Tag: depression

One Goal Accomplished

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

One goal accomplished

I finally was able to take a shower at the expense of taking out my back. The temp jumped to 58 degrees and I felt it. Now I am not doing anything. I am going to have to cancel my babysitting duties tonight because I just can’t sit without pain. I feel better, a little bit, emotionally after the shower. I felt like I accomplished something on this dreary day.

I keep thinking about my ex-friend and how she said I had some nerve calling her sick. I said no such thing. I said she needed help and she should get it before she harmed herself. She then proceeded to tell me how bad a person I was. I actually tried to get support from my support group because it got me so upset and one person said I shouldn’t have said that. WTF. I deleted the post. It was getting me no where. So much for a support group. But then, this group is very judgmental. I think I need to find another support group.

I still feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist next week. She finally got back to me with an appointment. I am going to ask her for some sertraline. I know my mood isn’t so black physically but the mental side, I am fearful of another suicidal depression. My appetite today has been better than it has been all week. The heaviness is what worries me. It always keeps me weighed down and struggling for air. It’s also making feel like bawling.

All I want to eat for supper is a bowl of cereal and we are out of milk. I’d walk to the store and get some but my back will kill me. I should have gone earlier but I was too weighed down with the black dog. Maybe tomorrow I will have my cereal. It’s been almost three weeks that I have been craving it but because my appetite has been so poor, I just couldn’t eat it. Maybe I can borrow some from my sister.

I have been wearing my progressive glasses for most of the week. I have noticed that I am seeing better with them on than wearing the single vision. For the first time ever, I was able to read with them on. It could be that I was reading a tablet and not a book, but I still read. I filled out the doctor’s form for my loans. A doc was supposed to fill it out but because the doc doesn’t know me, I figure I help her out some. I will bring a blank on with me just in case when I see her, if I can’t get what I need from SSD.

I hate it when my thoughts are slow. It’s taken me over two hours to write this blog. I just feel so out of it. I just plan on laying low the rest of the evening and maybe finish a book tonight. That is, if my thoughts cooperate with me. I haven’t felt this way since I was doped up on trilafon in the hospital. It’s awful when your thoughts are moving at a turtle pace.

Black Dog II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Black Dog II

I am surrounded by black clouds again despite it being a sunny day out today. I just want to sleep. For the first time in months, I woke up hungry. I thought the worst part of the depression was over but it isn’t. I feel sick to my stomach after I ate. Now all I want to do is go back under the covers and sleep. I think I will. I have nothing to do today.

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can’t go on. Sadly, this familiar feelings are welcome. The physical symptoms of depression has passed but the mental ones have just begun. I will be in agony soon. I want to avoid it. But I know I can’t. I want a coffee but it’s too much trouble to shower, get dressed and go. The bus runs every hour or so because today is Saturday.

I took my morning meds. That’s the only energy I have for today. I really need a shower. But I am much to tired to do what I need to to get it done. Maybe the afternoon would be better. I need sleep now. I am so tired. So very, very tired.

My thoughts are slow today. Everything is in slow motion. I can’t seem to get going even if a fire was lit under me. It’s colder today than it has been all week. I feel like ice is running through my veins. I am so cold.

Last night I had some energy for the paper that has been swirling around my head. I look at the papers in my “office” and I am overwhelmed. Whatever I was thinking about this paper is long gone. I no longer have the thoughts to put down. And I didn’t take any notes to help me remember what I was thinking of writing.

My back is still in the ruts. Must be the change in temperature. My back can’t handle going from 70 degrees to 30. It’s too much. It’s warming up now. It’s 46 degrees at this current time. Supposed to get up to 60. I won’t be out to enjoy it. I will be staying under the covers hiding from the black dog until it leaves me. I wonder if the black clouds and the black dog are the same thing? Either way I feel so empty inside it hurts. I feel like I have no internal organs at all. It’s just a vast space inside.

Looks like today is going to be another day for sleeping. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything or anything that involves getting dressed. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like shit

I have been yucky all day. I had wanted to run an errand for my mother but it never happened. I will try again tomorrow. I came home from my father’s. He didn’t want to go to the ER because he thinks he will stay there all weekend. So we left. As I was walking down my hallway to the stairs to my bedroom, I got another attack of dizzy spells. I barely made it up the stairs. Now I am getting a migraine. I am seeing the doc next week and I hope that this can be resolved. I ate while I was at my father’s so this isn’t a blood sugar issue, unless my sugar is too high, which is doubtful.

I didn’t get up till 1500 today. I think this is the first time that I slept so late. It was a broken sleep as I was awakened by phone calls. My mother called me twice to see where I was. My sister called to let me know about my father. Then my other sister called for something else. And of course, my father called wanted to know what to do about his condition. He still thinks he is having surgery on Monday.

Physically, I feel so drained. Migraine isn’t helping. I only took two doses of pills today (at different times) and I feel like I took more. I don’t know why I feel so out of it. I also feel weak. The dizziness isn’t helping either. I am glad I didn’t go to the ER. I might have had a bed next to my father. Man that would have pissed him off. The attention would be on me instead of him and he would have had his underwear in a twist.

Mentally, I feel like I should be dead. I have a heaviness on my chest that is making it hard to breathe. I just don’t feel like living anymore. Everything is so dark and gray. I just want to sleep. I have no interest in anything except keeping this blog going. It’s been so hard to write lately. My sister brought up the gun incident today and I nearly had a heart attack. Apparently, my aunt thinks my father would have shot my mother had my cousin not been there. Where she got this information, I have no fucking idea. Now I am having flashbacks/intrusive memories of that night. This has been a hard week for remembering this shit. Some years are better than others. I don’t know why it’s affecting me more this year than any other year. I just know I rather die than relive those awful memories.

Back goes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Somehow I woke up on my back and it hurt so bad. I could stand up or do anything. I was down for the count. I have been sleeping all day from my pain meds. I was supposed to do an errand for my mother but that got curtailed because my father needed me.

I am still feeling depressed. I ate today. My mother made some escarole soup. I didn’t finish it but it was good. I’m still feeling out of it because of the meds. I just hope I don’t have to go to the ER with my father.