am listening to music but it doesn’t help my mood. Nothing is helping. I am hearing voices again. They started off as British but now they are just remnants of conversations I have had with my father. It is very disturbing. Hopefully a little perphenazine will work.

Even if I did know what to do last night, I doubt my needs would have been met. That is if I knew what they were. I felt like calling my psychiatrist and asking her what to do. I just was in a bad place and pain was the chief cause of it all. I felt like I needed to talk to someone, someone that knew what I was going through and would be an understanding ear. There are few of those around on a Saturday night. My one blogger friend has started dating so she wasn’t available. My therapist certainly wasn’t available. I wasn’t having a neurological emergency so my neurologist was out. It was a combination of it being a med/psych emergency. And who really deals with that?? I wasn’t staring down a bottle of pills. I wasn’t contemplating hanging myself. I just didn’t want to be anymore. The pain and the “demons’ had collided. Not even blogging was helping because I couldn’t think of what to write. I was in a tough spot and needed someone to talk to that knew about chronic physical pain and being suicidal.
Right now my ankle is killing me. I can barely move it without pain. And I haven’t done anything. I guess two days straight of activity is a no-no. I wanted to change my sheets today but that doesn’t seem to be in the works for today. My mother is hurting too. She wanted to clean the kitchen floor until her back went out on her. I swear it is the weather that is causing most of our pain. I suppose I should call my father and see how he is doing but I really don’t feel like it.

But I finally found something to control my appetite. Kellogg’s mini frosted shredded wheat. I love it. And it has fiber so I have been going a little more regularly without pills, which is a bonus. Any thing that gets my bowels moving without a pill is nice. Now if only I can psych myself up to take a shower, that would be nice. I have gone almost a week without taking one. I think Tuesday night was the last time I took one, but don’t quote me on that. This sucks. I just took a couple of pain pills so I can take a shower. This is what my life has become and no one gets it. It is so frustrating to try and explain what I am going through and be heard. Sure my therapist gets it, but there is more worry in her voice than understanding. She will just go off about how many spoons I don’t have when all I want her to do is listen to me, not tell me what I already know.

The temp dropped over night. There is a chill in the air that wasn’t there yesterday. My mother had the damn kitchen door open when I got up to have breakfast this morning. I was freezing and I am usually not one to complain about the cold. But I was grumpy because I was awake and I was hungry. It was bad enough that I had to wear my slippers to go down the stairs. I really need to take a shower today. I think it will help me feel a little bit better. But it might cause me more pain and that is what I am afraid of.

Playing games on Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Playing games on a Saturday

My ankle is still pretty sore so I have decided to stay in another day. I probably will stay in tomorrow too as there is no bus service to where I need to go. I have been playing my games since 0500, when I woke up this morning. I have four Facebook accounts and I just use them to play this silly, aggravating, annoying, mindless, game. I have to get the stuff I need, and when I don’t get it from my neighbors, I use my other accounts to get the items. So all morning and into the afternoon, I have been playing this game. My mother seems to be bored with TV as she is playing her game, Kismet. It’s a Yatzee type of game.

I don’t know what I did, but I seemed to have pulled a muscle in my groin after using the toilet. I got up the same way I always do, but when I got to my room, I was spasming and in horrible pain. It seems to have settled down some but it is still tender. Just what I need, to be laid up further with my back. I hate being in pain, but it has become my normal. My life would probably be abnormal if I didn’t have one pain or other.

I really wanted to go out today. I wanted to mail my therapist her letters and to buy coffee for the house. But I am sleepy because I took some Ativan to calm down the spasms. There is always Monday to get these things done.

It is kind of cold here in Boston today. I should probably see if there is a college football game worth watching. But I really don’t want to leave the comfort of my bed. I have the internet so I can check the scores. Twitter is no help. I have too much nonsense feed to weed through to find my scores. There are only two colleges that I care to watch, Ohio State and Nebraska. I don’t really know how I fell in love with OSU, but I do know I fell in love with Nebraska when I watched the Tostito bowl back in 1996. That was one incredible game. I never seen a quarterback rush like I did that game. It was really cool. And as my Patriots were sucking that decade, it was pleasurable to watch a football game that was winning. I was in Nebraska when I was watching it. I was visiting my friend’s family. It was the first time being away for Christmas and New Years.

My mood has sucked the past few days, most likely because I have been in pain. I am really worried about the appointment with the foot doc that I have in about two weeks. I just have a feeling that he is not going to find anything wrong and I am going to be back to square one. Worse is that he will only offer injections and that is something I am NOT willing to do. My ankle has been through enough. But I am worried with the ankle swelling reaching my Achilles. I wish I could chuck if off as just doing to much but there was real pain when I touched it. Not a good sign. Swelling appears to have gone down and so has the pain, except in my usual spot. I can’t get the swelling down there behind the malleolus bone. I just have been floating with suicidal thoughts the past few days. Nothing serious, other than that they are there. I haven’t made any plans or anything like that. I just wish I would stop breathing or just not wake up. I am so sick of living with this pain. For three days I have not left my room except to eat and use the bathroom. I want to change my sheets again but I don’t have the energy and besides, the other sheets have not been washed. They are just sitting on the floor of my room. I suppose I should get them washed but everything is an effort. I will bring them down the stairs the next time I have to. Until then, I will continue to play my game.