Tag: depression

Fall Apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fall Apart

I printed off some stuff for my therapist. It’s only been a few days that she has been gone, but I already miss her. I am really bored and can’t sleep. I keep thinking about how she will be devastated if I were to harm myself while she is gone. It’s holding me back but I don’t know for how long. Things are really tough for me right now.

I feel like I am falling apart. It’s killing me knowing that I can’t end my life this week, or possibly, ever. I am too much of a coward. I spent the night following the All Star Game on Twitter. It didn’t ease my ache. It’s after midnight now and I can’t help thinking about taking my life. I know that I should just go to bed but the thoughts keep swirling like a hurricane. I had a bad headache earlier this evening, but it seems to have dissipated. I took some Advil and it went away. I wish it took the heartache away, too. AL won so they will have home field advantage.

I had posted something about “stopping the use of committed suicide” on my blog yesterday. It was a successful reblog. My cousin read the article and she was grateful as her brother died by suicide in 1998. I didn’t know this. I feel bad for her. I see her soon, I hope. She invited me to a party in August.

I am emerged in suicide tonight. I can’t help thinking about it. But it’s getting late and I should be sleeping instead of falling apart. I hate my life and what it has become. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I am tired of fighting my deepest, darkest wishes. I just wish to be gone. There is no hope for me here. I am a useless SOB.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I am going nuts. All I can think about is death and dying. I really want to die. I wouldn’t mind it if a bus ran me over right now. Though it will be strange for a bus to run me over while I am in my room. Maybe tomorrow it can happen. Or should I say, later today. I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. I am too tired to go on living this way. It’s horrible to be in pain like this and not have a remedy to ease the heartache. I don’t even know what is causing me this pain. It just came on so suddenly and took my breath away. I hate when this happens and there is nothing I can do but listen to music and take an Ativan and hope for sleep. I am so exhausted and I didn’t do anything today to make me exhausted like I am. It’s like I pulled hard labor but I didn’t. Most I did was walk a few blocks to pick up my niece. It was like walking one big block from home to school and back. I usually don’t walk that far because it hurts my ankle. But the weather was really warm and it wore me out walking. I am not even 40 yet and I get so tired so easily. It’s pathetic. I wish my plan were on for Friday. I would end my life then and it would finally be over with. I wouldn’t wake up anymore. I just pass out and die. I won’t say how I will die. I just hope that I do die soon. I pray for death just like those slaves on the plantations that were treated cruelly. But I doubt it. I have a long genes in my family. Hell, my father is 83 and his sister is 91. I don’t want to live that long. I think 39 is a ripe old age.

Suffering going on behind the scenes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finished “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. It ended sadly, as all slave books do. The hero Tom gets beaten to death by a master that has no regard for the black’s life, or any other life for that matter. The reason I read the book was to learn. I had no idea how cruel another human being was to another race than I did in this book. And it still goes on in other races. The human trafficking is just another example of slavery, though it is being brought to the TV shows, such as Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Minds, more than the news.

My sister just called to remind me that I am to pick up my niece around five. Not looking forward to going out. It is quite warm out. I hope the temp drops a little bit. It’s not humid just very hot. I got the AC on. I had turned it off because my room got chilly but now it’s back to being hot again.

I have yet to finish my editing. I want to get to it sometime this week. I think the reason I haven’t written anything new is because the editing is hanging over me. I wanted to write yesterday but soon as I opened the word doc, my mind blanked out like the page. I hate when that happens.

I’m feeling very angry that I am made to have to live when I don’t want to. It’s been troubling me that I don’t know why I am still here. I should have take my life ages ago, yet I am still here. Makes me think that maybe I am just not “suicidal” enough or something. Maybe I am a coward. Now that I have finished the “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” book earlier than I thought, I really don’t know what to do with myself for the rest of the week. Sure, I have other books to read. But I have no goals, nothing to really look forward to. I no longer work, so that is out. I can’t go for a walk because it will aggravate my foot/ankle. I just feel so melancholy all the time. Meds haven’t helped me, despite taking the vitamin D. I have a lot of time on my hands and it has contributed to me feeling sad and thinking about death. I am tired of being tired. As much as I try to convey this to my doctors and therapist, I don’t think they truly understand my suffering. I think if they did, maybe then they would allow me to die with dignity. I just don’t want to live anymore. Each day is the same. Nothing interests me, nothing brings me joy or happiness, whatever happiness is. I don’t think I have ever been happy. I don’t believe in it. It is too fleeting an emotion. I would like to feel content with my life, but how do you do that when you are in pain every day and think about taking your life because of it? It just makes no sense to me why I should be living this life this way. I didn’t do anything to deserve it, least I don’t think I did. I have not been mean to anyone on purpose, I haven’t killed anyone. The only person I want dead is me. My therapist wants me to live her sake, not mine. I hate her for that.

I have not heard anything back from the NY Times. I am not holding my breath because I know there is a one in a million chance of them reading my email. Or maybe they have and my story is just not good enough. I plan on emailing the AAS to see if they are going to review my book. It has been a month since I have heard from them and still no word. That might be enough to lighten my spirits for a little bit. It’s hard doing this back and forth living/dying thing. Yes, I want to die, but I don’t know how to really do it without hurting a lot of people. So I just continue to go on being. And it hurts so much because I would rather be dead than be in so much pain every day. Trouble is that no one knows the suffering going on behind the scenes.

Blog Post 1206

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Blog Post 1206

I slept most of the day today. I couldn’t help it. I was just exhausted. Only time that I had woke up was to relieve my bladder. The first time I woke up, which was around 2300 last night, I had a terrible dream that I killed a chicken and there were signs saying that I should attempt suicide. It was a dream that kept on getting worse and worse until I woke up.

I reblogged a post about suicide and the words you should used. “Committed” is a no no. The person that DIED by suicide hasn’t “committed” a crime in his/her death. I wish people would stop saying it, like the author of the story says.

I got a friend that had a pet chicken and the it died today, suddenly. There was no warning about it. Just up and died. My friend is devastated. I hope my dream didn’t influence the death of this little guy. I already feel awful for having the dream. Then a high school friend of mine dreamt she was fishing and caught a chicken. Don’t know what this means. Just totally fucking weird if you ask me.

My therapist is somewhere on the west coast right now. I have texted her safe travels. She will be going to Hawaii for her mother’s and mother in law’s birthday celebration. I hope the weather is nice for them. She said she will be mailing me a postcard, but it will be ok if I don’t get one. I realized yesterday that she was going to be gone the same week as the All Star Game break. So I have no therapy at all this week. Baseball was my therapy and there are no games until Friday. I really don’t know what I am going to do with my days and evenings totally free. I have a bunch of stuff to read but I can only do reading in spurts. Usually it’s a chapter or two at a time. I still am trying to finish “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. It’s hard because the writer write how cruel we were to the African-Americans. Not only did they break up families, they also beat them, sometimes to their death. It’s a horrible read but something I think every American should read.

My psychologist friend has stopped his barrage of tweets on the Hoffman report on the APA’s involvement in the CIA’s torture of detainees. He is back at the silly pictures of his dog and other stuff. I am grateful. I like what he has to say, most of the time, but then he gets into a rampage and it’s hard to follow.

I am still sleepy so I might try and take another nap before taking my night time meds. Or I might read. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I just am so tired. I hate feeling this way, of not wanting to do anything. But I haven’t had too many down days. They are too far and in between.

I am nervous about Friday. I see my psychiatrist then. I really don’t want to see her but she insisted on the meeting. She doesn’t care how I feel that day. I am to see her anyways. I guess it will be good to see her as I won’t be talking to anyone this week other than my family. And even then it’s just about things around the house and so forth. I am kind of scared that my mother is going to freak out over the electric bill when it comes in because I have been using the AC a lot. But I cannot tolerate heat, at all! It drives me crazy and that is the last thing you need when you are already feeling suicidal. I have given her more money to put towards the electric bill to compensate, I just hope it’s enough.

The dream that I had this morning was the first dream that I have had in a very long time. I hardly remember my dreams but this one I did. I will be writing to my therapist about it. I don’t know why I was dreaming about signs saying I should “attempt suicide”. And the lettering on all the signs were purple. I guess a part of me is still wanting to try and attempt. In the dream, I was deeply frustrated. I kept screaming or grunting. And then these chickens came out of no where. I stepped on one and killed it, not on purpose. It was hard not to because there were suddenly under my feet. It was very strange and haunting.

No Sleep Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Sleep Sunday

I went to bed around 2300 and then woke up around 0230. I have been up since. I have tried to go back to sleep and failed because I shut the AC off and woke up from an hour nap. I had breakfast and something is not agreeing with my stomach. I don’t know if it is the new NSAID pill that I am taking or what. I just had a fried egg with toast for breakfast. I didn’t have juice because my stomach was already feeling icky. I have to eat something before taking the NSAID pill. I think it just maybe because of sleep deprivation my stomach is acting up. I just hope I don’t get sick.

I had to mute one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter because he is quoting a report that is 515 pages long. The report is on the American Psychological Association’s involvement with the torture of the prisoners during President Bush’s administration. He has been going on and on and on about it for the past three days. I get that he is highly upset, but if we want to read about it, we will. We don’t need him to disseminate in 140 characters at a time what the report is about. The APA lied about its involvement and it is a sad day in the psychology world. We get it, or at least, I do. I feel bad for muting him, but I couldn’t take reading the tweets anymore. It was horrible what they did to the prisoners.

I don’t think I will be going out today. I am way too tired to do anything. After I had breakfast, I took a much needed shower. That is all that I will be doing. I might finish my editing, read a book, and listen to the Sox game. Not necessarily in that order. I should probably make some coffee but with my stomach upset, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Last night I had another one of those anxiety attacks. It was horrible and this time, I wasn’t in horrendous pain. I think my body has become so used to pain at a certain hour that it goes into the fight/flight mode, regardless of pain or no pain. Just fucking great. I hate dealing with anxiety. The palpitations and fast breathing are no fun. And the nervousness that comes with it, man, it is awful. I can’t stand it.

My therapist is on vacation the next two weeks. She wants me to write her a letter and send it to her so it will be in the office when she returns. I have three letters so far. I don’t know why she wants me to write to her. She is weird. She also wants me to text her. My days are going to be boring with her gone. I have nothing really to look forward to. I can go to Starbucks earlier, however. I usually go after our sessions. It’s supposed to be really hot this week so I am not sure I want to go out. Only things I have really planned this week is seeing my father and psychiatrist. So Thursday and Friday this week will be the only days that I will be going out.