Tag: depression

need to get out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I didn’t do too much today. Watched the Sox game. They lost to the O’s. I’m not happy. Lester just doesn’t have his magic anymore. It’s killing me to watch him take the mound and just throw balls. I don’t know but today’s loss was tough.

I came up to my room to be in a quiet space as my head is hurting me for some reason and it’s so noisy outside. Someone is running a lawnmower, the guy down the street just started his motorcycle. And there is a yappy dog on the opposite street to mine that I just want to strangle to make him shut up. There should be a rule that no dogs are allowed in apartment complexes unless they own the house or have a yard for them to run around in. Having a tiny porch is dumb for the dog. That is not letting the dog out side. That is just getting them out of your hair for a few minutes to annoy your neighbors.

I should have taken a shower today but I don’t feel like it. I will tomorrow as I plan on getting my coffee. I haven’t had coffee in almost a week. It’s been tough with my throat being so sore. I am feeling better today and my appetite is back to normal. I still am congested but there is nothing I can do about that.

I don’t know really what I am going to do tomorrow other than get out of the house for a couple of hours. I am dying to go out as I have been stuck in for more than a week now with this awful cold. I hope that I can work on my book for a bit and maybe write another blog or journal. I don’t really care as long as I am out.

sleeplessness and mania

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

I have been up since 0130. I have tried going back to sleep but it has been a useless battle. My throat is still hurting but I don’t see my primary until next week. I feel silly making an appointment a week apart.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the symptoms I have been having. I told her about the euphoria last week and now me not sleeping. I feel manic but I don’t have the euphoria to go with it. I also have been feeling under the weather still with this cold or allergies that I have. I am congested all in my head and my throat still hurts. I had therapy today and it was quite a treat. I couldn’t speak at normal volume because I still am hurting. I also told my psychiatrist I missed two days of meds because I couldn’t swallow. I still can’t swallow too good but it is better. Every thing doesn’t go down like rocks. So far I have not heard back from her and I am kind of worried when she doesn’t respond. I want to know what to do or if I should just do things on my own. I am really shocked that I only slept for about four hours with taking 1200 mg of Neurontin. That shit usually knocks me out for at least twelve hours.

I had my buffalo wings for lunch. I was so looking forward to them. I should have put them on broil for a few minutes to have them crispy but I was so hungry I said the hell with it. I have not eaten since yesterday. And I have been up for thirteen hours now. After I write this blog, I am going to try and take a nap. The Ativan I took a couple of hours ago has helped with the racing thoughts. I feel much calmer now but I still don’t see a sleep time in my future.

I had therapy today. That was fun. We mostly talked about me being sick and me being up for so long. I should have gone back to sleep this morning but I never did. I have been on my laptop and I finished watching “Lincoln” the movie. I started watching it last night but I fell asleep. This must have been around 9 or so. Then I wake up 0130 in pain. I texted my therapist most of the night giving her updates. I texted her at 0530 saying I was up and then again at 0630 the same thing. I gave up trying to go back I really did because it was morning anyways. But around 0930 I started to lose some gas so thought I would be able to snooze. Problem was my mother was not home and people were calling her non-stop. The phone just rang and rang, pissing me off. I finally got up to tell the idiot that she wasn’t home but they had stopped calling by the time I made it to my mother’s bedroom.

I have no idea what the hell is going on with my phone. Last week I was unable to make any calls going out. So had the sprint customer service guy go over my plan. I thought it was because I owed them money but I actually had a credit on the account. The guy asked if I got a new phone. I said no. I have had the same phone for over a year. He tells me to power it off and then power it on. I was grateful that he didn’t tell me to take the battery out because it is a bitch to take the cover off and put it back on. Once the phone was turned on, it says that it is connecting to the network activation like a new phone. I was like WTF. Just now I had a voicemail and it says that I have to customize my voicemail. HUH??? I got through the process like I have a new phone. So fucking weird I tell you. So I hope that now I don’t have any problems with my phone after all the updates and such. I still have all my apps and text messages, though I don’t remember hearing my old voicemail messages. Oh well. I don’t remember who called anyways.

The guy from the group psychotherapy called me. He wants to know if I am coming back or if this is it. I am going to tell him it is over. I can’t go back to the group because it just isn’t for me. I was getting wicked suicidal after each session so I know that it wasn’t working out like I had planned. I never felt that way with my other groups.

My throat is still hurting me. It hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I try to clear it, and it hurts just doing nothing. My pain meds help take the pain away so I am happy about that. I just want it to go away NOW. I hate having a cold. And if that is what I have I will be overdosing on vitamin D until this goes away. Vitamin D boosts the immune system with a cytokine that actually helps respiratory infections. I did a lot of research with vitamin D when I was working with researchers so I know a little something about this awesome vitamin. I know that part of the reason I got sick was because I had stopped taking it. I didn’t mean to stop, I just forgot to add it to my pill pack.

I was going to work on my book today but I think I will work on my other project, my Lyrics. It is a compilation of songs that have meaning for me so I write the lyrics down and then I will write what they mean to me. I think it is a good exercise in writing, one that has not been done before, least to my current knowledge. I doubt that I will get it published because of copyrights and such but I can always keep the notebook I am writing in. the copyright people don’t have to know. I often wonder how artists and writers are able to go to the publishers and get the copyrights for their books. Kay Redfield Jamison is one of those authors that uses other people’s work in her books. I wonder if her editor helps her with that or if they contact the publishing company, because most of what she writes the people are dead. For example, she wrote about a letter that Edgar Allan Poe wrote. Pretty difficult to get his permission to publish in her book as he has been dead for over a hundred years.

Poe is one of my favorite authors. I have not read all his works. When I saw the Movie the raven, I revisited his works on the topics they were covering and they were quite strange and creepy. I couldn’t finish reading it. Rats eating a man because he was there with them. Gross! The rats didn’t kill him but the thought of them feasting on him because they were looking for food just freaked me out and I couldn’t read anymore because the man went insane. I forget the rest of the story but it wasn’t good. No my favorite Poe story is the tell-tale heart. I read that in my freshman year of high school and was a Poe lover from then on. I never got to read murder in the Rue morgue but maybe someday I will. I have a lot of time on my hands these days because I don’t work. But reading can be difficult to do at times especially when the depression is bad and you can’t think. I started a book, several actually, and have not finished one except for the books that I had to write reviews for. Even though I have the time, I just don’t manage it wisely. I rather be on Facebook playing my games than read. Though there have been times that I have been bored with Facebook and decided to read any ways. My mother thinks that because I am in my room all the time I am sleeping. She doesn’t know that I am working on my writing or reading or just being on the computer. She tells me that I sleep too much. HA! If only I truly did!! It’s now been almost fourteen hours that I have been up on four hours sleep. But even though I am tired, I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I am just too restless. My brain is not racing but it is over tired like I am. But I am going to try sleeping anyway so that maybe this cold that I have has a chance of spending less time with me.

Until the next time…

a useless therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

I had a pretty exhausting but good day. I had a little hypomania for most of the day but that seems to have dissipated now. I have not crashed yet but I know it is coming on. I am dreading it. Given that I already have suicidal tendencies in the forefront of my mind, it is going to be hard to get away from this crash, depending on how bad it is. I was euphoric for nearly a day and a half, the longest I have ever been in such a long, long time. But I think a migraine interfered with it since I have taken my migraine med I have been feeling calmer and the racing thoughts have stopped.

I am listening to the ball game because I cannot stand watching the game while Dennis Eckersley is announcing. So I am listening rather than watching. I like listening to Joe Castiglione. He has a calming radio announcers voice.

I gave my therapist the blog that I wrote the other night, before my euphoria. It is so weird that I wrote so darkly and then felt the complete opposite within 12 hours. I met with her today as I had my sister’s car. We did not go into overtime. This week I am meeting with her four times. I know that might seem excessive but given my mood swings, it will be good. My thoughts were all over the place while I was talking. I didn’t know exactly what to talk about as she didn’t do her homework of reading the Managing suicidal risk forward that I told her to. I didn’t even see the book on her desk when I came into her office so I know she didn’t read it. I forget now why I wanted her to read it other the fact Shneidman praises Dr. Jobes work. I was kind of hoping that she would pull out an SSF (suicide status form) but my mind was going a hundred directions at once. I don’t remember half of what we did talk about other than me feeling like superman. She wanted permission to talk to my psychiatrist, which I consented. I don’t know what she will say. She thought that since I was euphoric I would give up my idea of being suicidal but I was too giddy to say yes to that. Maybe I was feeling good because I know there is an end to my pain. Wouldn’t be the first time I felt ok after making the decision to end my life. But I also wonder if I felt good because the pain I have been feeling is finally gone for the time being. I did tweak my ankle today just stepped wrong while looking for something in my room. We talked about my pain meds being a factor but for it to last more than a day, I find that highly unlikely. I know the pain med might still be floating in my system but I doubt it would have lasted till now.

I tried to stay focused with the letter/blog. I know I talked about how I got four more followers to make it 190 right now. I am pretty proud of my blog. I know that I touch people with it. And I do get some bloggers that provide feedback. I got a comment today about what I am writing, whether I am trying to reach out to people and I am not. I am just writing to express my feelings. I am not writing for sympathy.

As I got to see my therapist today, I got to see my big teddy bear, Johnny. I miss him. He is just a HUGE cuddly teddy bear. I love him since the day he entered my life 12 years ago. I got him as a gift when I had my first back surgery. He is so big that he couldn’t fit in the bed with me. I had to put him in a chair next to me. I told him today that he would have to take care of my therapist when I am gone. My therapist didn’t like hearing this but I have been telling her for years this.

We did talk about my writing my book. I told her that I would just put my stuff on dropbox for my friend to publish. I then had to explain what dropbox was as my therapist is technologically inept. I really don’t think my book will ever get published. But from what I gather from writers is that you just have to keep writing in order for that to happen. I still want to get a good publisher like scholar or some kind of press but I am not sure I can ever hit the big leagues. I know there are some self publishing companies but I don’t really have the dough to make that happen. And I doubt I would make the best sellers list. I know my blog is successful but I don’t think my life will make the big leagues in the book world. Most people have gone electronic anyways.

I feel like I need another cup of Java I am so tired but I have been up since six this morning. It is now eight thirty in the evening. I just took my night time meds. But I can’t go to sleep just yet because I am listening to the game.

I am starting to feel like shit mentally. I am wondering if I should go back to the hospital but that just always gives me more problems than it is worth sometimes. I don’t really get the help that I need there, depending where I go. Mostly you are counseled by the nursing staff and they are ultimately make the decision on whether or not you can go, not the attending psychiatrist. You are lucky to see the attending more than 10 minutes. And that is not enough time to do any sort of assessment. They basically just ask you questions, are you safe, are you going to hurt yourself and if they questions are no for three days, they send you free. They don’t care what brought you in the hospital. Soon as you are in, your insurance company wants to set you free.

psychache and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Woke up this morning in pain again. I couldn’t stand it. I tried getting in touch with my therapist to have a session to deal with this pain. But couldn’t get in touch with her till after I took my really strong pain pills. I had to break the cycle as it’s been almost ten days now that I have had this pain and nothing seems to be calming it down. I know once the weather decides to stay at a normal temp I will be happy. My brother in law just put in the A/C so my room should be 50 degrees in another hour or so. I hate being this miserable. I really wanted my Isla Flores today but I couldn’t go out because the really strong pain meds put me out and I would be stupid all day. I slept till about an hour before my therapy appt. My therapist finally texted me a time we could meet.

I wish I could say that it went well but it just left me feeling depressed and hopeless. We did a psychache scale and it was 50 something, which is high but not as high as she was expecting. The whole thing just bummed me out because I know I am in dire straights and she knows I am going to kill myself in a few months. She is trying to lessen the ache to lessen the suicide/press. But I don’t think you can do that without first dealing with my physical pain which is the cause of all of this. I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have chronic physical pain, I would be somehow ok and might want to live. I might actually use my brain to get a grant to get back to school. I am just eight classes short of my degree. That is two semesters full time. I probably won’t be able to go full time because it will cause major psych issues but I can go at least half time. I will beat doing nothing all day. But I rather just focus on my death.

I want to die because it is my only option right now. I can’t think straight with this pain and I know you shouldn’t kill yourself when you are suicidal but I am not per se suicidal. I am just thinking about ending my life and planning a means towards that ends. I feel rational about this. Nothing about this feels wrong. Sure I can go on living in misery but I am choosing not to. I know my family will not understand. No family would. But I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of the endless, sleepless nights of agony I feel every single night. The burning. The stabbing. The zaps. I can’t take it anymore. Just knowing that I have a plan gives me comfort in that I won’t have to suffer anymore.

I told my therapist today that I will have to hurt her. She refuses to stop treating me. I can’t make her go away. I have tried to give her an out so she doesn’t have to be around me when I do this but she refuses. Today she was talking about some therapist that believes in psychache as resilience. I really have no idea what she was talking about and neither did my therapist. She gave me her name but I don’t remember it. I think it would be interesting to see her but I don’t have time. Then my therapist says that she wants me to see a consultant again. I don’t know what he will want to do other than tell me he doesn’t want me to die. She asked me today if she could talk with my psychiatrist and I said sure. There is nothing you two can do to stop me from my plans. If I don’t do it in a few months I will do it on my original date. I have until then to change my mind. But the way things are going, I don’t think I can change my mind. I just took another strong pain pill, my second of the day. Maybe two will work this time and tomorrow I can get my Isla Flores. I have not been out of the house all weekend. I think tomorrow will be a good time to get out.