Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Difficult Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Difficult day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Pain kept me up till almost 0300. I then slept for a few hours and then it was every hour I was up. I really wanted to sleep after my therapy session today but I had to babysit my niece. The pain last night was horrible. I couldn’t move my leg or ankle without severe pain. Every time I got comfortable, the pain spiked, forcing me to move to an uncomfortable position. Then spike again after I had settled down a little bit. I never had such attacks before. It was very weird. But because I had taken my pain pills around midnight, I couldn’t take anymore at least until after 0400. I was exhausted so I just took an Ativan to help me sleep and calm me down as the pain was so anxiety provoking.

I really don’t remember much about what we talked about in therapy. I think we talked in circles without really going any place. I told her about Marsha Linehan’s story, or the pieces I was getting from the Twitter feed that day. I guess she didn’t read my blog about it, just the blog I wrote detailing my reasons for suicide. We didn’t talk about that blog at all. I was shocked that she found the time to watch Jobes’s video that I sent her. I didn’t think her phone was going to be able to play it because it is older than my phone. She has had the same phone for more than six years now. I don’t know how it still is able to play YouTube videos. The important thing is that she was able to see how CAMS works for Jobes and in clinicians working with suicidal patients. He addressed the important key factors of his engagement. He, so far, has been lucky that none of his patients have killed themselves. I think that is incredibly lucky to work with an at risk population and not have someone die in the thirty years he has been practicing. My therapist liked what he was talking about “drivers” (aka reasons for suicide). I am glad I watched the video too, or I would be clueless as to what she was talking about. Course, Jobes is my idol so why wouldn’t I watch a video with him in it? I am sort of his professional stalker. I look out for anything he has written and take it as the word. I hope one day I can be a successful therapist like him.

My therapist also talked a lot about how I am the exception and not the rule today. It was making me roll my eyes. She has told me this about a million times. And every time she tells me this, I take it as a challenge to prove her wrong. I don’t know if that is one of the reasons that “drive” me to suicide. I figure I am supposed to be dead anyway with all the stats against me. Yet, I am still here. And it pisses me off because I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep and have ongoing nights of pain and misery. I know tonight I run the risk of having yet another night of pain because I was going up and down the stairs today most of the day. My sister made some food that I liked and I had to babysit, twice. Already my ankle is throbbing. I would take some pain meds but I know in an hour or two I will be saying goodnight. Least I hope I will. Last night, the pain meds didn’t tell me good night until almost 0300. I really thought I was going to have an all nighter. I just could not sleep.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my PCP. I hope it goes well or I will be in bad shape mentally. I know he is going to give me a lecture about my weight. I wish he wouldn’t because I already feel bad about it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to my therapist about it today. We were all talking around the elephant in the room (suicide). We also talked about my Twitter buddy Jay and how I think she knows him. I sent her a pic of him and his name. It will be really funny if they had worked together at the same place.

Other than feeling really tired, I am fed up that I have been in pain for almost a week now. I haven’t left my house since Thursday when I saw my father. Tomorrow, I will have to go out to see my doc. I canceled my therapy appointment so I wouldn’t have to finagle the bagel trying to find a spot for me to talk with her for an hour. I like talking with her in the comfort of my room. So she conned me into talking on Thursday.

two days of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 in pain, again. It was the continuation of last night. I took some pain meds and then hobbled to the kitchen to make some breakfast. After that, I went back to sleep and stayed asleep until my mother called me around 1515. I heard her come home and was going to yell at her for not telling her second mother (aka my aunt, her sister) that she went to the doctors this morning. My aunt, who definitely has an anxiety disorder, was flipping out because she couldn’t contact my mother. She was calling the house like every fifteen minutes. I luckily had turned off my phone because if she woke me up, not like she didn’t with the million phone calls to my mother’s line, I would have screamed at her. She left me a panicked message and then when I called she was even more panicked but sly. She said she was going to go to the house (which I doubt as she never goes anywhere outside her home). She lives a few houses down from me. But the whole situation and the excess worry was for nothing. She had forgotten my mother told her she was going to the doctors and when she couldn’t remember, she was in a panic of her own anxiety making, calling the doctor’s office to see if she was there. Surprising to me that the office would tell someone that they were at the office given that is what HIPPAA is all about. I guess someone didn’t care this morning and gave my crazy aunt the information she was looking for. Not ever going to that doctor’s office. I am just bullshit that my sleep got interrupted, again by this crazy bitch. And it’s not like she waits three rings, nope. She calls and lets the phone ring for an eternity or at least until the damn answering machine kicks on. I am so annoyed. When my mother called me around 1515, I did yell at her. I don’t know why my aunt is so fucking nervous about not getting in touch with my mother fifty times a day. And if she doesn’t get a hold of her, she fucking panics, like the world is coming to an end.

I tried going along with the conference tweeting today but I just wasn’t as interested. They had someone tweet Jobes this morning and the tweeter kept misspelling his name, so I would modify the tweet and correct it. She has done this a few times in the last day or so, misspelling people’s names. And it is annoying me. Get it right or don’t tweet at all, for crying out loud. People are not going to know who Jones is or Quinet. Then I got a tweet that one of the past presidents of AAS was doing a panel with students. I cringed. I hate this guy and the fact that he is trying to influence fresh minds, well, it bothers me! He just rubs me the wrong way.

I still am in pain and might go back to sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist with a “why” subject line and then realized, I never asked her a question. She never responded. I might email her again and ask what is the point of living this crap when I am in pain all the time. And I don’t mean mentally this time. Two days of being in pain is not fun. I really feel like a HUGE hypocrite because I am for suicide prevention for others, just not my own. I know one day I will die by my own hand. Question is when.

I just am not a happy person. I have accepted myself as being chronically depressed. I don’t think things are ever going to get better, for me, anyways. My mood is like the stats of blog. One day I might be hitting 80 views and the next I might hit 9. Or vice versa. I never really know who will be reading my blog just like I don’t really know how my day is going to go. I do know that if I am in pain, I am screwed. I stay home, I don’t go out. I take my pain meds that either knock me out or keep me up. I am just glad I have Starbucks coffee that I make at home. It might not keep me up the entire day, especially when I take my meds, but it sure clears the cobwebs so I can write or read.

Right now I am reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky. My therapist asked me what it was about and I wouldn’t tell her. I was not in the mood to give her a book report. Frankly, this book has taken so many turns in the first part that I don’t think I am following it. But it keeps you wanting more, and so I read more. I haven’t read it in a few days because my head just couldn’t get into it. Plus, the print of the book is tiny and I am having trouble reading it as my glasses are now expired. I hope with the new set of glasses, the print is better. I am going to get new glasses sometime next week, if I can get to Harvard. But it all depends on if I get my LTD payment or not and my level of pain. I really wanted to get out today but waking up before 0700 just sucked and I got depressed. I said the hell with it. I didn’t even make coffee today.

Finagling the Bagel 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.

sleepless night 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t sleep. I got a lot of things on my mind. One is how I am going to afford groceries next week when I get paid. The nice thing about PeaPod (online grocery delivery place) I can preview my order. I just don’t know if I will have enough money for groceries and my meds. I really would hate to rob Peter to pay Paul again. But we’ll see.

A friend got my book and started reading it. She emailed me and said that she was upset but didn’t elaborate. I am still waiting for a response to make sure she is ok. But I might not get one till morning.

I started working on my short story and then got out of ideas. I literally was staring at the last word I had written and couldn’t think of anything else to write. I am short of like 80 words to make 1000. I know I can do it but I just need to get into the mindset. It just is so hard when I am not feeling it.

I watched a YouTube video on back pain. It was really stupid in my opinion. I didn’t find it helpful at all. But he did mention Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), which I guess it is important but he didn’t go into grave detail about it. He just said that if your bladder or bowels are affected you have CES. He didn’t say go to the hospital right away, nothing. Just that it was a “red flag”. So stupid.

My menses finally stopped today. I am so happy. I can wear boxers again. I hope this is the last of it. I kept track this time so I will know how long it has been since the last time. I don’t have a good memory anymore so it’s important that I write things down. Course, remembering where I write it is also important.

I don’t think my friend is going to email me back tonight. Oh well. I do hope I hear from her tomorrow. I am going to try and go to sleep. I think I will take some Ativan to help me relax a little bit. I read some of the Civil War book today so I really don’t want to read another chapter. I finally read about Gettysburg.

Foot has decided to act up so I will be up for a little while longer. Fucking hate when I want to sleep and it gives me zaps. It caused me to jerk my ankle and now everything hurts. It flared up the pain syndrome. Just what I needed, not!