Tag: depression

rambling 65

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Had a long day today. The wake that was four hours long seemed to take forever to pass. I just wanted to crawl back to my cave and sleep. It really hurt seeing my aunt in the casket. I don’t believe she is gone. But like the priest said tonight, though we say goodbye to her mortal remains, we hold on to her spirit or something like that.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I need some support right now. I am losing my mind over my father’s health issues and have no one I can really talk to about it. I won’t go into detail here about it as my family would flip if they read my blog. I just am feeling very burdened about the state of what to do and this waiting for his scan results are killing me. I won’t know until Wednesday what they are. I know it is only a few days away but damn that is a long time when you have people tell you your father doesn’t look right. I just feel so awful knowing this stuff. Then after the wake, we went out for dinner and my father had two beers. I wanted to kill him right there. He isn’t supposed to drink at all because of his liver issues. I am more than frustrated. But I didn’t want to cause an argument so I kept my mouth shut. He still thinks he can do whatever he wants, fine. But I don’t want to witness it. I could swear right now but I won’t.

The other thing I don’t get is that you are supposed to grieve at wakes so why is it when you cry, people tell you to get a hold of yourself?? Isn’t that the whole idea of wakes?? Pisses me off. My aunt was a wreck when she saw us came in and when she started crying, I couldn’t hold back the tears. It was just a jerk reaction. I am a weakling when I see people cry. Even if I don’t know them I will cry with them. Sometimes that is all I need to open my flood gates. But I know that I can’t hide in a corner and cry alone. But I guess if I feel like doing that I should because god forbid I let someone see me grieve in public. I just find it frustrating.

I texted my therapist that she is going to have a shit load of letters as punishment for being on vacation. I would have written one tonight but I am too exhausted. I am still fighting sleep just to write this blog. I am glad that my psychiatrist said that she will be there should I need to page her. I don’t see her again till the 10th. But I might check in with her sooner than that. Probably after I find out about my father’s scans. Even though I take Ativan, I don’t think that will cause me to worry less between now and then.

I am hoping my leg isn’t sore tomorrow. I had to have the AFO tighter than usual so that I could pull down my pant leg on my Khaki’s. I would wear dress pants tomorrow but it is going to be cold and snowy. Another snowstorm is in the mix for the day. Just wonderful.

flashbacks and memory lane

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression, medical, psychosis

Yesterday’s blog still has me reeling. For some reason I still feel like the world’s biggest jerk and I don’t know why. I think it just could be the depression coupled in with the voices. I keep on getting psychotic breaks despite being on medication but this week is my anniversary of my first CES diagnosis. Last night I was having flashbacks. Every time I closed my eyes, I was in a hospital bed. Being in pain last night didn’t help. I am trying to cope with this but it is just so hard to deal with all the time because CES affects everything I do. It’s like no matter what, there is a reminder. Like yesterday I was drinking fluids because my urine has been dark the last couple of days, indicating I was dehydrated. Well, I drank and drank only to leak and leak. Then I had to have a number two and almost didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. People think that I am doing fine because I am not walking around with my walker anymore but I am not. I still have nerve damage to sensitive areas, areas that are not part of the normal conversation. Sure we can talk about walking and standing and shit like that, but we hardly ever talk about bathroom stuff. Only a few friends and family members know that I have this problem. Granted it is not as severe as some one else with CES but that doesn’t mean I have CES any less.

The depression I know will fade one of these days, maybe when baseball returns next month. I just know I am stressed out over this book. I am reading it and wondering if I can truly put out the dirty laundry more so than my blog, because once it is out there, I can’t take it back. Having the flashbacks last night made me realize that I still am never going to get over this. Every year there is some reminder and today my scar is itching. I remember after surgery how nasty it felt to move the muscles around because they weren’t together anymore. I remember not feeling “whole” anymore because I had stitches in my back and pieces of disc taken out of me. You never know what that is like until you go through it. Sure people have surgery all the time to take the bad stuff out of them that is causing them disease but they hardly have to face it again and again. And I got CES twice. Lucky me. I have had four back surgeries. The first two was done thirteen years ago. The first was to remove the disc that was causing my legs not to move properly. The second was to remove the infection that happened two weeks later. I had a nice staph infection and had to be on strong antibiotics. These antibiotics almost killed my kidneys and liver. I went into kidney failure and they weren’t sure if I needed dialysis or not. It was a wait and see game. Luckily, after they stopped one of the antibiotics, my kidney function tests came down, albeit slowly. It took almost two months for me to have normal kidney function tests after I stopped the antibiotics. I also was very weak as my blood count got really low. To say that I was anemic would be an understatement. I was told I might need a transfusion if my count got any lower. I didn’t want a transfusion as I always heard stories about things that happen, like a transfusion reaction where you reject the blood you are given. I was scared. And I was alone. It took a few nurses and several family members just to get me to consent to the second surgery. I wanted the infection to kill me. But I am glad I got it because the pus pocket was close to bursting and if the stuff got on my nerves, I would really be in bad shape.

Memories such as these keep popping into my mind. I can remember stuff like this but yet I can’t remember if I had breakfast or not. The brain is a funny thing. I guess it just remembers what it wants to. I just wish it would happen during the day and not at night when I want to sleep! But the depression remembers these things. I know that if I was in a better mind set back then, I probably would have been over this a long time ago. But it’s important to tell people that those with back pain can get CES if they are not careful. All it takes is a herniated disc to rupture and boom, you will have this dreaded condition. I just hope that if this happens to you, you get the care you need within 24-48 hours after onset. Or things might be permanent. I was lucky that my CES diagnosis was caught early to reverse the nerve damage that was preventing me from walking. I can walk without a limp but I still need an AFO (ankle foot orthotic) because my foot is still weak, even after all this time. And no matter how many times I have been to physical therapy and there have been quite a lot, I still can’t regain the strength I lost. I am at 90% recovery. The bladder and bowels were after effects. And most likely caused by the second surgery/diagnosis that was at a different level. That happened five years after my first. I was a lot calmer about the second go round than I was the first. What truly helped me was finding a support group (www.caudaequina.org). Knowing that I wasn’t alone and knowing what to expect truly helped me recover and keep my spirits up.

suicide attempt survivor, some thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

Today I wrote to my writing friend to ask for her help in getting someone to read my book just to see if it was ok or mediocre or sucks. I got a couple of people so that made my day. Then I started thinking of how she phrased the request. I know she used the term “suicide attempt survivor”. She uses that term whenever she refers to me. Every time I hear it, I can’t help but feel embarrassed, ashamed, and labeled. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I am hurt. I am not. I just feel weird being called such a term when I don’t feel like a survivor at all. I feel like I am a dead weight, much like a bookend.

I know she means well and I have not told her how I feel because I am not sure how to approach it. Most survivors that write on the AAS blog feel empowered and most like me don’t want to live life but have to. Others feel like their attempt was a blessing and they are happy they survived it. I don’t feel that way. I just feel like I should be dead, pushing up daisies or dandelions or something. I honestly have no jest for living but I just go on because I feel like I have to. Yet sometimes, I feel like I have to die, like it is my only way out of the situation I am in. I am lucky I have a good therapist that wants me here no matter what. Even though the voices in my head are against her right now, I am glad she is here to tell me that I have to go on, if only to publish my book. But what then? What do I do then when my feelings and life story are out in the world, much like this blog? I still have feelings of suicide and I guess I always will. You can throw away these feeling you have been having for more than thirty years.

But why do I feel embarrassed by this term? Why do I feel labeled? It is, after all, an accurate description. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, one that was medically serious enough to land me on a medical floor in the hospital. Yet despite all these tries, I survived them. I lived through them. So why do I feel like I can’t call myself a suicide attempt survivor?? Or do I need to? There is a growing awareness in the suicidology field that want to hear these people stories. Sure, they are rich for research purposes to help prevent more suicides. Once you attempt suicide, you are at risk for life of doing so again, no pun intended. Others are just curious because they find that taking your life is so unphathomable. I find this interesting. That there are people out there that cannot understand why someone would want to take their life. I feel bad for these people because they have never known hardship or mental illness. Yet even those with hardship never think of killing of themselves. I guess I am just one of the ones that do. I come from a poor background. I paid my way through college though I never did finish my degree because my mental illness got in the way. I have more W’s on my transcript than grades. Yet I still want to finish my degree at the same institution one day, if they will take me back. I do have that hope. I don’t know if it is realistic or not. Only time will tell. I am getting older without realizing it and this troubles me. I never dreamed of living to be in my thirties, yet I am. I have good genes on both sides of my family so I know if I don’t kill myself, I will live to the eighties or nineties. I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want to grow old. It is something that I never wanted to have happen. But I can’t stop time. My birthday comes whether I like it or not, most times not. Every year I think of it as my last. I have no future that I can see. So am I really a survivor?

letters

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I just finished writing my therapist a letter. I have been writing her a letter since we began therapy. It’s a way to express myself and share my thought process about how I feel about things. She was commenting the other day as she told me that I am the only person that writes her anymore. Well if she had fricken email, I would email her, and more often. But she is not into technology so doesn’t do email. I even created her an email account but she doesn’t use it.

Today I babysat my niece for most of the day, which frustrated me. I wanted to work on my book but was too tired to bring it down with me. I was so sleepy. I know I should have made a cup of coffee but I was afraid of the jitters as I haven’t had coffee in a couple of days. My sister didn’t have tea and I didn’t feel like going up and down the stairs to my apartment. I hurt my ankle while reaching for a dish so that made me really stay at my sister’s apartment. My ankle still hurts if I move it the “wrong” way.

So I didn’t work on my book today. I really wanted to but I hate it when my routine gets interrupted. I was looking over the chapters and realized I have quite a lot. I think the book is going to be over 300 pages when it goes to print. I have never written anything that long before, but then the book is over 50,000 words. I hope this editor works out for me. I will be giving her my last payment at the end of the month. Then I think I will start saving some money. I really want to travel next year. My cousin is always asking me when I will be visiting him again and my friend in Texas always wants me to visit her. I am hoping with the sales of my book, I will be able to do this.

I didn’t do too much after I babysat. I tried to take a nap and think I succeeded. I had a weird dream about Taylor Swift. Don’t remember too much about it but I just know I dreamed about her. I don’t know why I have been having these weird dreams lately. My medication hasn’t changed so I am just left with these weird dreams that have no meaning or don’t make sense. I guess I could write my therapist another letter about the dream but sometimes I like to keep my dreams private.

My cuts that I made a week or so ago have healed. I can now wear short sleeved shirts again. I don’t even have a scar from the scratches I made. I am kind of disappointed.