Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

worrying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up a couple of hours ago because my phone woke me up to tell me it was time for my medication. I didn’t want to get up, nor wake up. But I reluctantly did, took my meds and tried to get back to sleep. I am not sleeping as you can tell.

My thoughts seem to be revolving over my father. I feel like I am missing something with his medication. I just don’t know what it could be. All I know is that I am having a bad feeling about this and I don’t like it.

My pain is astronomical right now so I am not thinking clearly. My leg and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I think my ankle is going to win. I know I should probably read the stupid book I have about the civil war but it’s a drawn out affair. The author is dragging out 1861 like it was the only year of the civil war. I am completely bore by this book but I am one of “those” people that once I start a book, I have to finish it. So please don’t tell me how it ends, LOL. If I had known more about this book, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. It already took 276 pages before the war started. I have 500 more pages to read to get to the ending. I have no idea if they are going to stop talking about the war and a little bit of reconstruction or what. That might be volume II. I will say this, even though the author goes around in circles, he does write eloquently and keeps you engaged in the book. I wouldn’t recommend the book to anyone, unless they like long, drawn out books about the civil war. I primarily bought it to learn more about the battles of the Civil War but even those are hidden and not too clear. But I will finish the book, however long it takes me.

I don’t know why, but after I take my meds, I get really hungry. I usually just make something small, like a bowl of cereal. I have found that eating shredded wheat helps keep me full longer than any other cereal that I eat. And it keeps me regular so that is a plus.

I hope my father is going to be okay. I really don’t want another incident where he has to be in the hospital. I also hope this worrying is for nothing. I am going to try and go back to sleep now. After I have a little something to eat.

Sunday hurt blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday hurt blog

I spent the morning dealing with my father. He had a visiting nurse come see him and she was all fucking stupid over his blood level. I was like, he hasn’t taken the drug in almost a week, of course the level is low!! But she needed a MD, a doctor, to explain it to her. Fucking moron.

Then I get home and as I was filling a pan with water I got dizzy. My mother sees this and then comments saying, what are you dizzy from working? FUCK YOU, I wanted to say to her. You know I was going to ask her for 5 bucks because I need it but I think I am going to stick it where it will really hurt her, my check that I give her. I will take $50 off it every time she is disrespectful to me. See how she likes that. She thinks she is being cute, be cute. You will end up with NOTHING and then I laugh. Thanks for being concerned and everything. Damn bitch. I never give her smart remarks when she is feeling ill. Nor would I. I am just so sick of both my parents being disrespectful to me.

OMG the dog from hell is barking in my neighborhood again. I wish I knew where this pooch lived so I could call animal control and have them silence the dog. There should be a law saying that a dog shouldn’t be out in public areas for 16 hours a day! That is just cruel!! I really just want a muzzle put on the yapper. Stupid fucking dog, and they always seem to put the dog out when I want a nap. Fuckers.

I am just in a pissed off mood today. I didn’t sleep too well and I had to get up early for my father’s bullshit appointment. I have one day where I have a reprieve from him. Then I got to deal with him on Tuesday again. Just shoot me, please??

Because I missed my psychiatrist’s appointment, I don’t have one in the books. She hasn’t answered my email and I am getting ticked off. But I know this is the game we play. I email her a thousand times until she answers. Then I go to voicemail, then I go to paging her. Just to get another appointment. I wish I could just call the office but she does her own scheduling. Another annoyance. Is it gin o’clock yet?

I have been drinking gin a little more than I should and I don’t really care. I need an escape hatch. I nearly killed my father, unintentionally and I feel it is my fault he developed an ulcer. If I kept on his medication, this probably wouldn’t have happened but God knows when the last time he ran out of his medication. Now I got to deal with his PCP, who is clueless about the current events. I will do that after I had a chance to talk to my sister about her car availability. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. Probably have him switch to another PCP in Boston. I don’t know if that is going to happen soon or not. I’ll have to find out on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday. UGH.

I am feeling really stressed out about having to take care of my father’s medical issues. I don’t know if it’s because I have been in pain more I just can’t handle stress the way I used to, or what. My leg is killing me as I am writing this and all I want to do is take a nap. I just wish the pain would stop so I could think a little more clearly. Pain is just inhibiting my vulnerability and I don’t like it. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

Latte Fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Latte fail

I started the day very early, again. I woke up at 0530. I stayed in bed till around 7ish when I had some breakfast, hoping that it would welcome me back to sleep. Nope. I had weird dreams instead. I swear it was at 45 min intervals that I was awoken by these disturbing dreams. I think I rather have nightmares than dreams that make no sense and that I can’t remember.

I forgot to charge my phone again last night. I think I am testing the battery power throughout the night. If it was fully charged, I probably would have gone out of the house around 8 for my coffee rather than two hours later when I really didn’t feel like doing squat. But I made it out of the house and got my latte. Unfortunately, with the caffeinating, it didn’t wake me up. I am still waiting for it to wake me up, three hours later. I wrote in my journal, but it was broken up my the distraction of Twitter and Facebook. I heard through Gates McFadden that the US Supreme court rejected the appeals for gay marriage. YAY for gay marriage. She said it was the start of a beautiful day. Maybe for her. I am still waiting to feel some good. After stinking up my clothes of coffee scent, I left for the next bus. My mother calls me one stop before the one I get off. She tells me to take the chicken out of the freezer. Soon as I open the freezer door, blueberries make a brake for it. Yup, floor covered in blueberries because they were not in the right container for fucking freezing. I don’t know why my mother freezes fruit when it takes her months to make something. It just nose dives to the floor every time we open the freezer door. Pissed me off. And she has gone shopping and I am going to have to get the bags because my lazy cousin is “tired”. Well I am too and in pain so I beat your ass.

Just am in an annoyed kind of mood, can’t you tell? I should have called the junk car people today but I didn’t. That will hopefully happen tomorrow. I got to get the car out of here before the colder weather comes and then I will have to wait till spring. My brother in law will not be happy if it stays in the driveway another winter. If you can give out procrastination badges, I win. This car has been there for more than two years. It is falling apart. My biggest fear is that the guy will come, see the car, and walk away like he doesn’t know what I am talking about. The bumper has given way and you can no longer see the exhaust pipe. The shocks finally gave way. It is a total junk car.

I am not feeling good mentally. I put in a text to my therapist to see if I can see her today but I haven’t heard back. I might call her in a little bit to ask for a check in. I really need it. I feel like I am falling apart like the car in my driveway. My cousin (lazy one) just asked me how I was doing. I told him lousy. He doesn’t get the pain that I get from going up and down two flights of stairs. There is nothing physically wrong with him so why the fuck can’t he take the stuff up the stairs?? Drives me fucking nuts.

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

I had a bad night of pain last night. I was beside myself. I felt like going to the emergency room but I didn’t know which one would be best for me. It was after 10 pm so it would be crazy hour with drunks coming in and such. Or maybe it would be too early for them. I don’t know. I never went. I just took a strong pain medication and tried my best to sleep.

I was in pain and wanted to kill myself and I wanted to kill myself because I was in horrible pain. I got away this night unscathed. But I am wicked tired today. It hurts to think. I woke up around 0630. I could make a pot if I really wanted to but I think I will pass. I have been trying distraction as best as I can but it’s not working for me anymore. I am listening to music but it doesn’t help my mood. Nothing is helping. I am hearing voices again. They started off as British but now they are just remnants of conversations I have had with my father. It is very disturbing. Hopefully a little perphenazine will work.

Even if I did know what to do last night, I doubt my needs would have been met. That is if I knew what they were. I felt like calling my psychiatrist and asking her what to do. I just was in a bad place and pain was the chief cause of it all. I felt like I needed to talk to someone, someone that knew what I was going through and would be an understanding ear. There are few of those around on a Saturday night. My one blogger friend has started dating so she wasn’t available. My therapist certainly wasn’t available. I wasn’t having a neurological emergency so my neurologist was out. It was a combination of it being a med/psych emergency. And who really deals with that?? I wasn’t staring down a bottle of pills. I wasn’t contemplating hanging myself. I just didn’t want to be anymore. The pain and the “demons’ had collided. Not even blogging was helping because I couldn’t think of what to write. I was in a tough spot and needed someone to talk to that knew about chronic physical pain and being suicidal.
Right now my ankle is killing me. I can barely move it without pain. And I haven’t done anything. I guess two days straight of activity is a no-no. I wanted to change my sheets today but that doesn’t seem to be in the works for today. My mother is hurting too. She wanted to clean the kitchen floor until her back went out on her. I swear it is the weather that is causing most of our pain. I suppose I should call my father and see how he is doing but I really don’t feel like it.

But I finally found something to control my appetite. Kellogg’s mini frosted shredded wheat. I love it. And it has fiber so I have been going a little more regularly without pills, which is a bonus. Any thing that gets my bowels moving without a pill is nice. Now if only I can psych myself up to take a shower, that would be nice. I have gone almost a week without taking one. I think Tuesday night was the last time I took one, but don’t quote me on that. This sucks. I just took a couple of pain pills so I can take a shower. This is what my life has become and no one gets it. It is so frustrating to try and explain what I am going through and be heard. Sure my therapist gets it, but there is more worry in her voice than understanding. She will just go off about how many spoons I don’t have when all I want her to do is listen to me, not tell me what I already know.

The temp dropped over night. There is a chill in the air that wasn’t there yesterday. My mother had the damn kitchen door open when I got up to have breakfast this morning. I was freezing and I am usually not one to complain about the cold. But I was grumpy because I was awake and I was hungry. It was bad enough that I had to wear my slippers to go down the stairs. I really need to take a shower today. I think it will help me feel a little bit better. But it might cause me more pain and that is what I am afraid of.