Tag: depression

Rest day, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Rest day, NOT

I have been feeling really down and blah the past two days. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Yesterday, I forced myself to go out and immediately wanted to come back home afterwards. Today, I still was in pain, as I woke up at 0630 with my ankle hurting. There was nothing I could do about it so I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. I am exhausted dealing with pain every day. Today I just wanted to stay in the house and sleep. Did that happen? Nope. My father called me and said that he had to figure out what meds needed to be refilled and picked up at the pharmacy. I told him I wasn’t walking to the pharmacy as I couldn’t go that far. He was feeling lousy and looked terrible. He must have caught a virus and it is affecting him. I made him eat something before I left, after sorting out his medication.

This totally wiped me out and my leg was not too happy with me. I am hurting really bad so will need to break out the stronger pain medication because I just can’t take it anymore. Even going up the stairs, I am just dragging my ass up each step. It’s like my house is filled with mud or something. I just can’t find energy to move. It’s a quarter to six as I am writing this and I could just go right to sleep. Last night, I went to sleep around 1830 only to wake up around midnight. It was good that I did wake up because I didn’t take my night meds. I still have to take a shower and I don’t want to. But I smell and my shirt is dirty as I spilled some stuff on it. I can’t sleep in this shirt.

I think I am tired from all the crying I did yesterday. Damn country music! So even though I know my leg is going to really hate me, I am going to take a shower. Then I will take two strong pain pills and go to sleep.

Finagling the Bagel

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Finagling the bagel

I spent today going over how much it was going to cost me of my OTC meds, specifically my allergy meds and laxative. I couldn’t find them cheap at the two pharmacies that I go to. But Amazon saved me. For the laxative, it was buy two bottles for one. I was so happy and in order to get free shipping, I got 4 boxes of cereal. I eat a lot of cereal because it helps to keep my weight down.

I still have to get my prescription medication. That is going to be no finagling. I have about 5 or 6 meds I need. I have decided that I just won’t eat out this month. When I get my check, I usually order one meal out. But this time, I just can’t. I still don’t know how I am going to get my powerade for the month and a haircut. It’s stressing me out that I don’t have money for these items, but I might call to get my car junked tomorrow. I just hope I have the stamina to do it. I was going to do it today but I was just too tired. I had a really long day yesterday and today I felt like a truck hit me. I was just so very tired. I know part of it is that I took my pain meds because my leg was hurting me when I woke up. I just now took the last of them. The pharmacy lied and I won’t be able to fill my new script until Friday. So I have another two days of rationing, though not really. I have nothing to ration, except my stronger pain medication. I will only take that as a last resort and if my pain is near a twenty.

I had therapy today. I tried to see my therapist tomorrow, which would have made 4x this week but my she is out of the office. We talked more about my father being a SOB than anything else. I was getting annoyed so I asked to change the subject. She then brought up that I am still “loyal” to him. WTF. Not going there, not today. I had no energy to argue about it. I just reminded her that her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. That cut the talk about my father real quick. We talked about her daughter for a little while and then moved on to something else.

If I was drained before therapy, I was more so afterwards. I was debating getting coffee at my Starbucks. I thought maybe a coffee is what I needed to give me a push. But my plans were spoiled when my cousin gave me a ride. After talking to him for the 15-20 mins, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just got a sandwich and a water. My stomach was feeling icky so I didn’t want to make it more so with coffee. Today sucks. I am exhausted and can’t really deal with anything. I also think I am dehydrated so I got a Gatorade on my way home. I bought a candy bar thinking chocolate might help my mood but I didn’t even open it. I just left it on the kitchen counter and went to my room. I played my games, now I am writing my blog, and soon will be taking a nap. It’s that time of day when I need one. I don’t care if it energizes me for the night. I have meds to knock me out.

The thing that I didn’t talk to about with my therapist was that my suicidality is slowly increasing. I am feeling fed up because I am in pain all the time. I have been in pain nearly everyday for the past week. It’s stressing me out. And I can’t do anything about it. My PCP was saying that the depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse. I was like no shit Sherlock. But what are you going to do to STOP the pain from happening?? He didn’t have an answer. But being in pain is literally driving me crazy. I just want one day of no pain, just so mentally I can rest. But I think the only way I can rest is if I take Ativan because there is not a chance I won’t be in pain anytime soon. And that is killing me, slowly but surely.

but you don’t have…

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/well-at-least-its-not.html

This blog tells it as it is. it is an enjoyable read for those of us that get the stigma of well at least you don’t have…

How Country Music Touches You

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??