Tag: depression

Depression and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a rough day. All I want to do is sleep. I managed to make some breakfast and eat a couple of cupcakes for lunch. I really just want to sleep today but I had to pick up my prescription before it got “recycled” at the pharmacy. They give you three days to pick up the meds. Any longer than that, it gets reshuffled into the stock pile. Today was day number three so I had to get it.

My sister texted me to pick up my niece tomorrow evening. I hope this sleepiness is gone by then. I need the energy to walk to the school and back. I hope it’s cool like today.

I texted my therapist to see if there was an opening and doesn’t appear to be. So I am stuck with talking with her tomorrow. I haven’t decided if I am going to keep Wed’s session or not. I am guessing it all depends on when my cake pops will be ready to be picked up. I am getting them as a thank you to my psych.

I feel really tired. My thoughts are slow. I can’t seem to focus on anything. My appetite is off. I think I am depressed. I really want to read Harry Potter but I can’t concentrate. I am not even close to being half way finished. I hate being in the middle of a book. But things have been so crazy the past two weeks. I am still in awe that I got published in the New York Times. My mother still hasn’t said anything about it. But my sisters have. They are so happy for me. My younger sister bought me champagne the other night. We still haven’t celebrated because I have been in this funk. There has been a bright side. I have sold nine books so far, five from Kindle and four paperbacks. I haven’t gotten any reviews yet. We’ll have to wait for that.

Oh dear god, they are starting a “say no to suicide” campaign. Like that is really going to work. I know it worked for drugs, but suicide is a different thing. It’s deeply personal. Because saying no, always worked for me. NOT! I don’t know who comes up with these things. It’s horrible. And they are doing this to stop stigma. Well you just added stigma to your stupid campaign. How are people going to talk about it if you just “say no”? It really bothers me. Most people in the prevention campaign have been open to talking about suicide, not shutting it down and certainly by not saying “no”. To me, if someone is seeking help and all they hear is the word no, then it further breaks down the lines of communication and there might be a suicide.

I’ve been in a lot of pain today for some reason. My big toe starting zapping early this morning and it is still sore. The lump I have on my good ankle is sore. I just took an NSAID and a pain pill to calm things down. I think the weather change has brought about this pain. My bad ankle is also throbbing, but then, it always is. I have been lucky the past week my pain has been minimal. But now it’s starting to ramp up again. Like I said earlier, other than going to Walgreens, I mostly have been in bed all day. I haven’t even been up and down the stairs that much. Hope it settles down because I have things to do this week and I need to be able to walk.

Sunday Blog 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 6

After all the stupid comments that I have endured with the Times article, it has me wondering if I have borderline personality disorder. The last time I brought it up with my therapist, she said I didn’t have it. I do attend a BPD chat group on Sundays because I have a close friend that has it and I would like to help her, or at least understand the condition. I will again bring this up with my therapist, a least to put my mind at ease.

I babysat for a little bit and asked my brother in law to get me burrito wraps while at the grocery store. He got me fajita. I hope they are big enough to wrap up some eggs and bacon. Baseball game is still going on, a nothing nothing game going to the 12th inning.

I slept most of the day today. I just couldn’t get moving. I think between the beer and my meds, I was toast. I usually don’t drink but will have one drink once in a while. A friend called to congratulate me after I sent him the article. He doesn’t have a computer or care too much about the internet. If it would have been in print, he would have bought the paper. It was nice of him to call.

I am feeling kind of crappy. The depression is setting in, slowly but surely. I haven’t had much of an appetite today. I am sure tomorrow I will be starving. That is how it is. One day I don’t eat anything and the next day I eat everything. I have been drinking water so I don’t dehydrate. I didn’t make coffee today as I woke up too late. I just want to sleep. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. I am glad because I really don’t want to go out. I do have to pick up my prescription. I was going to do that today but never did and the pharmacy is closed now. Which reminds me, I have to fill my pill box for the week. Ugh. I hate filling it but it is better that I do so I am not taking each pill out every night. I woke up too late to take my morning BP meds. I wasn’t planning on sleeping late, it just happened. I think the stress of last week finally caused me to sleep more now that it’s over. Either that, or the depression is causing me to sleep more than usual. I just hope I am not up all night. I doubt it as I feel really tired.

If anyone want to contact me, I have set up a contact page. It’s in the header on my blog. Just fill in the required information and I will get back to you as soon as I can. I set it up because I changed my comment settings for a troll. Once I know that person is gone, I will change them back.

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.

Saturday Blog 32

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got an email from the Daily Prompt and thought I would write about it as it has to do with rituals.

For my blog, I almost always start with how I slept because sleeping is important when you have a mood disorder. I then describe how my day went, how I feel about things, etc. Sometimes I will have a specific topic in mind for a blog and other times, I am jumping all over the place. I usually name these blog “random” or “ramblings”. That is usually my ritual for writing my blog.

For the first time all week, I was able to get at least six hours of straight sleep. I am so glad I didn’t wake up at 0400 as had been the case for most of this week. I woke up around 0600 and felt rested for the first time. I haven’t had breakfast yet because I don’t know what to make. It will either be cereal or an egg. If it’s an egg, I am not sure how I am going to prepare it. I kind of want a sunny side up egg but also could make due to a cheese and egg sandwich.

I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes today. I am excited about making them as I have not baked in a long time. I think the last thing I baked were my malt chocolate chip cookies. Those were a pain and a half getting off the cookie sheet. I have to remember to use parchment paper the next time I make them. My sister is having a BBQ today. It’s really cool out and I hope it warms up some. It would stink to have the guests in the house because it’s too cool to be outside. I have no idea how many people are supposed to come. I know my brother in law’s friends have been invited. It should be a good turn out. I just hope I feel up to it. I am still feeling crappy and my ankle pain has returned. It’s not bad, nothing a pain pill won’t take care of, but I worry it will flare up and I won’t be able to make the cupcakes. Or that if I make the cupcakes, that is all I will be doing.

I thought about going to the grocery store to get some flour tortillas so I could make a breakfast burrito. I was all set to catch the bus and go, then I got lazy and decided not to go. It sucks that I can no longer use my sister’s car whenever I want. Since she upgraded to a big SUV, I can’t drive it. I am not good with big vehicles. My perception is off and I am afraid of sideswiping another vehicle. It’s difficult to manage getting out of the driveway because you can’t really see what is behind you. So I am stuck being a non-driver again.

Both of my college football games are on a network I don’t have but I have FB to the rescue! It won’t be the same as watching the game, but at least I can keep abreast of the score. Plus, I get tweets on the game through Ohio State. Nebraska is on at 2000, so I don’t know if I will be up to catch all of the game. I thought about getting a sports package but why pay more for one stinking channel. The other sports channels I won’t watch so it will be a waste. Baseball game won’t be on until 1800. It’s going to be a long day.

I started working on my mania story. It was difficult because I just wrote the facts and it was short, like not even 500 words short. I am trying to remember that day and the days after I was manic but I really don’t remember it. I know it took a while for me to calm down. I don’t remember if I crashed or not. I think after a two week period, I was started on lithium and so my trial and error with mood stabilizers began. But my memory of the events are kind of fuzzy. It was more than twenty years ago that this happened.

I think I am going to shower and then make the cupcakes. I just hope my mother has cupcake liners. I just realized I didn’t buy them when I did my shopping order a few weeks ago.